Smell that? No. It's not David Beckham's metallic musk. It's love. Valentine's Day is here. Buckle up. We're all going to get laid.
Well... some of us. Truth is, Valentine's Day doesn't mean as much in a world of Snapchat dong shots and Grindr nookie. That lovey-dovey Hallmark crap? It's the antithesis of the round-the-clock booty shake that is South Florida.
Love? It's dead.
Almost dead, anyway. There is one place where lust still rages and bleeding hearts dare dream: Craigslist's Missed Connections page.
You know, it's the modern way to find that cute guy at the gym whom you've always wanted to approach, but have been too scared... or the girl you spotted leaving the parking garage. The idea is you hop on Craigslist, type up a post describing the person, and hope that, somehow, they're cruising Craigslist looking for you.
South Florida's Missed Connections portal is a smorgasbord. There are some posts as romantic as a glory hole, others as lachrymose as a year of afternoon soaps. But where else in this bankrupt world can lonely hearts unload their anguish and hope, no matter how much of a long shot? Face it: Missed Connections is the only trove of honest eros in our palm-bedazzled Thunderdome of meaningless sex.
To celebrate Missed Connections this Valentine's Day, we decided to print some of the most romantic recent entries. Hopefully, by publishing them, we'll help connect these star-crossed lovers. And we aren't coming to this Valentine party empty-handed. New Times is offering a $25 burger dinner to any of these couples who hook up — assuming they can prove it.
Here's one of our favorites: a tearjerker for the ages. This 22-year-old W4M (woman seeking man) is searching for her "midnight lover from Miami Beach."
Looking to reconnect with the man that made love to me, New Year's day at Michelle's New Year's party. The hotel near the shore. We were both intoxicated and you probably don't remember my name but I remember yours. Tell me your name and I'll reply to you. Hopefully this image jogs your memory.
Yeah, pass the Kleenex box. For this gay 29-year-old M4M, heaven came last week in the bathroom of a Steak 'n Shake on U.S. 1.
U long hair... you know what happened. Didn't have time to give u my number. Email me and give some details to ensure you are the right person.
This red-headed vixenish W4M met her match in Fort Lauderdale, only to watch him disappear.
We were at the BDSM party Saturday night. I'm the tall redhead who was in the leather corset, skirt and boots. You were admiring my whip work and we discussed some of your interests which were T&D, Showers, Bondage and Spanking. You told me I had the most beautiful eyes you had ever seen and told me I should be a model. I told you I used to be one before I aged out of it, but that I still did some fetish modeling. I had to finish disciplining my subbie and I tried to find you later to give you a card because you said you'd like to see me for a session. I couldn't find you, but it was such a crowded zoo in there I couldn't find you.
This couple from Hollywood fell for the same dark beauty.
We are looking for the juicy and meaty looking thang we saw last night... You are a Cuban tan cutie and had all the right ingredients we are looking for. We met only for a moment but it was pure magical. We got blasted by your thickness and we want more. Please contact us immediately.
Sometimes all it takes are a few brief brushstrokes. Consider this 35-year-old W4M who fell in love at the Winn-Dixie off Bird Road in Miami.
You: bearded hottie buying flour and muscle milk.
Me: desperately wanting yr muscle milk.
Cupid's arrow nailed this 31-year-old M4W in the checkout line of the Miami Costco.
Just wanted to say that you are so hot and I wish I had the guts to say something. It was on the 20th, we looked at each other a few times, you have an amazing ass...
The angel nailed this W4M as she looked out the window at a landscaper trimming bushes.
I don't see you too often as I'm usually at work and damn, I miss seeing you working hard and sweating making my yard look beautiful. Over a year ago, when my husband moved out, I asked you in to help me inside and you sure did. The things you did to me were incredible. I have never been that satisfied before or after and I must have more. I know you told me back then that you had gotten back together with your ex-wife and couldn't do that anymore. A man with morals turns me on, but it's probably you altogether. I want you.
This M4W first felt the spark of love in the Homestead Walmart produce department.
You: 20's, green shorts, blue T, gorgeous bod', kissy smiley lips, curly blond hair, shoulder length... To die for.
Me: 50's, black pants, green Scottish windbreaker, mustache, grey hair, great smile. On an electric cart (bad back). The seductive fifties.
Us: you cross my path a first time by entrance to veggies (I notice you; too young). You cross my path a second time, smiling, by the bananas (I gauge you; gorgeous... wish I was younger). You block my path a third time, smiling, by the strawberries (Darn! Could it be she likes me?). Then you're gone. You reappear by the O.J. I say to you "me agaaaain!"
This 56-year-old M4W was simply eating dinner in a fine establishment connected to the Seminole Hard Rock.
Saw you at Hooter's with your boyfriend/husband and friends. You were checking me out checking you out... I hope that man of yours takes good care of you because if you were with me... If you want to fool around or maybe have a little sexting fun, hit me up. Tell me what I was eating while I was thinking about eating you.
Last, there's this 50-year-old M4W searching for a lady whose caboose he had observed.
You were chasing a guy in a car. You had on a jacket, but not much else! What a sweet ass, and nice tan. You looked at me and smiled when you realized what you had shown me, and pulled the jacket down around your rump. You might be a little crazy, but get back to me. I won't make you chase my car.