Five Ways to Have Sex with Inanimate Objects
Everybody needs love. But sometimes other human beings are way more trouble than they're worth. There could be other problems, too. Like maybe your boyfriend's body just isn't boxy enough to satisfy your deep desire for smooth, flat surfaces and sharp penetrating corners. Or maybe you're just really bored.
In any case, welcome to the world of object love, where men put their penises inside entirely inappropriate pieces of machinery and ladies try to fit 110-story buildings between their legs.
See the cut for five ways people (mostly dudes) like to have sex with inanimate objects.
1. I Want to Penetrate Your Infrastructure
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Humankind has a long history of making love to what's called "hard infrastructure." At its largest, this means bridges, tunnels, sidewalks, subway cars, and electrical substations. Most of those things, however, are way too big to fuck. It's a physical impossibility. (But some still try. See number 2.) In general, people tend to stick with infrastructural accessories — like street signs, picnic tables, mailboxes — because they're the right size for the human body.
Beware, though, because doing it with objects can be dangerous. Check out the above news clip about a desperately lonely male humper from Hong Kong who, as the anchorwoman puts it, "apparently thought it would be fun to have sex with one of the steel sit-up benches around the park." He got stuck and the rescue crew almost had to cut his cock off. The moral: Every extreme bench enthusiast should add a can of WD-40 to his survival kit.
Sandy K. touches the towers, left, and Wall Winther cuddles with her wall, right.
2. Monuments of Love
Can you even imagine what it would feel like to put a giant New York City skyscraper or a massive monument to East German communism inside you? Well, there are a couple of women — Sandy K. and Wall Winther — who have spent every single waking moment of their lives in pursuit of that epic wet dream.
For her part, Sandy K. from Berlin first started crushing on the World Trade Center's Twin Towers before she hit puberty. "When it comes to love, I am only attracted to objects," she told Spiegel news. "I couldn't imagine a love affair with a human being." After 9/11, Sandy K. became a widow.
Swedish objectum sexual Wall Winther Berliner Mauer (nee Eija-Riita Eklöf-Mauer) has a similar story. (Note: Berliner Mauer means Berlin Wall. No shit, this lady married the wall in 1979 and legally adopted her husband's name.) From the time it was first erected to the day it was torn down in 1989, Wall Winther stayed to true to her hubby. But these days, she's playing the field, rubbing up against things like fences, gates, and guillotines.
One day, Mr. Jason Leroy Savage felt very dirty and he did something about it.
3. Carpet Wizard
Hey, it's totally cool if you want to conduct wild sexual experiments with home appliances. Go ahead and get down with your washing machine, garbage disposal, pizza oven, bandsaw, or blender. Honestly, we couldn't care less. One tip: Do not take that action to the streets.
If for some dumb reason you decide to leave the privacy and comfort of your home, there's a 137% chance that you're gonna become the next Jason Leroy Savage, the guy from Saginaw, Michigan, who got caught viciously violating a car wash vacuum. Someone reported "suspicious activity" to the cops. Savage got arrested. And his parents read it all in the morning newspaper.
4. Up the Tailpipe
Have you ever looked at the big fat bubble butt on a 1967 Volkswagen Beetle and thought: "Mmm, I want to fuck that thing." If so, you might be a closeted mechaniphiliac, meaning a person who experiences superhot sexual feelings for all manner of motor vehicles — planes, trains, automobiles, buses, scooters, lawnmowers, etc. Make some friends at sexwithcars.org and get lovemaking instructions from Dekhyr Dragon's Guide to Sex with Cars (For Males).
The proud and open poster boy for this particular alternative lifestyle is some dude from Washington state named Edward Smith. He's done the dirty with thousands of cars in his lifetime, including Vanilla (a Beetle), Cinnamon (a 1973 Opal GT), Ginger (a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash), and the helicopter from cheesy '80s spy show Airwolf.
"Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall, but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters, it's just wonderful," Eddie once told the Daily Telegraph. Elsewhere, he confessed: "There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until nighttime, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them."
Kaori, left, is smiling (AKA Real Doll facial expression #13) while, right, the Real Touch is given the finger test.
5. Almost Human
For a screwable object that bridges the gab between having sex with cars and having sex in cars, there's a classic little invention called the Original World Famous Auto Suck. It's essentially a dangerous-looking rubber tube with a set of open reddish lips at one end. You plug the Suck into your automobile's cigarette lighter, put your penis in it, start the engine, and zoom off to the grocery store while getting a really bad blowjob.
A newer version of the sex robot is the RealTouch, a giant peanut-shaped device designed by a whole team of anonymous NASA engineers. (Seriously, not a joke.) You push your thing into a flesh-colored coinslot and "a soft skin-like interior strokes and massages while the orifice lightly squeezes for perfect tightness." This machine even spits lube and heats itself to the temperature of a human body. Plus, if you plug it into your PC, the RealTouch can sync its pulsations to match the thrusting tempo of your porn.
Now, if you're not really a fan of fucking something that looks like a Dustbuster and you want a lover with a reasonable level of anatomical correctness, don't cave and get a girlfriend. Get a Real Doll. She doesn't need food or conversation. And you can keep her in the closet. Perfect.
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