With the South Beach Wine & Food Festival a mere stone's throw away, we can't help but think of all the traffic, money, and celebrities the bash will bring.

Sure, South Beach will be a pain in the ass to get around for those four days, but take into account all the tourism money and publicity this city receives, and it totally balances out.

We're all expecting the usuals: Paula Deen, Andrew Zimmern, Anthony Bourdain, Michael Symon. But for them to open a restaurant wouldn't be that much of a surprise. They are, after all, chefs and home cooking extraordinaires. A place from them is almost expected.

Let's instead take a look at five celebrities we'd like to see open a space. None have the slightest connection to food, or the restaurant industry, or good taste in general.

5. June We'll bet you were expecting a Hollywood superstar to be our first pick.

GLAD WE DIDN'T DISAPPOINT YOU!

June "Mama" Shannon is more famous than you'll ever be. And she PROBABLY knows more about Southern cooking than the person sitting next to you. That's why we want Mama to open up a Southern-style restaurant that specializes in home cooked fried chicken, oodles of canned vegetables slathered in butter, and of course "skeddi" (ketchup, butter, and spaghetti noodles). We personally think it'll be a hit.

4. Lance Armstrong

Recently in the news for admitting to doping his trails on the Tour(s) de France(s), Lance Armstrong would make the perfect celeb to open a protein shake and smoothie shop on South Beach. Smoothie King is overrated and outdated -- now's the time for something new. It could be called "LieStrong," and one of the specialty smoothies could have the extract of bull testicle in it. Andrew Zimmern would totally be into it. Speaking of Food Network, it's totally the kind of place Guy Fieri would feature on his show Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Bull balls = Flavor Town.

3. Kim Kardashian

We know. Kim Kardashian was an easy out. (BAHA, get it??) In a few days, Kim Kardashian and her older sister Kourtney will premier the third season of their show Kourtney and Kim Take Miami. This is all fine and dandy until the girls, who've done nothing for society expect make fools of themselves and gotten rich doing it, are presented with THE KEYS TO NORTH MIAMI BEACH. Naturally, this got us thinking they should open a restaurant in NMB called "Dashing." A perfectly portioned, flavorless array of salads and sandwiches and iced coffee and Pirate's Booty. All to-go, of course, because everyone knows we can only handle the Kardashians in small doses.

2. Charlie Sheen

Did you know Charlie Sheen's real name is Carlos Irwin Estevez? Yea, he doesn't seem so bad ass when you look at him that way. But his family is from Galicia, which is an area in northwest Spain. That area has awesome food, but knowing the Sheenster, his restaurant will likely be a hot-mess-in-a-dress of a place that's constantly being cited for coding issues and back-of-the-house drug use. Did you know he's going to be a grandfather? Did you know he has a 28 year-old daughter? We hope he names his restaurant Abuelo's. It's the closest thing to normalcy he will ever see.

1. Lindsay Lohan

Sometimes Lindsay Lohan is awesome. But most of the time, she's not. Lindsay would more than likely open up a bar with light bites, as opposed to a traditional sit-down restaurant. We totally see her cocktail menu peppered with the words "crack" and "hot mess" and "jail bird." We totally get it, she's had a rough few years lifetime, but sometimes those with hard knock lives are the ones the make the greatest spaces for drinking away our sorrows.

Follow Alex on Twitter @ARodWrites.

Follow Short Order on Facebook, on Twitter @Short_Order, and Instagram @ShortOrder.

• Food News