Gambling is one of the greatest highlights of football season. Got a dozen bets running every Sunday? Risk your car payment on whether a college quarterback would run or throw his first TD? Trying to decide between the line and the over? Log in to your bookie through your smartphone?
Here's how to eat your way to success.
10. Steak On The State -
When you've lost your ass on too many games in a row, there's no way
you're putting any precious gambling money on food. But your body still
has to consume enough protein for your brain to make good bets. Sign up
for food stamps; they come on a debit card now, and you don't even
have to be unemployed. Have your gambling buddies do the same, and
voila, you've got an awesome barbecue every gameday.
Wild Salmon - So all those lousy ingrates think you bought them
that nice stuff with your winnings. Fact is, gambling is a skill, and it
takes a lot of research: who's playing, who's injured, how'd they play
last week, how's everyone else betting, and tons of other variables
we're just not giving away for free. Point is, you gotta eat what's
gonna help you win, and wild caught salmon is full of Omega-3's to keep
your synapses firing full speed ahead.
8. Frito Pie - So you took the spread, the line, the over, the under, three crazy parlays, four exotics, and about a dozen other bets on seven games one Sunday. Too bad you had to dump your food budget into your online betting account. Go to 7-Eleven, they have free cheese and chili, grab a bag of chips, rip it open and fill 'er up.
7. Bahamian Conch Fritters - So, apparently betting on sports is illegal in the U.S. Thankfully we have the internet, and the wonderful islands of the Bahamas, just 50 miles off the Florida coast, where plenty of smart entrepreneurs have banks of servers to store the information about our degenerate wagers. Have you ever called freaking customer service when you can't log in? Sounds like you've got your ear in a seashell. Get to know your operator by tasting their culture.
6. Chocolate Candy Bars - Chocolate is a brain food that helps the gambling neurons fire faster. It's cheap, you don't have to cook it, it fits in your pocket, and it may come with other food groups like peanuts, nougat, and caramel. A sugar rush may also help balance your rage levels or amplify euphoria.
5. Sardines - Some people are just born to lose. Can't afford wild caught salmon? Go for the sardines. They have the same amazing levels of Omega-3's. Your body can't produce them, you have to get them through food, and they help fight heart disease and depression.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
4. Pork Rinds - It's called the game of pig skin for a reason. Nuff said fatty.
3. Meatloaf - Did you bet the spread and hit the push? Win some, and lose some? Shoot the moon and come up even? Sound like you're a run of the mill, middle of the road, average American sucker. Wanna scoop of mash with that?
2. Baby Back Ribs - Football is a bloodsport, and gambling on it is too. All you vegan wimps can fuck off. This is war, up close and personal, the kind where you tear flesh limb from limb, and rip your enemy to shreds...or just pretend you are. Wipe that sauce off your chin fucko.
1. Wheatgrass - If you've never tasted it, picture mowing a lawn with your teeth. Great thing about it though, it's a green superfood that will charge your brain with more gambling ability than that pussy ass Miler Lite you've been guzzling. Get your game up sucka and cash out at the end of the season with stacks of bills.