In case you missed it over the weekend, Dwyane Wade really pissed off some Canadians. Scary, eh? On a scale of zero to holy-shit-worried, saying you pissed off some Canadians ranks somewhere below your wife saying if you don't leave the house soon, you'll miss the previews before the movie Mother's Day. We'll somehow deal with the repercussions and regret.
Regardless, Wade was man enough to address the faux-controversy that arose after video showed him finishing some warm-up shots while an American-angel-from-AMERICA-USA-definitely-not-Canadian Julia Dale was kind enough to sing "Oh, Canada" before
church-war-funeral-Canadian-Thanksgiving the Miami Heat and Toronto Raptors tipped off Game 3.
"It's something that I do before every game that I prepare for, and I've been doing it my whole career," Wade said to the media following the Heat's practice session Sunday at American Airlines Arena.
"So I understand whatever is said from that standpoint, but I'm not a disrespectful person. So if anybody thinks I'm being disrespectful towards a country, then they have no idea who Dwyane Wade is."
Get over yourselves, Canada. If you only knew what was going on in the stands at the arena during your anthem Saturday, you wouldn't be so worried about Wade mistiming his last few pregame jumpers. It's quite possible, nay, probable, that somewhere inside the American Airlines Arena, someone dressed in a banana costume was doing cocaine off of a clown's ass at that exact moment. I'm not even assigning genders into that last sentence, because any combination wouldn't shock us.
If you watch the video, about 6,000 people decided the Canadian anthem was a solid time to run back up to the concession stands to grab a personal pepperoni Papa John's pizza and smoke a cigarette. Your anthem was playing on the bathroom TV sets while a man was using a urinal while holding himself up against the wall with both hands. That's not even offensive. In Miami, that's considered hospitality.
All kidding aside, most logical Canadians didn't really have a problem with Wade bouncing a basketball a few times while an American sang Canada's national anthem. It was mostly a Twitter-made controversy. Just kidding — totally important people gave a shit. Like, actual people with Canadian jobs that sound important were tripping over their own balls to fire off outraged-at-Wade hot takes.
First there was Mike Colle, a member of provincial parliament, who emailed NBA Commissioner Adam Silver and demanded that Wade deliver an apology for his actions.
As an elected member of Ontario's Provincial Parliament in Toronto I am most disturbed by Mr. Dwayne [sic] Wade's total disrespect for our National Anthem shown prior to last night's game. (May 8). On behalf of many Canadians and my constituents who respect Mr. Wade as an exceptional athlete who love basketball I ask you as NBA Commissioner to formally seek a public apology from Mr. Wade whom I'm sure regrets his mistake.
Thank you for your hoped immediate attention to this urgent matter. I'm certain that similar disrespect for the American Anthem would not be tolerated.
This guy obviously doesn't get out much. He thinks this is an "urgent matter" that requires "immediate attention"? Putting out a cigarette-cherry that fell into your crotch is an urgent matter that requires immediate attention. Finding a Walgreens to poop at on the way home after bad sushi is an urgent matter that requires immediate attention. This is a man playing basketball during a song that has like 27 original words in it, seven of which are "Canada" or the letter "O."
Also, he misspelled Dwyane Wade's name in his demand, so he can screw right off with his demands. Come see someone about it. What are you going to do, cancel a Céline Dion tour? Sorry buddy.
Next up was John Tory, the mayor of Toronto, because of course. He wanted to remind everyone the sport of which we are playing in 2016 was actually invented by a Canadian in 1891.
Then Norm Kelly, Toronto city councillor, made the most Canadian threat ever: When the Heat get to Canada, the Canadians will play only one song! Holy shit, call Obama! We must negotiate them back to playing Drake songs instead.
While Canadian politicians were focused on the Heat's side of the court, a few Heat fans made sure to point out it wasn't only Wade who wasn't exactly standing at attention and weeping.
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SHOW ME HOW
Look at the Raptors. They're not even lined up. Two of them are dribbling. I really don't get it lmao pic.twitter.com/zPWn5TFuyQ— XI (@TheRealCCH) May 8, 2016
In closing, it seems as if Canada needs to sit down with a big fat bottle of Crown Royal and chill their maple tits. This is America, and you're a guest. Don't get shit twisted — Dwyane Wade will bounce a damn basketball whenever he damn well pleases while in his own home.