Those words are enough to make any woman need to change her panties, and we'd venture to say a lot of gentleman can't help but be titillated as well. He's the dreamiest dream-boat this side of a wet-dream, and you're god-damn right Jessica Biel wakes up every day wondering how she got so lucky.
If every man started each day with the intention of being a little more like Timberlake, the world would be a better place. Your girlfriend would definitely stop harassing you about that thing you didn't even realize you do, and she would absolutely let you do that thing you always wanted to but she was too embarrassed to try.
If you want to make your woman happy, take her to see Justin Timberlake, and then do all of these things, every day.
He is a great dancer
Your girlfriend says that she likes the stupid dance you do (unless you know what you're doing, you've got one move, and it makes you look kind of stupid), and she does, but she would like you a whole lot better if you took the time to learn how to move with her. When properly maneuvered, a dance-floor session is like a preview for what banging you would be like. A guy who can dance well with a woman is definitely getting action.
He dresses well
Look, you don't have to wear a suit and tie every day, but it doesn't hurt. You might think it a "monkey" suit, but that monkey is eating every last ripe banana in the bunch. Seriously though, get some fitted clothes, get some nice button-downs, learn how to layer, and your girlfriend will start picking fights with girls on the street for even looking at you funny.
He is a gentleman
Robin Thicke has a number-one single that, when boiled down to it, is basically about raping ladies, as is almost every other song on the radio. Unless you're courting strippers (and really, them strippers are courting you), no woman wants to hear about how her "ass so fat," or how she has a "million-dollar pussy," or anything else about how she is nothing but a physical attraction to you. If she does, she's lying, she has a bad father, and you don't take her seriously anyway. Timberlake doesn't write songs that way, because he has a soul and knows ladies like to be treated with respect.
He has a great sense of humor
Just because you're a gentleman, doesn't mean you are stuffy. You don't even have to watch your mouth. You can just sing about how you put your dick in a box, and she is gonna ess that dee (as long as you have already followed steps one through four).
He is sexy as fuhk
Srsly, have you seen this guy? But you don't have to be ripped to be sexy. A gentleman who dresses well, knows how to dance, can make his girl laugh and treats her with respect is literally what the word sexy means in a woman's mind. That, and taking her to see the Legends of Summer tour. Do all this, and even you can't screw up.
Justin Timberlake and Jay Z's Legends of the Summer Tour. Friday, August 16. Sun Life Stadium, 2269 NW 199th St., Miami Gardens. The show starts at 8 p.m. and tickets cost $43.50 to $279 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Call 305-623-6100 or visit sunlifestadium.com.
Legends of the Summer Tour Aftershow. With Justin Timberlake. Friday, August 16. Fillmore Miami Beach, 1700 Washington Ave., Miami Beach. Doors open at 11:30 p.m. with pre-performance entertainment. Tickets cost $99.50 plus fees via priceless.com/justintimberlake. Tickets are very limited and only a select few will be able to buy them, so make sure you register with Priceless Miami. Call 305-673-7300 or visit fillmoremb.com.
Justin Timberlake's 20/20 Experience World Tour. Tuesday, March 4. BB&T Center, 1 Panther Pkwy., Sunrise. The show starts at 8 p.m. and tickets cost $49.50 to $175 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Call 954-835-8000 or visit thebbtcenter.com.
Justin Timberlake's 20/20 Experience World Tour. Tuesday, March 5. American Airlines Arena, 601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. The show starts at 8 p.m. and tickets cost $52.50 to $178 plus fees via ticketmaster.com. Call 305-960-8500 or visit aaarena.com.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.