Ten Reasons It's Better to Live in Miami Than New York
New York be like, "Ads, ads, ads everywhere." Miami be like, "Ass, ass, ass everywhere."
Photo: Francisco Diez | WikiCommons, CC2.0
Last week we mentioned the longstanding tradition of Miami-New York migration while complaining about the relatively new interloper in that situation, Los Angeles. But we didn't want you to get the idea that we approved of life in New York City. Oh, far from it.
Yes, certain dreams are better pursued in New York than in Miami, but if you want to move to New York only for a better quality of life or you think it's just a better city, well, maybe we can make you reconsider.
This is the most obvious, isn't it? Miami may have sticky, wet summers, but June through August in New York can also be pretty awful. It's not unheard of it for it top 100 there fairly regularly. Plus, you'd better pray you have air conditioning (which people with window units tend to have to reinstall every summer). Then, in winter, they get it from the other extreme with freezing temperatures and the occasional blizzard. In fact, the one clear weather advantage New York used to have over Miami -- no hurricanes -- is no longer a factor.
Even When the Weather Is Nice, It's Harder to Take Advantage of It
Miami is a city that is perfectly designed to take advantage of its best weather. If you don't have a pool, you know someone who has access to one. Same goes for backyards perfect for barbecuing. Lots of restaurants have outdoor seating. Many clubs and bars have patios. Apartments have balconies. Oh, and there are those things called beaches.
New York? Not so much. It's a pure utilitarian city. Sure, it has parks and plenty of sidewalks, but other than that, options for outdoor spaces get really limited. You can walk the High Line only so many times.
There's So Much Pressure to Succeed
People move to New York to do big things, so when that doesn't work out for you, you'll always be viewed as a failure. Hateful friends and relatives back home will be like, "Told you so," when you announce on Facebook that you're moving back home. New Yorkers, meanwhile, are the kind of people who still consider you a failure even if you leave NYC to take a better-paying, high-powered job in another city. "Oh, so you're going to be CEO of Apple and move to California? Guess you couldn't make it in New York, softie. Enjoy your Silicon Valley yoga classes, ya hippie! New York kicked your ass!"
You Thought Miami Real Estate Was Ridiculous
It's no secret that New York has the most expensive property in the nation. New Times is the first to complain about creeping housing prices in Miami, but a skim through NYC listings gives us a damn aneurysm. In fact, headlines just yesterday declared that an average new renter in Brooklyn will spend 60 percent of total yearly income on rent in 2015. Sixty percent! And it wasn't that long ago that Brooklyn was basically considered New York's Hialeah.
So not only do you have limited options for spending time outside, but also the indoor space you can afford probably isn't very large either.
New Yorkers Will Give You No Credit for Living in Miami, and It Will Be Annoying
New Yorkers are convinced that no other city in America really qualifies as a city. Some third-year NYU student from Kentucky will see a bum lick his shoe and be like, "New York is the craziest city in the world!" Meanwhile, you can be like, "Well, one time I lived in a city where a guy on bath salts chewed another guy's face off in the middle of the day on an off-ramp of a major causeway," and the New Yorker will be like, "I bet it wasn't even that major of a causeway."
New Yorkers will be like, "You really can meet people from all over the world in New York! It's so magical." And the Miami transplant will respond, "Well, Miami is a pretty international city, and we have more immigrants living here than any other major city in the world." The New Yorker will reply, "Yeah, but I heard you guys don't really have Asians, so..."
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New Yorkers will be like, "New York is the toughest city to live in the world," and the Miamian could be like, "Someone got stabbed at my high-school graduation, I have two cousins with AIDS, and there were six months when I think I lived next door to a crack den." The New Yorker would just be like, "Ugh, who even does crack anymore? What is this, the '80s? Like, New York is real. My bodega was out of artisan cheddar last week. Do you have any idea how hard that was for me? I'm talking about relevant problems here!"
New York Is Exhausting
You can certainly live a fast-paced lifestyle in Miami if you want. Lord knows many of us do. But you can also chill out and lie low if you want.
New York doesn't make life so easy -- unless you like hanging out in your tiny apartment bedroom (assuming your roommate isn't too noisy). There's always something you have to do.
The Conundrum of Public Transportation
There's no question that New York's public transportation system is head and shoulders above Miami's. It's the most comprehensive in America. In fact, most New Yorkers rely on it for most of their transportation needs. Owning a car? Forget about it.
We're generally fans of public transportation, and the idea of never having to find parking again is tempting, but NYC transit still has its share of problems. Like, why is it such a mission to get from Queens to Brooklyn on the subway? What's the deal with all of those preachers and random musicians? Why does this dude keep touching me? What's that smell? Did I miss my stop?
New Yorkers All Secretly Want to Live in Miami Anyway
Which explains why Miami's retirement homes and art galleries in December are always full of New Yorkers.
New York Has Weird Rules About Dancing
Dancing is literally prohibited in establishments in New York that don't have a proper license. If your favorite song comes on the jukebox and you want to do a quick two-step with your sweetie, you are at risk of getting the establishment fined unless it has a cabaret license. Some music venues without them don't even book bands that could possibly incite their audience to dance.
This, of course, is unconstitutional and patently un-fun bullshit. In Miami, if you want to open a bar or a club with dancing, all you have to do is open it -- because there will be dancing in it whether you like it or not. Probably dancing involving a lot of butt. That's just how we roll.
New York Will Not Live Up to Its Expectations
You will not have an adorable "meet cute" with the love of your life in Central Park. You will not get an internship at Vogue and charm Anna Wintour with your unorthodox ways. You will not spend hours sitting on a comfy couch at a quirky coffee shop while hanging with your five best friends. You and your best friend will not turn out to be the next Patti Smith and Robert Mapplethorpe. You will not marry your on-again-off-again billionaire boyfriend and have your newspaper columns compiled as a bestseller. Your dreams will not come true. You will live with a roommate until you're 35 and break down and move to Long Island -- or Los Angeles.
In Miami, however, you will go to the beach. You will witness some weird criminal acts. You will be offered at least cocaine. You will see lots of butts. You can probably find a few quirky old ladies to be your roommates. You probably won't have a pet tiger and a Lambo, though. Sorry about that. But otherwise, you can get what is generally advertised in the Magic City if you really want it.
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