Who will survive? With UMF becoming a two-weekend behemoth and WMC/MMW turning into a ten-day smackdown, March in the MIA has officially become an insane EDM endurance test. And here is the most important rule: Do not attend any fewer than an average of two beat-freaking parties per day.
So stay PLUR, keep hydrated, and consult New Times' guide to the 20 best parties during this year's WMC and MMW. It just might save your life.
Made in Miami. With Oscar G. Friday, March 15, 10 a.m., Shelborne South Beach, 1801 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-531-1271; shelborne.com. Tickets cost $23 to $53 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Were you aware Oscar G has been rocking facial scruff and sweet shades since birth? (Well, at least according to the flyer for this year's Made in Miami party depicting Oscar as a baby.) Hell yeah, bro, he's that cool.
Kaskade. With Project 46. Friday, March 15, 11 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $75 to $125 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Some Confucius-like words of wisdom (via Twitter) from the electronic dance music superstar known as Kaskade: "A fun-size candy bar is way less fun." Translation: Forget moderation. This is a party, dude. Eat, drink, fist-pump. No regrets.
Caligula and Lazerdisk Party Sex. Saturday, March 16, 10 p.m., Hyde Beach at the SLS Hotel, 1701 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-1701; hydebeach.com. Tickets cost $25 to $35 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. As a Roman emperor, Caligula was a psycho and a pervert renowned for his mass-murderous ways and doing the dirty with his sisters. Meanwhile, Lazerdisk Party Sex was (probably) a brief '90s fad involving movies, music, and partner-swapping. Of course, those are also the names of two rad EDM crews hailing from Miami and Vermont, respectively. Still, if history is any indication, this Hyde Beach bash is gonna be a wildly depraved, high-tech good time.
Snoop Lion. Presented by Prestige Sundays. Sunday, March 17, and Sunday, March 24, 10 p.m., Bamboo Miami Beach, 550 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-4771; bamboomiamibeach.com. Tickets cost $175 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. In OG times, Snoop Lion (formerly known as Snoop Dogg) would've spent Sunday evening sippin' on "Gin and Juice," puffin' on fat blunts, and humpin' up on some hos. But ever since his conversion to Rastafarianism, Snoop prefers paying homage to Jah while up in the club on the Holy Day. Still sparkin' that ganja every Sunday, though.
Maya Jane Coles. Presented by SAFE and Embrace. With special guests. Monday, March 18, 10 p.m., Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave., Miami; 305-456-5613; electricpicklemiami.com. Presale tickets are sold out; admission at the door. Ages 21 and up. All tatted up and sporting a severe superhipster haircut and a bull-ring through her nose, Ms. Maya Jane Coles is a tough, wiry lady from the UK who looks like she could kick your ass. And she'll definitely do it. Just not with her fists. She's gonna beat you down with beats.
Skrillex. Presented by OWSLA. Tuesday, March 19, 10 p.m., Story Nightclub, 136 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-538-2424; storymiami.com. Tickets cost $50 to $90 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Speaking of dangerously asymmetrical haircuts: Planet Earth's premier dubstepper — six-time Grammy winner Sonny John Moore — will soon crash-land the Skrillex spaceship into Story on South Beach. Destruction! Mayhem! EDM mosh pits!
Laidback Luke's Super You & Me. Wednesday, March 20, 11 p.m., LIV, 4441 Collins Ave., Miami Beach; 305-674-4680; livnightclub.com. Tickets cost $60 to $80 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. There's almost too much of everything EDM during WMC and MMW. But not uhntz-uhntzing costume parties! So dress like a fist-pumping vigilante or a slutty superhero; then go rave for the human race with Dutch do-gooder Laidback Luke and his awesome sidekicks.
Kevin Saunderson. Alongside Carl Craig. As part of Detroit Premiere Artists Showcase. Wednesday, March 20, 10 p.m., Treehouse, 323 23rd St., Miami Beach; 305-614-4478; treehousemiami.com. Tickets cost $30 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. This guy invented techno. No, really — we're serious. It happened in Detroit about three decades ago. There were riots. The city was broke. So everyone decided to make soulful yet apocalyptic party music. Sounds a lot like 2013.
Knife Party's Haunted House Miami. Wednesday, March 20, 10 p.m., Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave., Miami Beach; 305-695-8411; mansionmiami.com. Tickets cost $70 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Normally, if you were invited to a knife party in a haunted house, we'd say, "Don't go! Stay home! Call the cops!" In this case, though, we're talking about a couple of Australian electro house dudes and a reasonably safe South Beach club. So you probably won't end up a corpse with a blade in its gut.