The political world has come down with a crippling case of Rubio-mania. A junior member of the
glee club United States Senate, Marco Rubio is Latino, has Tea Partiers in his pocket, and represents Florida, the most important state in the 2012 presidential election. Name him as Mitt Romney's veep, the logic goes, and the Perfect Hair ticket will burn and pillage its way to the White House.
But we're pretty sure the pundits are touting the wrong Rubio. We much prefer Ricky Rubio, the 21-year-old Spanish point guard on the Minnesota Timberwolves. Here's why:
1. Ricky Rubio wears a Justin Bieber backpack. Marco Rubio is Justin Bieber. Here are the 109,000 times people have written that Marco Rubio has a "fresh face". He's only 40 years old, which is pretty much a fetus in the world of politics. We're pretty sure he's a virgin, and we could totes see Ann Coulter filing a baby daddy suit against him after an impassioned backstage quarrel at a campaign rally turned sexual. Everybody with taste loves Justin Bieber's music, but it's not cool to emulate the guy. Advantage Ricky.
2. Ricky Rubio is way better at this job.
Ricky has been a bright spot on a shitty Minnesota Timberwolves team, and he does stuff like this:
About the only thing Marco has done so far as a U.S. Senator is try, and fail, to pass an amendment allowing employers to restrict health coverage for contraception based on religious grounds. Advantage Ricky.
4. Ricky's stance on immigration is much more clear than Marco's
Ricky Rubio believes in basketball players immigrating to the United States to totally befuddle Tyson Chandler (#8). Marco used to be sympathetic to illegal immigrants, including once introducing a bill protecting farm workers including those in the United States illegally. Now when it comes to immigration, he's a hard-liner with caveats, appealing to nobody on either side of the aisle. And now it turns out that Marco's own grandfather may have stayed here illegally. It's all very confusing. Advantage Ricky.
5. We know more about Ricky than Marco.
Ricky Rubio is pretty much an open book. He's a 21-year-old kid who's really good at passing. But it seems like every week, we find out something strange about Marco Rubio-- from the Grandpa-dodging-deportation revelation to the flap over whether his parents actually fled Castro. Birthers have demanded to see his birth certificate, which was an awesome development. Then again, we do know that Ricky couldn't be vice-president, because he's too young and not an American citizen. Advantage: Tie.
Keep Miami New Times Free... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Miami with no paywalls.