Don't get us wrong, we love it when guys, especially big macho meatheads, are caught in public crooning along with Alanis Morrissette's "Ironic," Fiona Apple's "Criminal," or any other song that looks weird coming from a throat with an Adam's apple. But let's be clear. We are laughing at you, not with you. Still, if you don't have a problem with that the humiliation, please go right ahead and keep belting out these girly tunes:
10. "Miss Chatelaine," k.d. lang
Some people can't explain why they become Miss Chatelaine, but really there's no excuse if you're a dude. So don't. Every time your eyes meet ours we'll die laughing. Trust us.
9. "December 1963 (Oh, What a Night)," Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
It's easy to get lured into singing along with this one, it's a catchy classic. But be warned. Very few guys who can hit the high notes (think the BeeGees' "Staying Alive") without a pre-pubescent crackle in their voice. What's worse the theme of the song -- the loss of virginity -- seems like a natural for a man's man until you recite the line, as I recall it ended much too soon. They're talking about premature ejaculation, you dopes.
8. "Glory of Love," Peter Cetera
More corn than an Iowa farm field. I am a man who will fight for your honor. I'll be the hero you've been dreaming of. We'll live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love. They just don't write them like that anymore. Mercifully. For some reason, one finds themselves exaggerating facial movement when singing along to this song (never a good thing). Plus, it marked the official shark-jumping of the Karate Kid franchise.
7. "Man in the Mirror," Michael Jackson
It's actually kind of inspiring as far as MJ songs go (pretend we never wrote that!), but way too hokey to be performed in public. Save it for the morning shave. If "Hutch" can't pull it off, you have no shot.
6. "Ice Cream," Sarah McLachlan
You might melt your lady's heart if you croon this lullaby to her, but you'll also shrink your package, or at least, have to turn in your man card or sign up for the pink team, or whatever other chauvinistic, homophobic barb you can think of.
5. "Rhythm is Going to Get You," Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine
Actually, rhythm will magically desert you through every open orifice once you start mouthing the lyrics to this one. O eh, o eh, o eh, oo aah, O eh, o eh, o eh, oo aah. Please, no.
4. "Relax," Frankie Goes to Hollywood
Everybody, especially sexually frustrated guys, loves to mouth the part,
Relax, don't do it. When you want to cooommmmeee. What the dudes that
sing it don't realize is that they sound like grade-A dirt bags when
they do. We'll wait until you go, thank you.
Hey Paul, hey Paul, hey Paul, let's have a ball. But not by
singing this underrated lullaby by the underrated Pixies. It's a little
bit of an obscure reference, maybe, but anybody who's familiar with Kim
Deal's vocal range will agree that no man should try to replicate it. And this we know.
Unless you are a thug, in which case it's okay, do not try singing this in
public, in particular if you are in Trick's 3-0-5. We officially give
real thugs permission to stick a gat in your stupid face if they catch
you.
1. Anything by Air Supply
Most guys know to steer clear of any Air Supply, the musical equivalent
of castration. But when they think no one is watching, or if they're
coming off a bad break up, they can't resist and find themselves
whispering along to "All Out of Love," "Lost in Love," or "Making Love Out of
Nothing at All." Want to see what can happen if you indulge the
whimpering woman inside of you? Take a look!
