This past Saturday, mildly wobbly after two $25 glasses of champagne, I happened to be standing near the $120,000 banana at Art Basel inside the Miami Beach Convention Center when a low din erupted in the vicinity of the fruit. A rope cordoned off the banana, for which a ten-minute line for selfies stretched down the hallway, and a team of security guards ushered spectators away from the piece. It's unclear what exactly happened next — someone gasped or yelled, and then everyone within earshot whipped out a phone and rushed toward the banana, nearly flattening me. Earlier that day, someone (a man later revealed to be a New York City artist and gallerist) had ripped the banana from the wall and eaten it, and a sort of banana-related hysteria had since taken over the crowd. Maybe someone would next smash the replacement banana or, I don't know, use lipstick to write a Jeffrey Epstein reference above it. In this case, someone had just nudged the thing and everyone started hooting and demanding more carnage.
Then Miami Beach police arrived. The officers — a C- or D-level-looking squad of at least five slow-moving cops who seemed fit only for desk duty — looked on in amusement. One woman asked the oldest-looking of the officers why a gigantic crowd had gathered.
"People keep messing with the banana," the cop said with a shrug.
The "Painting That Will Wind Up in an FBI Locker After a Predawn Criminal Raid" Award: The Juice Is Loose, Baby!
But, of course, one must know one's clientele — and Art Week is a weeklong convention pitched at the sort of people who sell human organs in Moldova or conspicuously defend their decisions to continue funding Woody Allen's film career in 2019. This might or might not be up for resale because Roger Stone's house got raided last year.
The "Taxes Are Too Low in America" Award: This Sign
The "Best Piece of Art That Approximated Being Stuck in a K-Hole" Award: A Video of Julia Child Cooking Eggs
The "Thing That Did Not Need to Have an Anatomically Correct Penis" Award: Whatever This Thing Is
The "Saying the Quiet Part Loud" Award: A Big Wolf of Wall Street Photo for You to Do Cocaine Under
This monstrosity of a photo at least knows its audience: the thousands upon thousands of retired white guys wearing Armani Exchange, browsing art fairs with girlfriends four decades their junior, and praying for something, anything, to make them feel like a wolf again because their doctor said if they do anymore cocaine, their hearts with explode.
The "This Cost $3,200" Award: Ted!
jokes about sickle cell anemia and "black-guy sperm" spilling all over Mark Wahlberg — was priced at $3,200.
The "Possible Bestiality" Award: Man and Chicken, Together at Last
Kanye West in a head-to-toe chrome look for Miami performance. pic.twitter.com/VrppbqYwpu— Pop Crave (@PopCraveMusic) December 9, 2019
We're not in Kanye anymore pic.twitter.com/Q2t5E0E8oP— Carl Mitchell (@GustyCarl1973) December 9, 2019
And, of course, Shit Blob:
I want gold Cee lo Green to fight chrome Kanye West pic.twitter.com/dvHRxiBu0q— mason more jelly (@balloutboy305) December 9, 2019