DJ Khaled's Seven Most Essential Keys to Success

Perhaps you've been wondering why we haven't really been covering DJ Khaled's spectacular rise from zany hip-hop character to national icon. He's a Miami-based artist. He's ridiculous and fascinating. His story is important and hilarious and inspiring all at once. He meets all our criteria.  

Well, for the past couple of months, we have been working on a DJ Khaled profile. It's this week's cover story, and tomorrow it goes live online.

Khaled's been a known name in Miami since the '90s, but his recent fame can be traced back to a single app: Snapchat. The social media platform gave the rest of the world a glimpse of the Khaled Miamians have known for years — in clubs and on 99 Jamz. We'll get into all this in our feature story, but we figured right now would be a good time to brush up on your Khaled knowledge.

Khaled often broadcasts his many — too many to keep track of — keys to success over Snapchat on a daily basis. So we've compiled a list of DJ Khaled's most essential keys to success for your perusal. 

7. Stay away from they.
Khaled always likes to talk about "they." Essentially, "they" is a synonym for negative people who want to pull you down. They don’t want you to succeed or Jet Ski or own a Rolls-Royce or have a pool or swim in that pool or swim at all. It seems all they really want you to do is sit quietly in a dark cabin with no internet connection far out in the middle of nowhere while you slowly starve to death. In short, they are some serious assholes. And right now, if you’re thinking to yourself: Well, they’ve got a point. Bad news, you are they. 

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6. Chef Dee and her incredible breakfasts.
Eating breakfast (usually some iteration of egg whites and turkey bacon/sausage) is one of Khaled's biggest keys to success. Each morning, he walks to the kitchen and proudly Snapchats the "breakfast they don't want you to have," which is prepared by his personal chef, Chef Dee. Chef Dee is rarely smiling and often seems less than enthusiastic about being part of Khaled's snaps. She also makes a shit-ton of lunch every day, which — we hope — Khaled is sharing. 

5. Give 110 percent on the elliptical.
One of Khaled's favorite exercises is the elliptical. He gets nice and sweaty, listens to reggae, and often Snapchats motivational speeches while gliding away like a gazelle made of feathers. It's a low-impact exercise that's safe on the cartilage, and healthy knees are pretty hip-hop in our opinion. 

4. Celebrate success right with Apple Cîroc.
Khaled's favorite alcohol is vodka. His favorite vodka is Cîroc. His favorite Cîroc is Apple Cîroc, the only way to celebrate success right. Sometimes, if he's feeling a little goofy, he puts a bottle of Apple Cîroc in his bamboo and calls it a "Cîroc Apple tree." It's adorable.

3. Apply cocoa butter liberally on all areas of the body.
Each morning, Khaled slathers himself in cocoa butter like a Thanksgiving turkey. He loves staying clean and smooth. He does this shirtless, sometimes with the help of others to get those hard-to-reach areas. We can only imagine that a hug from Khaled feels like a thousand silk pillows. 

2. Do not ride your Jet Ski at night.
One time Khaled got lost at night while on his Jet Ski, on his way home from eating lunch at Rick Ross' house, a lunch that, presumably, they didn't want him to have. He returned home a bit too late and almost didn't find his way back home in the pitch black of Biscayne Bay. It was his most famous Snapchat moment to date and a mistake he'll never — never — make again.

1. Never feed a pack of wild raccoons.
One time, also on his Jet Ski, still silky soft from the morning's cocoa-buttering session, Khaled rode up to a small Island in Biscayne Bay, where he saw a couple feeding feral raccoons. This upset him. This, he declared, was most definitely not the key to success. Perhaps Khaled had a bad experience with a wild raccoon in the past. Maybe their little thumbs confuse him. Either way, Khaled is anti-feeding wild raccoons, and you should be too. 

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