Carlos Zambrano Joins Ozzie Guillen In Miami, Giving Marlins 93 Percent of MLB's Crazy

The Miami Marlins inked a deal last night for once-explosive, possibly still insane Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano. With Ozzie Guillen already signed on to manage the club, the two most unhinged personalities in baseball will call Little Havana home next season.

Scientists contacted by Riptide are still unsure what might result from the volatile mix of Zambrano and Guillen inside a single MLB clubhouse. Either the combined force of their manic energy will create a carbon-monoxide like compound that fells opponents, or else the new stadium will vanish in a mushroom cloud of expletives and thrown Gatorade coolers.

The Fish agreed to ship pitcher Chis Volstad to get the one-time Cubbies ace Carlos Zambrano, once among the most feared pitchers in the National League.

Of course, opposing batters haven't really feared Zambrano since 2008, his last solid season for Chicago, when he went 14-6 with a 3.91 ERA. Since then, he's mostly struck terror in clubhouse psychologists and watercooler repairmen.

As Zambrano's skills deteriorated in Wrigley, his antics went from colorful to borderline psychotic. MLB minions sadly patrol YouTube for the best clips, but so many people have posted video of Zambrano's legendary fight with Derek Lee in 2010 that some evidence remains:

Beyond hoping that a change of scenery will help Zambrano bounce back, it's clear what the Marlins are thinking with the signing: By pairing Big Z with Ozzie, the club now owns two of the best known Venezuelans in the Bigs.

You can bet the ticket office is hitting Doral, Westonzuela and the other Caracas ex-pat neighborhoods hard with season ticket offers this morning.

Will the bizarre combination of Zambrano and Guillen work on the field?

Who knows, but this season in Miami will be more entertaining than listening to Ozzie discuss his innermost feelings on Sean Penn:

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Tim Elfrink is a former investigative reporter and managing editor for Miami New Times. He has won the George Polk Award and was a finalist for the Goldsmith Prize for Investigative Reporting.
Contact: Tim Elfrink