Earlier this month, two of the most successful Spanish-language crossover artists in pop music teamed up for a powerhouse tour. Ageless heartthrob Enrique Iglesias and Mr. Worldwide, AKA Pitbull, on their third go-round together since 2012, are once again selling out stadiums across North America with a double billing already garnering praise from music critics because the two "complement each another."
The rainbows-and-sunshine narrative is fine, but let's be real: Enrique and Armando are an odd couple. Put them in the same room, and Pitbull, strutting around like a peacock in a white linen suit, will think he’s the sexiest, most handsome papi chulo there is; meanwhile, Iglesias' permanent 5-o'clock shadow makes him the sexiest, most handsome papi chulo, not just in that room, but in most rooms.
You gotta wonder: Do they ever get on each other’s nerves? Is anyone’s ego ever bruised? Does Pitbull sneak into Enrique’s hotel room in the middle of the night and whisper “dale” into his ear just for kicks?
Most important, if shit went down, who would win in a fight?
It could happen any number of ways. Enrique accidentally sits on Pitbull’s nighttime sunglasses. In a fit of bald jealousy, Pitbull violently tousles Enrique’s perfectly moussed hair. Hey, life on the road is hard; performers have split over lesser offenses.
To answer this question fairly, we identified four important factors in any hands-on fight: physicality, stamina, mean streak, and squad. Because this isn’t a fixed Las Vegas boxing match, just a good old-fashioned street brawl, there are no rules and no holds barred. So who's KO'ing whom? Let's break down the stats.
Enrique Iglesias is a beautiful man. He is a Spanish Adonis, standing six-foot-one and weighting 185 pounds. With a slight disadvantage in height (and weight, if the interwebs are to be believed), Pitbull stands five-foot-nine and weighs about 160. He looks more like, well, a pit bull, but less adorable.
As far as body types go, both men are physically fit. They need to be. Touring and performing and gyrating while eye-banging the crowd almost every night can take a real toll on the body. Still, neither of them is built like a heavyweight champion. In pasta terms, Iglesias is a fragile stick of dry spaghetti, and Pitbull is more slippery like a wet noodle.
According to fake news on the internet, Pitbull has died almost as many times as Morgan Freeman. That alone puts him ahead in this race. But he also hawks his own vanity brand of booze, Voli Vodka, and no doubt must have free samples on hand, so Mr. Worldwide's ability to stand up straight could be compromised.
Meanwhile, Enrique eats like a 9-year-old with no parental supervision. In a 2009 interview with the Standard, he professed his love of burgers, hot dogs, apple pie, and ice cream.
In the end, overcoming death will always beat a crap diet.
Has Enrique Iglesias ever said anything that wasn't utterly romantic? Whether the tabloids are right or wrong in reporting that he finally married his longtime girlfriend, former tennis star Anna Kournikova, it's clear Iglesias is a lover, not a fighter. He is a walking bouquet of roses.
Pitbull, on the other hand: Sure, he has some cheesy pop songs and even a handful of ballads. But he also cold-cocked a guy onstage, right in the middle of a song, and then just kept on rapping. You wanna pretend like you'd fuck with him. No? Didn’t think so.
Sometimes your peoples got to hold you back; sometimes you got to hold back your peoples. At this point in the fight, Enrique isn’t looking so hot. His coheadliner has the edge in every category. Here’s where his crew might need to jump in. Like a bench-clearing brawl in baseball or the street-fight scene between rival news teams in Anchorman, everyone gets involved here. Enrique has 12 million Twitter followers; Pitbull has double that with 24 million.
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Advantage: Yep, Pitbull.
This was always going to be a beatdown. Pitbull, protected by the aviators perched on his nose, would throw Enrique off by redirecting the sun or any available light source off his shiny dome to temporarily blind the “Bailando” singer. A swift jab and a vicious hook would quickly end the melee before it even began. Party people would emerge from the bushes at the sound of Pitbull barking a victorious “¡Culo!” And like a Bollywood musical set in Miami, merengue dancers would appear out of thin air while waterfalls of booty and rum fill the screen.