If you have tuned into Bravo in the last 24 hours, you have had the joy of re-experiencing season one of The Real Housewives of Miami. Why are Andy Cohen and his team replaying that trainwreck of a season? After all the bad reviews and even worse ratings of the series' inaugural season, those reruns are more likely to convince viewers to skip the new season. It's kind of like rewatching the cop's video of you getting a DUI. Really, do you want to relive that moment?
And that's a shame, because this is the year Miami's housewives (or, at least, its show producers) get their act together and produce a reality tv bitchfest worthy of the 305. Our time has finally come. The Real Housewives of Miami season two is legit. Like, really legit.
Season one stars Cristy Rice and Kim Kardashian's BFF Larsa Pippen are out. Still standing in stilettos are Marysol Patton, Lea Black, and Adriana de Moura. The new, fresh, makeup-spackled faces are Lisa Hochstein, Ana Quincoces, Karent Sierra, and Joanna Krupa.
And with a fresh cast of characters, there is very fresh drama as well. Here's a rundown of the broad spectrum of catfights we're looking forward to this season.
Young vs. Old
In season one, all the ladies had about the same senority. Sure, Lea Black was the mama of the group, but 40 seemed to be the median age. This time around, we have some young'uns. Lisa Hochstein, wife of a plastic surgeon, could be 14 or 40 -- it's hard to tell with all the work she's had done. And model Joanna Krupa, who is 33 according to Wikipedia, is sure to inspire the rest of the cast to head to the doctor for some Botox.
Blonde vs. Blonde
Lea Black was the only gringa in the season one entourage. Now, Miss Maxim Joanna Krupa is stealing all her Caucasian thunder. The girl is Polish for God's sake. We aren't sure if the two hate each other yet, but they'll both be on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen tonight. We shall wait and see.
Elsa vs. Everyone Else
Fact: We'd take a bullet for Elsa Patton. The woman is a national treasure. In season one, she was no doubt the star of the entire show. Happily, in season two, nothing has changed -- and everyone except her daughter Marysol is pissed about it. We might be too if the only wife anyone ever wanted to talk about was the only one who isn't even technically a real housewife. But don't sweat it, Elsa. Haters gonna hate.
Coral Gables vs. Miami Beach
The first time around, these ladies were all over the place. We had Larsa in Fort Lauderdale, Lea and Adriana in Coral Gables, and the rest, well, no one really cared. This time, the Wives are split between Coral Gables and Star Island. Lea and Lisa's new neighbors there are Diddy and Rosie O'Donell. We're hoping this neighborhood rivalry rises to the level of the Brooklyn vs. Manhattan hatred on Gallery Girls.
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Jobs vs. The Unemployed
The ladies of the Real Housewives series are known for doing one thing: a whole lot of nothing. So imagine our surprise -- and, yes, even a little bit of pride -- when we discovered several of Miami's housewives work for a living. They don't just have jobs; they have careers. Lea runs three businesses and a successful charity. Marysol owns her own successful PR firm. Ana is a lawyer, Karent is a dentist, Joanna is a supermodel, and Adriana is an art dealer. The only star without a job is Lisa, an unashamed housewife through and through. Well done, ladies! In the hands of Bravo's producers, your rich, fulfilling lives will surely give you even more fodder for catfights and bitchslaps.