After Mocking Rubio, Trump Sips Water Like Weird Baby Person on TV

After Mocking Rubio, Trump Sips Water Like Weird Baby Person on TV
via YouTube
Florida Sen. Marco Rubio will probably never be president because he once drank water like a doofus on national television four years ago. The moment, which came during a State of the Union rebuttal, was dissected with Zapruder-film-like intensity, Poland Spring got in on the action, and Rubio cemented his status as a frightened, sweaty weirdo who lost his cool over eight ounces of spring water. DJ, run that back:
Well, politics is a different beast in 2017. Though Rubio wasn't able to take a quick drink on TV four years ago without the entire planet losing its marbles, Donald Trump just took a big swig of Fiji water during a news conference, appeared to possibly have a stroke, sipped from the bottle two-handed like a sad baby person, and will still pal around with dictators like Rodrigo Duterte and Recep Tayyip Erdogan by tomorrow morning.
The Breitbart/4chan monarchists who call Trump "daddy" and Photoshop his head on images of European kings (this is real) must be livid right now. Mere months ago, Trump was spraying MAGA idiots with water and making image-obsessed cretins like Rubio look like fools. He was their god-emperor:
It turns out Trump's brain was basically congealing into something resembling pork fat during the election cycle. He wasn't strategically mocking Rubio last year as much as he was probably just confused, saw a water bottle, and had nothing better to do with his time at a lectern. After Rubio's initial water-bottle meltdown, Trump even tweeted about how politicians should never, ever do that, but he clearly can't remember what's going on from one day to the next, and neither can we anymore:
The worst part about today: Marco got to say something funny and have himself a positive 24-hour news cycle. Look at how human he looks!
We live in Hell.
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Jerry Iannelli is a former staff writer for Miami New Times from 2015 to March 2020. He graduated with honors from Temple University. He then earned a master's degree in journalism from Columbia University.