Fuck lists, man. There are only two lists I like in this world: a grocery list and that one Uma Thurman used to cross off the people she murdered in Kill Bill.
What's wrong with art these days? It's forgotten where it came from. Do you think Frida Kahlo and her unibrow could get into Soho Beach House if she were alive today? Hell no, man. They wouldn't even let her and her monkey hand out mints in the bathroom. Salvador Dali would get Tasered for standing too close to Tommy Hilfiger, and Claude Monet would be trampled by Mr. Brainwash's entourage.
But that’s Basel for you. It’s big, expensive, and exclusive. So if you plan on hitting the town this week for some parties, be sure to avoid these ones — unless you’re P. Diddy, in which case you can go wherever the hell you want.
8. DuJour Magazine Party with Hilary Swank, Adrien Brody, Nan Bush, Bruce Weber, and more. Tuesday, December 1, at the Delano Hotel, 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Invite only.
The last time Adrien Brody and Hilary Swank got together, it was for a movie called The Affair of the Necklace, which currently has a 15 percent critics rating on Rotten Tomatoes. To put that in perspective: Splice, Brody’s 2009 sci-fi thriller in which he has sex with a genetic mutant creature that he created in a lab, currently enjoys a 74 percent critics rating on Rotten Tomatoes. So, you know what, maybe you should be glad you’re not invited to this one. Also, DuJour’s motto is, “Where luxury lives,” and you’re currently reading this in a pair of dirty underwear. And you knew damned well they were dirty when you put them on this morning.
7. Soho House Kick-Off Party hosted with White Cube and Vinyl Factory. 8:30 p.m. to 1 a.m. Tuesday, December 1, at Soho Beach House, 4385 Collins Ave., Miami Beach.
Each year, White Cube throws a welcome party at Soho House for all the important people of Art Basel. Sadly, you’re not one of them. White Cube is both a London art gallery and what Paul Giamatti called himself when he stole O'Shea Jackson’s Raiders hat during some goofing off in the Straight Outta Compton trailer. And the Soho House is a members-only establishment in Miami Beach that’s harder to get into than Donald Trump’s butthole.
6. PAMM presents "Dimensions" by Devonté Hynes (Blood Orange) and Ryan McNamara. Thursday, December 3, at Pérez Art Museum Miami, 1103 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. Open only to PAMM Sustaining and above level members as well as Art Basel Miami Beach, Design Miami, and Art Miami VIP cardholders.
Speaking of getting into Donald Trump’s butthole, Jorge M. Pérez! Your best bet of sneaking into this party is entering via Biscayne Bay. Dressed in all black, silently doggy-paddle up to the PAMM, scale the wall like an iguana, and if anyone tries to stop you, say you're Banksy. Once inside, you'll need some dry clothes. Tiptoe into the bathroom and wrap yourself in toilet paper like a mummy. Don't worry; there's no such thing as looking ridiculous during Art Basel. Everyone will think you're a creative genius, and Baz Luhrmann will probably give you his card.
5. The Surf Lodge's Jeremy Scott Party. Wednesday, December 2, at the Hall, 1500 Collins Ave., Miami Beach.
Jeremy Scott is one of the world’s hottest designers, known for making clothes you wear if your name is Katy Perry and you have enough money to buy South Dakota. He’s responsible for Super Bowl XLIX’s left shark, and in 2008 he partnered with Adidas to make adorable little teddy bear sneakers. Lil Wayne even wore them in perhaps what was the deepest throes of his cough syrup phase. What does Scott have in store for this year’s party? It’s hard to say because we aren’t nor have we ever been what one might call “invited,” but we can assume they’ll be at least one person there named “Arrow.”
Oh, the Surf Lodge is also throwing an event with street artist Shepard Fairey on Thursday. You're not invited to that either.
4. MoMA PS1 Party. 9 p.m. to 2 a.m. Friday, December 4, at the Delano, 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Invitation only.
New Yorkers love not letting people into things. You think the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles liked living in the sewer? Hell no, son. Those green little dudes probably got kicked out of Central Park so many times they just thought it would be easier to live underground. This year, the New York’s famed Museum of Modern Art is throwing its PS1 party at the Delano, but much like inside the actual MoMA, if you get too close, you will be tackled by an underpaid security guard.
2. Scope 15th Anniversary with Mack Wilds and Lil’ Dicky. Friday, December 4, at Nikki Beach, 1 Ocean Dr., Miami Beach. Invitation only.
Man, three years ago, who would have guessed Lil’ Dicky (AKA Mr. Leftward-Sloping Penis) would be headlining a party you couldn’t get into? Certainly not Lil’ Dicky. But even though he’s gone all South Beach on us, we can’t help but smile at the fact that the man who once devoted a whole verse to describing another man’s ding dong has infiltrated the snobby guts of Art Basel. Do your thing, L.D. We’ll be listening from the ocean.
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1. Le Baron Pop-Up. Wednesday, December 2, through Saturday, December 5, at FDR at Delano, 1685 Collins Ave., Miami Beach.
Here’s the thing about Le Baron: You are technically invited. But you won’t get in. Le Baron is open to both celebrities and common folks, yes, but it’s known for having one of
You know, most of the places are meant for people who have money or cars, or who are famous on TV or whatever. I make a place for the artists I like and people who create. They are the people who get in and make Baron their home. Then the rest can come, of course. I'm not looking for the normal VIP. That's not what I'm interested in.
So how can you get in? Saraiva explained it to us like this: ”It's not so much about the look but what you have to tell and the attitude.”