Howard Knepper wants your vote for president. He also wants to invade Cuba. Most importantly, however, he wants you to tell you a story about a chimpanzee named Jerome and his donuts.
The completely unheard of Republican businessman from North Miami doesn't seem to have raised any money. And he doesn't even seem to be that Republican, advocating a bizarre mix of progressive and conservative positions. But he does have one hell of a campaign website, complete with a busty, blond, unblinking bodyguard in the background of his video. Keep reading to watch.
Knepper did not return a request for an interview, but his website speaks for itself -- in a poorly punctuated, occasionally misspelled melange of progressive policies, hawkish threats, and bizarre preoccupations.
On Cuba, for instance, Knepper says: "If I were elected as President of the U.S., I would do everything in my power to convince the congress of the U.S., to support a U.S. military invasion, to overthrow the Castro regime." He also calls for the militarization of the U.S.-Mexico border and the destruction of Iranian and North Korean nuclear programs.
On the more liberal side, however, Knepper favors universal healthcare, increased federal regulation of the housing and banking industries, and amnesty for undocumented immigrants who are productive members of society.
And then there's this random but passionate diatribe against the use of chimpanzees in laboratory testing:
In one of the laboratories in the U.S, there was a chimpanzee named Jerome, he was taken away from his brothers and sisters at the age of one, Jerome was then taken to a very small 4x6 windowless room where he lived for 16 years before he was euthanized, the last few years of Jeromes life, he was assigned a care taker, the care taker kept a diary of the last few years of his life, the care taker and Jerome in some way had a special relationship, although Jerome lived his 16 years in excruciating pain from the injections that were given to him, he would still run to greet his care taker. Jerome was very fond of donuts, the last few days of Jeromes life, was very sad, he remained lying down on his back, when the caretaker arrived with Jeromes donuts, he turned his head and looked at her with his eyes teared up, although everyone loved Jerome, On His final day, when he was euthanized, the caretakers, although there hearts were broken, t were relieved that Jerome no longer had to live in the excruciating pain, that he endured in his 16 years of life. Primates usually live into their Fiftys. The fact that the Federal government would allow these laboratories to exist, by using U.S. taxpayers money is outrages, and I will do everything I can to bring these laboratories to an end, and free over 200 of these chimpanzees, that are in the same situation that Jerome was in.
Here is Knepper's official campaign video. We have no idea who the creepy, well-endowed woman with snow white hair is.
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.
