"Bieber Got a Penis Enlargement With My Stolen American Express," Says Lunatic Lawsuit

Justin Bieber is going on an insane spending spree, buying drugs, abortions, and penis enlargers with an American Express card that he jacked from his girlfriend's dad.

Now he's being taken to court by the poor victim. But, uh, the "victim" is just a totally insane dude from Michigan.

Thankfully for us, these crackpot allegations are only the tip of the iceberg in what might be the most hilarious and absurd actual lawsuit of all time.

See also:

-Justin Bieber Pukes on Stage!

-Justin Bieber's Fans Want To Breathe His Farts, Shower In His Vomit

-Are Justin Bieber and Rihanna Really Having Sex? Take Our Poll

-Justin Bieber's Sex Tape: An Extremely Detailed Breakdown

According to TMZ, the allegations being thrown around in court are a laundry list of amazing. They include:

"Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug." Hell yeah, nice name drop on the rug, bro. If you've got a bear rug, you can't be crazy.

"Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums." Like, who doesn't fantasize about Usher shoving a lit rocket up their butt?

"[Bieber] gave selena a std and Bieber stole my credit card to buy him and sean p-ditty combs cocaine to use in drug free school zones." We only do our hardcore uppers in school parking lots.

"Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card." Right ... As if the Biebz needed a bigger bone.

Basically, this guy sounds like a crazy cry baby. All these things are awesome. Why doesn't Bieber steal our credit card?

That way, we could live vicariously through him, and show people our statements all, "Look what we did last weekend."

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