The last time we heard about nude photos of Carly Rae Jepsen, her representatives were denying that any such photos existed, saying, "This is 200% NOT Carly."
So it shouldn't be surprising that a short time after supposed stills from a Jepsen sex tape surfaced, police have confirmed that someone is trying to sell a series of nude photos that is 201% DEFINITELY Carly.
Ever since the release of "Call Me Maybe," Carly had represented something pure and unconditionally likable, harkening back to a more innocent time when people used telephones to actually make calls.
But now the girl who would trade "pennies and dimes for a kiss" is about to become a fixture on every free porn site in the world. What fiend would do such a thing?
In an effort to help the police get back on the really important cases (e.g. the Minka Kelly sex tape), we here at Crossfade have compiled a short list of suspects who might be behind the crime.
Bieber
If you spend any time reading YouTube comments, you know that lots of guys who love Van Halen already blame Bieber for ruining music. There is no more pure embodiment of music than Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe." It is goodness and light. So if these Van Halen guys are onto something, it would make sense that she would be the Biebz's first target. Means, motive, opportunity.
The Dude from the "Call Me, Maybe" Video
He's just trying to make some honest money, mowing a lawn so he can get the rest of chapter one of Matt Christopher's Catcher with a Glass Arm tattooed on his chest. And what he gets instead is 170 million people seeing him with his shirt off. It's enough to drive anyone to revenge, possibly even murder. Somebody should figure out a way to get in touch with Carly and make sure she's OK.
Bradley Cooper
Doesn't he just seem like the kind of guy who would do something like this? I mean, anyone who can't make it work with Renee Zellweger ... He obviously hates women and he's out to destroy all of us. Right, ladies?
Syria
A couple of days ago, I think I saw Syria trending on Twitter. Could this be why?!?
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Cookie Monster
This one could have been an innocent mistake. Dude's been beaming nude photos of himself to American children for decades. And he wouldn't have done anything different if they struck up a friendship after he covered her song.
But Carly's from Canada where they have Poppy Boulevard or something instead of Sesame Street. If their guy, Cracker Monstour, wears pants she could have been thrown and sent him the photos out of typical Canadian politeness. (Remember, she's new to this fame thing.) And when you're dealing with addicts, they'll do anything to get that next fix.
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