Most of us remember the '90s as a magical time. It's partly because we were younger then, and we don't like this whole "aging" thing. But it's also because the last decade of the 20th Century was hella off-the-chain, dawg. Back then, most people had jobs and money; we had a horny, saxophone-playing president; The Simpsons was one of the funniest shows on television; and we actually interacted with each other in nonvirtual social situations because cell phones didn't become affordable until the end of the decade. It was the bomb.
But there's an ugly side to all of this nostalgia. As Gawker pointed out last week, some not-so-phat trends are resurfacing. And while we're totally down for a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reunion, a new Lauryn Hill album, and the return of the light-brown M&M (RIP), there are five things from the '90s we hope never become popular again.
These are possibly the ugliest pants in the history of pants -- and that's a bold claim to make now that there's such a thing as mom jeans. But these were awful. They looked as if a pair of gigantic, clownish bell-bottoms decided to grow from the bottom up. With these big bags of denim swimming around your legs, you'd have enough room to smuggle a family of ten across the Mexican border. Or sneak a bunch of drug paraphernalia into a rave. Either/or.
There's plenty of food from the '90s that's still around today. We totally understand why Jelly Bellies and Ben & Jerry's ice cream have passed the test of time. But there's a whole other category of "food" whose survival makes us question whether all human beings are born with functioning taste buds. And the biggest offender in that group, right after Hot Pockets and Taco Bell Chalupas, is Bubble Jug. Do you remember this disgusting shit? It was basically a jug full of pink bubblegum-flavored powder you pour into your mouth. Once it mixed with your saliva, it was supposed to solidify a bit and become gum. But the stuff never really became gum -- just this loose, slimy paste that felt like chewing on bubblegum-flavored mucus. Honestly, we'd rather chug a gallon of Crystal Pepsi than put a teaspoon of Bubble Jug in our mouth ever again.
There's a lot to ridicule when it comes to '90s rave culture: ring pops, Vicks inhalers, goggles, candy necklaces, adults using pacifiers, the aforementioned JNCOs. But nothing was quite as stupid as whip-its. (Well, maybe special K, but whip-its come in a close second.) Here's a grand idea: Let's huff the nitrous oxide from a whipped cream can out of a balloon, slowly getting a thousand times dumber, then fall back and allow some other dumbass to strangle us to "enhance" the high. The high lasts about 30 seconds -- then you black out, hear nothing but loud "wah-wah-wah" noises, and when you come to, you've killed so many brain cells that you've forgotten your name, your mother's name, and the definition of the word name.
The Spice Girls
Look, we like the idea of girl power. We even like platform shoes (just not when they come in boot form and are made of vinyl or pleather). But was it just us, or did anyone else think the Spice Girls' debut music video for "Tell Me What You Want" was a parody when you first saw it? These ladies were so full of bull and cheese that we're surprised no one successfully shrink-wrapped them to sell as mozzarella in a gourmet food shop.
Bio-Dome. That is all.
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