Allen West's fellow Wheels on the Road columnists make an excellent brain trust

Allen West could soon become the first sitting U.S. congressman with close ties to a white racist biker gang (well, at least since Sen. Dirtbeard Jones [R-Penn] back in '46). It's all the more remarkable considering that West — who's four points ahead of Rep. Ron Klein in his Broward and Palm Beach district — is black.

Democrats have hammered the retired Army lieutenant colonel for hanging with the Outlaws — a motorcycle club notorious for running meth rings — and for writing columns for Wheels on the Road, a racy biker magazine run by a tough named Miami Mike.

Allen begs to differ, but why is he running from his biker bros? Voters love them! And frankly, these guys are just the kind of change America needs. So to help West prepare for his transition to D.C., we've filled his new cabinet with fellow columnists from Wheels on the Road:

Minority and Women's Issues: Willy Woo. The gray-bearded rider has a sweet white boa constrictor around his neck in his columnist profile. He'll crush these thorny PC problems like a ravenous snake.

Key quote from his latest column: "Someone PLEAZZZZZZZZE get rid of Debbie Wasserman Shitz... That yenta annoys the crap out of me with her whining voice. Guys, can you just imagine banging her (UGGGGGGGGGG) and she's screaming at the top of her lungs!!! Some visual, huh, guys?"

Islamic Outreach: Nuke 'n Pave Dave. The erudite, cigar-chomping scholar has just the right political touch needed to reach our Islamic brethren.

Key quote: "Islam is not so much a religion, but more of a dictatorial type... of government... I will never support the construction of any mosques in this country until such time as Christian churches and Jewish synagogues are raised... in Mecca."

Sex Education: Nasty. His name says it all. And trust us, he knows sex.

Key quote: "Naked women make me smile. Chicks that flash me their titties make me smile. Strippers make me smile... Blow jobs make me smile... One hot babe got totally naked and that made me smile. Her shaved koochie made me smile and was a perfect match to the T-shirt I was wearing that said, 'Vaginas are way Kool.'"

National Defense: Miami Mike. The brains behind Wheels on the Road is also its brawn. Just ask Congressman Klein, who last month filed a report with Capitol Police claiming MM was threatening him.

Key quote from his email to Klein: "You need a good ass kicking, which I'm more than happy to do even though I'm a bit older than you."

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Tim Elfrink is a former investigative reporter and managing editor for Miami New Times. He has won the George Polk Award and was a finalist for the Goldsmith Prize for Investigative Reporting.
Contact: Tim Elfrink