When people think Miami, the first thing that pops into their mind's eyes is boobs. Big, beach ball boobs.
But we're so much more than that. We are also crazy-huge booties and rock hard six-pack abs. We are tans the color of Key Biscayne sunsets and weird Barbie hair that breaks apart if you touch it. We are Gloria Estefan.
However, Gloria Estefan is not sexy -- enough to make this list, anyhow. We now bring you the authoritative, scientifically-proven list of the ten hottest Miamians we ever thought of in eight minutes.
Hey-- we heard that collective groan. But come on, she's Snooki, the ultimate honorary Miamian. She's forever glowing orange like a camping flashlight you don't have to shake. She is the very definition of DTF.
You didn't think we were just going to list women, did you? Just look into this dude's steamy eyes and tell me you're not imagining riding Palominos up some Colombian mountainside with him and ravenously eating pomegranates beside a cool stream. He's like Scott Stapp, but with twelve chest hairs and none of that unattractive Caucasian angst.
8. Miss Hialeah
Did you even know that there was a Miss Hialeah, and that this is her Facebook photo? Neither did we, but we're going to Google Danaily Belaunzaran more often.
7. Eva Mendes
Wikipedia tells us she's a Miami Cuban who aspired to be a nun. We tell Wikipedia that we're glad that didn't happen.
6. Elian Gonzalez
He's so hot he set off an international firestorm. And in just eleven months, ladies/dictators, he's legal!
King of Diamonds' stripper wrangler Disco Rick named her his top stripper under 40. She's an acrobat that can crush a tortoise with her thighs.
4. Marco Rubio's Wife
Marco Rubio's Wife is crazy hot in that possibly-evil, she-probably-beats-him kind of way. Plus, she's clearly into guys who look like Corky from Life Goes On, so it's nice to think that even you have a chance.
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3. Julie Durda
We could have named any Miami-area anchorwoman. And indeed, the WSVN weather reporter is a modest selection-- it often seems like every local female anchor we see on the morning news is 22 and looks like they just straggled in from a night at Mansion. It can be difficult to focus on the sad kitten mill or the happy fat-guy-who's-not-fat-anymore stories they're trying to report.
2. Father Alberto Cutié
Oh he's canoodling all right -- he's canoodling all the way to the Goddamn bank.
1. Jennifer Lopez
Not only does part-time resident J.Lo's pulsating beacon of a rear help planes and freighters locate Miami as they get closer, it also acts as a magnetic counterweight that keeps Megan Fox trapped in Los Angeles.