Explosions in the Sky Soundtracks Madonna's Nip Slip and Six Other New Times Stories

See also "Explosions in the Sky: The Stories Behind Each Song on Their New Album"

If you're an Explosions in the Sky fan, you're probably blowing up your water wings right now, in preparation for Grand Central filling with tears this Wednesday night.

When Crossfade suggested to EitS guitarist Munaf Rayani that the band's song titles remind us of headlines from the saddest place in the world (c.f. "It's Natural to Be Afraid," "Our Last Days as Children," "With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept"), he agreed to take a challenge:

What would real New Times headlines (from the strangest place in the world) sound like if they were the titles to Explosions in the Sky songs?

A three-guitar attack on Madonna's nipple and political corruption after the cut.

Welcome to the Future: "Zombie Fatigue"

Munaf: "It's probably got an electronic aspect to it that, in the second or third act, moves into a drone or into a slow half-tempo thing. When it begins, we're at a dance party. But the song soon finds itself screwed and chopped."

Menacing spoken word sample: "Oh, you know ... Society crumbling to ashes.  You get the pizza?"

Best Fast Food That Miami Is Missing

Munaf: "This is far more upbeat of a song.  A more formulaic three-minute pop song that's a little cheesy to listen to. But it's a banger and all over the radio."

Menacing spoken word sample: "And don't let anyone tell you Krystal is just as good. It isn't."

Madonna Flashes Nipple in Turkey and Makes Creepy Old Lady Face (NSFW)

Munaf: "Let's just make static noise on that song. The melodies will be nothing at all. The title is the song."

Menacing spoken word sample: "The most disturbing thing Madonna's done this millennium. And it's not so much the exposure, but her creepy, highly sexualized old lady face."

So You Want an Apocalypse? Hollywood's Got You Covered.

Munaf: "We're talking sweeping crecscendos, orchestral rises, the whole shebang. A 40-piece orchestra with clairnets, oboes, vibraphones. Almost John Williams-y.  It's almost too much, but you're still moved by it."

Menacing spoken word sample: "It might be time to start looking through your closet for appropriate apocalypse wear."

Top Ballpark Hot Dogs

Munaf: "A fresh beat to it. A thumping rhythm, a doom-doom-doom-pah! Maybe just some kind of meandering sounds but mainly is that beat that gets you."

Menacing spoken word sample: "Want ketchup? You might find yourself sleeping with the fishes if you dare to don the red."

Florida is Officially America's Most Corrupt State

Munaf: "This one has a bit more of a sinister quality. Yeah, it's darker in its approach. Just Kind of all around leaving you feeling slightly icky. Not completely disgusted but uneasy."

Menacing spoken word sample: "When the Windy City was still basically a haven of Al Capone-esque bribery minded mobsters."

My Man is a Terrible Lover. What Should I Do?

Munaf: "It starts kind of dreamy. It's moving towards pulling you into these beautiful melodies and then it just falls into an atonal, out-of-key crumble. It lives there for a second, tries to come out, but it can't. It's on the rails but falling off."

Menacing spoken word sample: "You look up at him and he have the audacity to say to you, 'Damn, baby, you can take all that dick?!' How aggravating is that? It's like you want to respond, 'Boy, find somebody else to play with this lil'-ass shit.'"

Explosions in the Sky with Zammuto. Wednesday, June 20. Grand Central, 697 N. Miami Ave., Miami. The show starts at 8 p.m. and tickets cost $25 plus fees. Call 305-377-2277 or visit grandcentralmiami.com.

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