Cinco de Mayo is an American holiday. Not true, you say? Consider this: While we gringos spend May 5 chugging margaritas and ironically donning sombreros, most Mexicans commemorate Cinco de Mayo by doing, well, not a whole lot.
In fact, most Americans will go through Cinco de Mayo believing that they're celebrating Mexico's independence day, when in reality it's a minor holiday commemorating the Mexican army's 1862 victory over France. But don't let that stop you from your "one tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor" routine. "Cinco de Drinko" falls on a Saturday this year (another reason to celebrate big), so it's time for Americans to do what we do best — exploit the shit out of another country's culture for the sake of partying and getting drunk.
Here are the top 10 Cinco de Mayo parties going on in Miami.
10. Cinco de Mayo Fiesta's at Rocco's Tacos & Tequila Bar
We know what you're thinking. Fort Lauderdale is not Miami. But for the love of red, white, and green, stop whining and experience other urban areas outside of Miami-Dade. They'll have drink specials, performances by the Pancho Villa mariachi band, multiple DJs, tequila pourings, and a mustache contest.
Go Because: You have an ironic mustache good enough to win a contest.
Who'll Be There: With tequila pourings, we wouldn't doubt we'll spot Lil' Jon with his pimp cup.
Noon - 3 a.m.,1313 E Las Olas Blvd., Fort Lauderdale, 954-524-9550
9. Festival de Cinco de Mayo at Rosa Mexicano
This outdoor fiesta includes guac and tacos on-the-go, live music, prizes, and giveaways.
Go Because: Tacos on-the-go from Taco Bell are so passé.
Who'll Be There: Party hoppers in need of a fuel-up.
12 p.m.-12 a.m., 900 South Miami Ave., Miami, 786-425-1001
8. Lucky Clover Street Party
Ah, the luck of the, uh, Mexicans? Whatever. Lucky Clover is closing the street for a block party that will include some of the best drink deals in town — $6 draught beer, $6 margaritas, $4 tequila shots, and $5 nachos.
Go Because: You're a natural born double-fister.
Who'll Be There: Partiers on a budget.
3 p.m.- 5p.m.,1111 SW 1st Ave., Miami, 786-220-5925
7. Tobacco Road Cinco de Drinko Hot Peppa Palooza
Food trucks, cocktails, music by DJ Oski, and live bands.
Go Because: You like to eat stuff other than just nachos and burritos.
Who'll Be There: Food truck stalkers.
6 p.m. - 2 a.m., 626 S Miami Ave., Miami, 305-374-1198
6. Española Way's Annual Street Fiesta
You'll feel as if you were in Mexico partying down historic Española Way. With the option to celebrate at Drexel's Irish Pub, Segafredo's, and Tequila Revolucion, you'll also think you're traveling the world in 80 drinks. You will think these things simultaneously, because you will be that drunk.
Go Because: It's the next best thing to drinking around the world at Epcot.
Who'll Be There: Ignorant tourists who think Miami is an extension of Mexico.
3 p.m. - close, 419 A Española Way, Miami Beach, 305-847-1401
5. Cinco de Mayo at Duffy's Sports Grill
Duffy's is going big and celebrating with two events in one day — Cinco de Mayo with Cinco-appropriate food and drink specials, and then the Mayweather vs. Cotto boxing match watch party.
Price: $10 entry fee for the boxing watch party
Go Because: Though you won't be watching actual luchadors, a boxing match is the next best thing, right?
Who'll Be There: Lots of testosterone.
9 p.m. - 2 a.m., 3969 NE 163rd St., North Miami Beach, 305-760-2124
4. Bougainvilleas Cinco de Bougie
Live music will be played by ArtOfficial and The Light Bright Social Hour. They'll have $2 Corona on draft, $8 Avion tequila pints, and Mexican-themed photo booths.
Go Because: There will be a Corona mini-beach set-up for picture taking. You know you've always wanted to mimic those commercials.
Who'll Be There: People who think they can effectively get drunk off of Corona.
6 p.m.-5 a.m., 7221 Southwest 58th Ave., Miami, 305-669-8577
3. Brickell Fest
Somehow Brickell always manages to throw the biggest, over-the-top parties for any holiday. There will be 22,000 square feet of entertainment that includes mechanical bulls, mini-wrestlers, food from El Vato, and the ubiquitous mariachis
Go Because: The combination of drinking and watching mini-wrestlers sounds like optimal entertainment.
Who'll Be There: Mini-wrestlers! So maybe we're a little overly excited for them.
12 p.m. - 12 a.m., 1001 S. Miami Ave., Miami
2. Dadeland Cinco de Mayo Party at World of Beer and Lime Fresh Grill
You know it's big when authorities have to close off whole areas of town. SW 72nd Place between World of Beer and Lime Fresh Grill will be closed off for a block party that will include beer trucks, Mexican grub served on the street, a DJ, giveaways, drink discounts, and live musical performances.
Go Because: It's the first ever street party held in Dadeland.
Who'll Be There: People who want to explore beyond Miami Beach and Downtown.
3 p.m.- 2 a.m., 9010 SW 72nd Ave., Miami, 786-623-3522
1. Cinco de Mayo Pub Crawl
A bar tour for alcohol tourists. Hop around some of Miami's best bars, including El Vato, Baru Urbano, Blackbird Ordinary, and Waxy O'Connor's. With all the bar hopping you'll be doing, you'll be brought back to the true meaning of Cinco de Mayo: getting schwasted! Happy hour will be extended all night and you'll get one free shot at each bar.
Price: $25 pre-sale, $30 at the door
Go Because: None of your friends agreed to be your designated driver.
Who'll Be There: Those on the verge of joining AA.
7:30 p.m.- 1 a.m.
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