Ten Unforgivable Concert Crimes

Concerts and festivals aren’t cheap. Sure, the base cost might be $15 or $20, but that’s before the entertainment oil barons — AKA Ticketmaster — add on their ridiculous fees service fees. (Really? a $66 fart insurance fee?)

Then, there’s the cost of transportation, food, drinks, hotels, etc. Perhaps that’s why it’s so upsetting when an unexpected variable — namely, other people — takes a big steaming dump on your good time. Allow me to lay out some of the concert crimes you people have been committing lately.  

10. Fighting for no good reason.
So you paid money to have your favorite band soundtrack your arrest for assault? Money well spent. By the way, we’re not just talking about stereotypical bro behavior here. Cram together a bunch of drunk, sweaty strangers all boxing each other out like Charles Barkley fighting for a rebound, searching for that sweet spot away from the tall dude who keeps throwing up jazz hands, and someone might get bitch slapped. I’ve seen it happen at Radiohead and Vampire Weekend concerts. Hipsters can fight too!
9. Yelling out, “Free Bird!”
This stopped being funny in the '80s, and that was a decade after the song was first released by Lynyrd Skynyrd. These days, it’s about as funny as running your genitals through a pencil sharpener. If you do shout it, look around. Your friends all loathe you. In fact, it’s time you knew the truth: You're adopted. Your adoptive parents hated you, but they're decent human beings while you aren't, you stupid fucking clown. You will die cold and alone and, once you arrive in hell, Satan will only play a Pitbull cover version of “Free Bird” through a loudspeaker you can never turn off, situated high above the entrance to your fiery cell.
8. Talking throughout the show.
Just as no one will give a shit about your fugly ass baby a few years from now when you soil your social media feeds with photos of it, no one cares about your mundane, pointless existence. Oh, my god, it’s your birthday next month!? Good. Ask your parents for a muzzle. Unless you’re the guy onstage with a mike or a guitar, the only acceptable words out of your face are, “Want a hit?” Because, yes. Yes, I do.
7. Filming the entire concert on your phone.
You know what, phone person? Hang out with the “Free Bird” guy. You two were made for each other. Take a hint from your permanent one-percent battery. No one would keep driving if the gas gauge in their car read 'E' — same with the crappy video that’s eating your phone’s power and your credibility as an interesting person. Also, I can’t see. None of us behind you can. Put that shit down, you selfish bubble boy.
6. Taking photos... with the flash on.
Do you really think your iPhone flash from the nosebleed section of American Airlines Arena is going to make a difference? How do people over the age of seven not realize this? The only effect your supernova has in the pitch black of a concert is alerting the six rows in front of you that some schmuck behind them has no idea how to properly use a camera.
5. Smoking cigarettes.
Don't smoke cigarettes in a crowded venue. Some of us want to smell nice for sex later and not like cancer farted in our hair. Besides, between fast food and terrorists, we have plenty of things trying to kill us already, and we don't need any additional help from your nasty-ass menthols. If you are going to smoke, make it worth everyone's while. Bring a few blunts/joints/apple bongs to share with the group, and make some new friends. And please, none of that regs garbage. You're grown now — pony up the extra cash and buy some quality weed that illustrates you've at least got that part of adulting down.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Angel Melendez is an unabashed geek and a massive music nerd. A graduate of Florida Atlantic University and an accomplished failure at two other universities, Angel is a lush and an insufferable know-it-all, and has way better taste in music than you.
Contact: Angel Melendez