Tell Cupid to fuck off with a smile.
Valentine’s day has its origins in the feast of Lupercalia, which included Roman men whipping women, hitting them (it was thought to encourage fertility), and, via a matchmaking lottery, picking (AKA forcing) women to copulate with for the night. Romantic!
Thankfully, writers like Shakespeare and Chaucer helped make Valentine's Day a bit more lovey and a lot less violent, leading to where we are today: heart-shaped chocolates, roses, and tons of red, white, and pink schlock. Still, as the great Andre 3000 once said, “F%#! that Valentine’s Day.” Love doesn’t need to be expressed on one day, or with one thing, and you definitely don’t need to break the bank to prove you care. If you’re anti-Valentine, anti-love, or anti-capitalism, we’ve got some suggestions for how to celebrate on the 14th.
1. Take a kettlebells class, followed by a yin yoga class at OM Movement
Courtesy of Class Pass
. Om, located in Coconut Grove, is known for its airy space and eclectic classes, alongside more traditional yoga practices. Throw around some steel balls and then stretch into bliss and centeredness. Kettlebells from 6:15 to 7 p.m., OM Yin from 7 to 8 p.m. Thursday, February 14, at 2895 McFarlane Rd., Second Floor, Miami; 786-452-8428; ommovementstudio.com. Prices vary, depending on package.
2. Gather your girls for Galentine's Day
Ovaries before brovaries.
. “We need to remember what’s important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work. Doesn’t matter, but work is third.” So noted Parks & Recreation
's Leslie Knope,
who is truly an American heroine. Galentine's Day celebrations are traditionally held the day before V-Day, like the Girl Gang Galentine’s Day Party at 1 Hotel South Beach this Wednesday. But you can disrupt Cupid's plans on the 14th, too, for added badass points. Whether you serve your best gal and gal-identifying friends waffles or something else delicious, the point is to show appreciation for the people you love in a non
way. Girl Gang Galentine's Day Party, 6 - 9 p.m. Wednesday, February 13, at 1 Hotel South Beach, 2341 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-604-1000; 1hotels.com.
3. See Roma on 70 mm at Coral Gables Art Cinema
Forget rom-coms; see Roma instead.
Courtesy of Netflix
. There are only a handful of theaters in the U.S. showing Roma
— director Alfonso Cuarón’s epic black and white film on his life growing up middle class in Mexico City in the 1970s — on the big screen. Why not be anti-"Netflix and chill" this V-Day and go see the movie in the Gables? Grab popcorn and beer, chocolate and wine (or hey, all of the above!) as you watch nanny and housekeeper Cleo (played by the killer Yalitza Aparicio) dazzle onscreen. 8:45 p.m. Thursday, February 14, at Coral Gables Art Cinema, 260 Aragon Ave., Coral Gables; gablescinema.com. Tickets start at $12.
4. Spend Valentine's Day with nerds
A match made in anti-Valentine's Day heaven.
Photo by Christopher Collins
. Trivia with drag queens is something to enjoy every week, and Valentine's Day is no different. Show your love for nerdery and theater, random information, and art revelry at one of Miami's most beloved parties, Double Stubble, at one of Miami’s most beloved bars, Gramps. The trivia begins around 7:30, and drag shows are at 10 and 11 p.m.. There’s no need to be fabulous at home alone, so get your dollars and your mind over there. Starting at 7:30 p.m. Thursday, February 14, at Gramps, 176 NW 24th St., Miami; gramps.com. Free.
5. Engage in the world's least sexy sport: bowling
. Bird Bowl is one of the last vestiges of old-school Miami, and it still delivers. Bowl a game or two with your partner or friends, and get a plate of french fries and chicken wings. Fall asleep full and happy and smelling of nostalgia and shoe deodorizer. Open from 9 a.m. to 1 a.m. Thursday, February 14, at 9275 SW 40th St., Miami. Prices vary.