Dude! Make Me a Rock Star!

So you wanna be a rock and roll star? Why be a slave to originality? Use this tried and true method and achieve rock stardom instantly!

Do you ever watch those Art Institute of America commercials on MTV and think, Hey, I got enough brain cells to do that?

Do you like the idea of being worshipped by millions of drooling beings who are more than willing to debase themselves just to steep in your amazin' vibes?

Do you think Motley Crue-ner Vince Neil has contributed more to humanity than Mother Teresa?

If you answered "Fuck, yeah!" to any of these questions, you're ready to take our home course: "Dude! Make Me a Rock Star!"

Thousands have taken this simple course without ever setting foot inside a classroom. Rock Star graduates are right now all over your MTV. Studies show our Rock Star course is preferred twelve to one over Sally Struthers's home Gun Repair course, and if you're a high school dropout who can string a guitar (or two words together), you too can be a Rock God. So head on over to the mirror, grab a hairbrush or a tennis racket, and let's begin.

Don't be fooled - there's no need to waste time on musical style once you learn that image comes first in this business. If you've got the look that makes record company scouts yip with glee, your music won't get past the ka-ching of the cash register ringing in their ears anyway.

There are several looks guaranteed to sell a million records. Pick one of the following, or mix 'n' match:

* Truly Bad Boys: The "live fast, die cute" set slithers into black leather pants, jackets, vests, boots, and jockstraps. Sunglasses and an Elmer's Glue complexion add to that "I live on Jack Daniels and Twinkies" look.

Role Models: Motley Crue, Guns N' Roses.

* Pretty Bad Boys: Keep the leather pants, but go for shirts in festive colors or T-shirts with the logos of other bands you hang with. Soft, curly hair and a smile that suggests you've got a pair of panties stuck in your throat insures a 90 percent female fan base.

Role Models: Skid Row, Nelson, Slaughter, Bon Jovi, Firehouse....

* We Could Pass for Our Fans Boys: Concert T-shirts, jams or shorts, and Converse sneakers all give the impression that you're no different from your fans, despite your $800,000, 30-acre ranch in Laurel Canyon. A facial expression somewhere between a smile and an AAARGH! adds that "just a bunch of guys doing this for the fun of it" appeal.

Role Models: Trixter, Anthrax, White Trash.

The single most important part of all these looks is hair, hair, and hair. It can be long and straight, long and curly, long and permed, long and dyed, or a combination of all of these. If your hair is not long, either consider a job at Wag's or go out and buy some hair extensions. Pay a professional stylist (or get your girlfriend) to solder these locks to whatever you've already got on your cranium.

We also suggest you tell your lead singer to hit the bleach bottle. Tests show that the blonder the singer, the better selling the single; how could Sebastian Bach, Bret Michaels, Nelson, Vince Neil, and Jani Lane be wrong?

Tattoos are another very important accessory for any band's image. You should have several, including your band's logo and a naked woman.

It's important to do some serious bonding with your audience while your guitarist's tech is tuning your instrument. In between swigs of Jack Daniels, utter the following, starting in a normal tone of voice and working up to a shriek:

1) "How's everybody feelin' toniiiiiiight?"
2) "Does anybody out there wanna rock and rooooooollll?"
3) "You motherfuckers are kickin' our aaaaasssss!"
4) "I tell ya, there ain't no place I'd rather play than (name of town)!"
5) "Man, we got some fiiiiiine lookin' females in the audience!"

6) "I can't hear yooooouuuu!" (This is especially effective in the middle of a song, right before the guitar solo.)

"High fives" with people in the front row establish a "we're all homeboys" feeling. This also shows appreciation for the fact that your fans probably spent the last minimum-wage dollar they earned shoveling lettuce at Subway to see you.

By now you will have established a loyal following that will desperately want to know important facts about your life, like what in a girl turns you on and what your favorite color is. You can probably supply your own answers to those questions, but it is important to say the following during interviews: "If I wasn't doing this, I'd be dead," "These guys [gesture toward band] are like my brothers," and "The kids [your fans] come first. Without them we wouldn't be where we are today."

If your interviewer is a woman, make sure you tell her she should be a model instead of wasting her time writing. Flirt with her shamelessly and say her magazine or newspaper is the best and that she is the only person who truly understands what your band is about. Then ask her out (you need not actually fulfill this arrangement). This will insure constant, very positive press for your band.

While we're on the subject of women, an important part of any good rocker's ensemble is The Girlfriend. Motley man Tommy Lee married the ultimate rock Girlfriend, Heather Locklear. Axl Rose got himself a model. Ever since rock and roll was mere ooze between prehistoric toes, even the ugliest metal mofo has adorned himself with a beautiful female ornament.

The type of girl to wear on your arm must have the following: long blond hair (straight works best, but a mall-bought shag perm is acceptable); a small, upturned nose; frosted pink lips; a chest measurement that far exceeds that of her waist, hips, and IQ combined; legs that start at her neck. This girlfriend is known as your Basic Barbie Doll. You will call her My Old Lady, My Woman, My Female, The Ol' Ball 'n' Chain, or the ever popular My Bitch.

Her ensemble is as important as yours, but The Girlfriend has one basic uniform no matter what her boyfriend's image. She should wear a small, uplifting bustier, a miniskirt, and thigh-high boots or high heels. If this is too complex, refer your woman to any ZZ Top video.

At gigs, position your girlfriend at the front of the stage to give the impression of hysteria. As you become more popular and acquire real fans, place your significant other at the side of the stage, where she will be conspicuous to both males (who will start bands of their own to get girls like her) and females (who will vie for the chance to rip her face off to get near you).

You are only as rock and roll as your lifestyle, so it's important for you to live by the rules. First, move yourself and your band into a small studio apartment. There's nothing like four or five men living together to promote brotherhood, and it creates a "starving artist" feel. Live on a diet of fast food and alcohol. (Here's a recipe from Sebastian Bach for a Rock and Roll Breakfast: Purchase one bag of Doritos and one loaf of Wonder Bread. Combine ingredients to form a sandwich. Wash down with a Budweiser. Repeat for lunch and dinner.) Do not rise before noon. Do not wear anything that can't double as stage gear. Try not to have a day job, but if you must, use the wages only for things like rehearsal space and hairspray. Food, entertainment, and support should be supplied by The Girlfriends.

Well, that's it. See how easy it is? Any band that follows our instructions carefully should find themselves in imminent danger of being signed by a Major Record Company. Then just sit back, relax, and watch those royalty checks roll in! (After, of course, your manager, A&R man, producer, lawyer, independant publicist, accountant, and hair stylist extract their percentages.)

If the "Dude! Make Me a Rock Star!" home course does not make you the biggest maha on MTV, simply return it for a full refund. We'll throw in a set of Amazing Ginsu knives at no extra charge.

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Suzan Colon