Yesterday, Riptide found what seemed to be a theme song for the newly christened Miami Marlins. Sadly, we've since learned the song is unofficial, a passionate fan ode to the reborn franchise -- which makes the music much more endearing, and also more confusing. Who the hell takes the time to write and record a song about the Miami Marlins?
More people than you'd think. Check out five other would-be Marlins fan themes we dug up on YouTube.
5. "Miami Marlins Rap," By Ironwheels 199
Key lyric: "New unis fill the store, are anything but a bore; a new sleek logo with such bright colors."
Jack McKeon Old Man Awfulness Rating: Three and a half McKeons. To Jack's ears, this teenage Autotuned rap duo have their hearts in the right place. But their flow is sub-Sugarhill Gang, and Jack demands a tight rhyme.
4. "I'm a Florida Marlin," Marlinshood.com
Key lyric: "No disrespect to J.A. Happ, but I could give a fuck about that red Phillies cap."
Jack McKeon Old Man Awfulness Rating: Five McKeons. That's a hearing-aid destroying backbeat, kids. But Jack does give bonus points for Marlinshood.com's official logo (visible at the 1:12 mark) of an AK-47 in place of the jumping fish in the team logo.
3. "Miami Marlins New Theme Song," by DaveBR38
Key Lyric: "Miami has the
Dolphins Marlins, the greatest football baseball team."
Jack McKeon Old Man Awfulness Rating: Two and a half McKeons. "Now waita second, these guys are just yellin over that Miami Dolphins song," Jack says. "That's lazier than that ragamuffin Hanley Ramirez. But damned if I don't like a good Sousa march."
2. "Miami (2012 Marlins Anthem)," by DC
Key Lyric: "New colors, new home, new team, new attitude and new revenue stream."
Jack McKeon Old Man Awfulness Rating: Three McKeons. Major bonus points for the Ozzie Guillen-lookalike yelling into the mic. And the kid's got gumption. Jack loves gumption.
1. "Marlins Will Soar," by Scott Stapp
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Key Lyric: "Come on Marlins, make us proud. I keep hoping and dreaming that you will soar."
Jack McKeon Old Man Awfulness Rating: Forty-seven McKeons. "This is worse than that time I was battling Teddy Williams for the first-base job in Scranton in 1923 and that Mick bastard put rat poison in my tobacco pouch and I blacked out for seven innings but still layed down two bunts," McKeon muses. "Is this really that asshole from Creed?"