A Baseball Fan Explains the Art at Marlins Park

The Miami Marlins are off to an unimpressive start on the field this year, but what's most unimpressive when you go to a Marlins game has been there since Marlins Park opened in 2012 — the hideous art placed all about the stadium. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria is a private art dealer himself, so it makes sense that he would want his teams home surrounded by various artists works; but that doesn't make them less ridiculous. 

Let's take a look at the ten of the worst art pieces hanging about, around, and inside Marlins Park.

Figures Mountain Sky Star & Bird
Not even entirely sure what is happening here, but I'm pretty confident the artist was on flakka when he painted it. At first glance I think things are mountains, then I look again and see a donkey, then I realize I missed the entire Marlins game trying to figure out what the hell I'm looking at. Is that an angry marshmallow in the middle there? 

This painting is only okay because the kid is smiling, otherwise, you would never guess behind that fence lays something happy. This could have easily been a painting titled "Child Labor."

Baseball Manager
Dayyyummmmm, guuurrlll got a budunka-dunk! Bae booty had me like, wuuuuut? This painting is titled Baseball Manager and it's especially fitting for this season because that's the same face Marlins fans have been making all year. Also, what is going on with that hat? 

There are so many ridiculous things going on in this painting, I'm not even sure pointing out just one would be fair. I mean, there are multiple half eaten Nestle ice cream bars in this painting, and that's like the seventy-fourth weirdest thing. Is that "Pop" coming from the bat, or is there a terrorist attack happening in the background?

Miami Orange Bowl Tribute
While attending a Marlins game, you might forget the city of Miami tore down the Orange Bowl (RIP) to build a county funded billion dollar baseball park for a wealthy man, but thankfully they remind us with giant orange letters half-buried in random places surrounding the park. 

The Pitcher
Random drawing of a pitcher in a yellow hat? Alrighty-then. 

There is a weird cow-looking-dog on the field for some reason, possibly there to distract you from the painting itself. The pitcher seems to be facing the wrong direction as well, but it's cool, because neither of them have a face. This painting is titled Baseball, so we'll just take the artist's word for it and assume they are playing that thing.

Baseball In Motion
If the Miami Marlins and Qbert had a baby, this painting would be that baby. This looks like something out of the movie Interstellar, or part of a weird dream in Inception

Chromatic Induction in a Double Frequency
This is actually kind of cool, but it's slowly fading as time goes on. What was once bright the week Marlins Park opened, now seems a little dull, and it lessens its cool factor, in my opinion. Follow the rainbow tiled road, this way to a terrible baseball team. 

Home Run Sculpture
We've gone from hating this, to loving this, to being completely indifferent and used to it's existence here in Miami. At first it was embarrassing, then it was kind of our thing, but now you're just sort of reminded it exists when Giancarlo Stanton blasts a home run. You wouldn't think such a hideous looking monster could just blend in and be forgotten, but this is Miami. 
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Ryan Yousefi is a freelance writer for Miami New Times, a lover of sports, and an expert consumer of craft beer and pho. Hanley Ramirez once stole a baseball from him and to this day still owes him $10.
Contact: Ryan Yousefi