Have you ever gotten drunk and thought, "Man, burrrp, I wish I could go back to prom and do it all over again. I would really, hiccup, show them."
Well, if you sobered up, you might realize going back to your real prom is a horrible idea, but taking part in the 11th annual '80s Prom at The Vagabond would be totally rad!
Trust us, whatever schmuck you took to prom isn't as sexy as the ten people you meet at '80s Prom. Unless you married that schmuck.
See also: '80s Prom: Ten Best Dressed, From Miami Vice to Madonna
The Boombox Kid
Radio Raheem ain't got shit on this guy. He said Ds motherfucker, Ds! This dude ain't the DJ, but he feels confident enough in his music taste to boom-blast his way through the streets seven days a week. It's how he gets the hot, artsy bitches!
The New Romantic
Pornography is such a good fucking album, right bro? All these modern Hot Topic bastards don't even know what real pain is about. How am I supposed to tear apart my pictures of you if you only post selfies to Instagram?! Woe is me!
Hair Metal Axe Murderer
Where are the strippers? This guy fucks like a tiger, see? He's earned his stripes. Actually, maybe he fucks more like a zebra? Whatever. Either way, he's a fuckin' wild animal. Now, bring him more beer, woman.
He knows that not everybody has got a body like him, and that's what makes him special. Just make sure you wake him up before you go-go. P.S. The one-earring trick is still maybe our favorite '80s fashion statement.
"This Jacket Makes Me Professional, Dad"
The terrible fact of life is, back in the '80s, the guy who wore the fucking suit jacket over his clothes probably ended up with a bunch of money in our day. Or maybe that's just the impression we got from watching so much 30 Rock. Jack Donaghy 4 lyfe.
Adorable "Too Much" Girls
Despite being dressed in every fabric, pattern, style, and accessory known to man, these cutie patooties are stylin'. You can tell they like a good time because they are the funkiest mamas on the dance floor. They'll probably bust out the cheesiest moves too. Yayyyy.
The Material Girl was one of the '80s greatest icons. People literally based their entire fashionable lives on her music videos. In the '80s, you were either Madonna or Pat Benatar, right? Well, looks like Madonna has the last laugh.
Is this guy about to go skiing? Or is he just going to hit the bathroom for a few lines? Who knows, who cares, because that jacket is mad flagrant. There must be a whole 'nother party tucked into his giant sleeves. Can we get on the list?
It's not the '80s without a little bit of America's favorite senile president. And look! He brought guns! The second amendment is alive and well at '80s Prom. Now, how about making some of that liquor trickle down, knowutImsayin?
The "Friend-Zone" Guy from the Movies
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This poor douche. He's got great sunglasses, but he never gets
Molly Ringwald the girl. Well, maybe he finally did on this night. After all, it is prom, the most magical night of our freakin' lives. So glad we got together to live it all over again.
The 11th Annual '80s Prom. Wedneday, November 27. The Vagabond, 30 NE 14th St., Miami. The party starts at 9 p.m., and tickets cost $10 plus fees via wantickets.com. Ages 21 and up. Call 305-379-0508 or visit thevagabondmiami.com.
Follow Kat Bein on Twitter @KatSaysKill.