| Columns |

Miami Social: Thanks for All the "Ariel Stein, Kim Kardashian" Traffic Last Night

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Miami and help keep the future of New Times free.


Miami Social

happened again last night. George and Lina's relationship continued to make the cast of lead-in series

NYC Prep

look mature. Michael had his super sweet 16 (+20). People said the word "Gansevoort." A large dog pooped. And most important, Ariel Stein inspired a bump in Riptide traffic.

The show opens with George spreading mustard on a piece of bread when he gets a call from Lina. If you recall, last week she told him she was going to NYC for business, but -- oops -- she ended up on a yacht in St. Barts. Simple mistake -- it happens to the best of us. She's at the airport and needs two things: a ride home and affirmation George missed her.

"I'm between missing you..." there's an uncomfortable pause. George bops his head back and forth, his brain working overtime. Is he going to say something snappy? "Dissing you"? "Dismissing you"? Nope, "and never wanting to see you again." Oh, letdown. He eventually picks her up and takes her back, because he has a penis and its power clearly overrides that of his brain.  

Elsewhere in SoBe, Hardy's long-term girlfriend, Deluxisha Sparkletta Delicioushelle Trixia, has to suffer the indignity of being childless.

Silly Hardy, Trixias are for kids. 
All of her friends have kids -- not just one, but two. The line of argument "but everyone else has one" is acceptable if you're a teenage girl asking your parents for a cell phone. If you're still using that line when you want children, maybe it really is best to wait awhile.

Then Michael and Katrina catch up at a dog park. Katrina has two giant hell beasts she calls dogs. One takes a large dump on camera, and there's no attempt at obscuring it. Pretty much I could stop right there, with the dog pooping, and that would be a good wrapup, but alas, I'll soldier on.

Ariel continues to be a pain in Hardy's ass at a party at the Gansevoort (of course). He tells a woman Hardy is talking to that she looks like Sandra Bernhard. Which she doesn't at all. Hardy reacts as if Ariel just told the woman she looked like the giant pile of crap Katrina's dog took earlier, but -- come on, guys -- Sandra Bernhard is not that ugly. She has a "unique" look, OK? 

Ariel reasons it's a compliment because Bernhard is Madonna's friend. So next time I get told I look like Rosie O'Donnell, which happens a lot, I'll be sure to take it as a compliment. 

Meanwhile, Michael has put off his sweet 16 for 20 long years, and now that he is turning 36, he needs to have the biggest, bestest, hottest party ever... at the Sagamore. 

Michael wants to have a disco-themed party, because "disco is always chic." I know you want me to bash this, but he's correct. Disco is always chic. Thus bringing the total of sensical things Michael has said to three: 1. Ariel is a douchebag. 2. It is hard to date in Miami. 3. Disco is chic. Congratulations, Michael! You're winning the cast member race for who can string together the most words that actually make sense. 

During the party planning, someone has dared let a straight guy into the brainstorming session. He suggests check-in tables, but in case you haven't heard, check-in tables are so passé. Michael is clearly upset by the suggestion of check-in tables, so some lady spouts out a random assortment of phrases: 

"Girls. Dressed in costumes. Standing." 

Why not "Trained apes. Juggling. Unicycles?" 

"Fat chicks. Wearing party hats. Squatting?" 

"Albinos. Body paint. Downward dog position?" 

Maria continues to have a minor part. She sends her daughter off to Hogwarts in Sweden or something. She'll be surrounded by teenagers, Maria supposes. Which is, I guess, more appropriate than being surrounding by your mother's friends who only act like teenagers. 

Then it's Gansevoort time! This is where Ariel and Michael -- on a reality show -- have a legendary fight over whether Kim Kardashian is a "reality whore" -- while they are being filmed. For a reality show. 

Never mind that the fight starts over whether they should go to a Make-A-Wish Foundation event. Charity? That's more passé than check-in tables. What really matters is the caliber of the celebrity hosting. 

Ariel takes the position that Kim is a personal friend. Michael tells him she's just an acquaintance. Ariel tells him to "Google 'Ariel Stein, Kim Kardashian.'" 

Viewers actually did this. Lo and behold, a Riptide post comes up on the first page. Thanks for the traffic, Ariel. 
That being said, Ariel and Michael really are the most interesting part of this series. They should cut the fat and get a spinoff. It doesn't even have to be a reality series; they could review movies or something. 

Michael: "Did you see how Gerard Butler winked at me? I mean, he wasn't winking directly at me, but OMG. Do you think I have a chance? Thumbs up!" 

Ariel: "Well, Michael. I thought the plot was strong, but overall the movie just had way too many fat people for my liking. Thumbs down, way down." 

Then it's time for Michael's party. George broke up with Lina earlier, so he finds some look-alike to bring to the party, and everyone continues to talk -- in front of his date -- about how he just broke up with his girlfriend that morning. All the while knowing it would air on national television. Poor girl. 

Later, Lina and George decide to fight it out once more. George attempts to have a serious, emotional conversation with a woman in a slinky, shiny minidress and silver eye shadow who has an alter ego called "Lina #2." You know how you can't turn a ho into a housewife (Daneille Staub, aside)? Well, the same basic argument applies here. Dudes of South Beach, if you want to date a level-headed, stable girl, it's probably best not to try to settle down with a floozy you met in a club, y'know. 

Lina ends up at George's ex-wife Sorah's apartment. (Remember her? She's a castmate!) Sorah is cooking with her boyfriend Gorgonzola. This was supposed to be shocking, or something, but really I'm so tired of this George-Lina story line. More dog craps next time.  

Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Miami.