As Jersey Shore’s second season takes hold, we must remind Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino that he is definitely not the original greased-up guido with a thick accent, a mild speech impediment, and a beautiful way with the broads. Only Sylvester Stallone can lay legitimate claim to that throne. We all…
Two bodies are knotted together like sick trees in an unmade bed. He is a Japanese architect and an army conscript. She is a French actress. And somewhere in the darkened space they share, the Little Boy mushroom cloud is still blooming and the white-hot atomic fires keep spreading. He…
A black-eyed lady wearing leather and heels likes to keep her king snake on a choke chain. He’s a beautiful, prizewinning specimen that’s long, strong, and thick as a baseball bat. She lets him slither up her arm, coil around her throat, and flick his tongue in her ear. She…
After just 17 games, a 2-6-9 record, a defense with the most goals allowed in the USSF Division 2 pro league, and a six-game winless streak, our hometown soccer team, the Miami FC Blues, finally had enough of head coach Victor Pastora. Last month, the Blues shit-canned Pastora barely halfway…
From Miami Dolphins general manger Jeff Ireland asking potential draftee Dez Bryant if his mother was a crack-addled prostitute, to several players getting busted for things like DUI and alleged domestic violence, to wide receiver Brian Hartline’s car being found abandoned on I-75 after a hit-and-run, this summer has been…
This week in art: From kaleidoscopes to sarcophagi
Most people associate open-mike poetry nights with tie-dye, sneaky hits from Pyrex bowls, crusty flip-flops, and the stink of patchouli. But the Bohemia Room at Vlada Lounge is the “Boom Boom Pow” version of those hippie nightmares. Sure, there’ll be some political ranting, but it’ll likely be followed by Marvin…
Strap on your helmet and start pedaling. No, not just the vegans in cut-off shorts with fixed-gear bikes, but all of you. This Saturday’s Miami Beach Community Bike Ride is appropriate for cyclists of every type, shape, and size. Hosted by the Miami Beach Bicycle Center, it’s the longest running…
Not that you crazy kids ever leave your sweaty desktop computers, but sneak outside just long enough to grab tomorrow’s new issue. Our art critic, Carlos Saurez de Jesus, opines on a dishwasher full of black dildos at the Museum of Contemporary Art’s “Claire Fontaine: Economies” exhibit. In his review …
Some video games just fucking suck. And it’s no coincidence that the vast majority of shitty games are based on some other shitty media product — a plastic Disney pop tart, some dumb movie, or softcore porn magazine — that corporate America considers a sacred cash cow. It’s become routine…
[jump] Dear Dog Lover, You seem like the top in your relationship. If you weren’t, you’d probably be cleaning a litter box instead of writing me this letter. So, do what tops do best and tell your boyfriend that it’s your way or the highway. I am totally on your…
Nietzsche declared, “One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.” It’s doubtful that the existential philosopher anticipated chaos giving birth to Dancing With the Stars, where B-listers tango for more fame. It’s more likely that he would have been down with…
Just a few months ago, we were bombarded from all sides by the news that the Jersey Shore kids had invaded our city, but many of us dodged them like a scary orange plague. All our careful avoidance was for naught, though, because we are going to be forced to…
[jump] Name: Daisy Dead PetalsOccupation: DJDescribe your style in three words: Coco Chanel meets JonBenét RamseyWhat’s the sexiest part of your body? My mouth…
Imagine your optic nerve went rogue and started tampering with the way your vision was processed by your brain. Instead of blue skies and green trees, those millions of nerve fibers told your gray matter you were actually seeing scenes from 1960s surgical videos. And you can blame the wayward…
Click here to view photos from the premiere of Cody Hudson’s designs at Bar.Call it a gimmick if you want, but really, it’s genius — dare we say, revolutionary — what Bar is doing. The hipster drinking establishment rotates their look every two months, basically assuring that patrons will be…
Our world is plagued by many problems, but there is none more serious than chronic lack of food. Without proper nutrition, people do crazy things. They babble incoherently, self-mutilate, and sometimes even try to stuff their empty stomachs with inedible stuff like tofu. In the most extreme cases, however, hungry…
Hialeah Haikus … Chew on that idea for a moment. And before you commit harakiri at the thought of the pairing, just focus on the words, short and purposefully constructed to elicit a strong visceral reaction. Isn’t that the essence of a haiku? You know, it makes sense in a Hialeah…
Try to imagine a Nicaraguan Million Dollar Baby and you have La Yuma, a film about a woman in Managua who dreams of getting inside a boxing ring a la Hillary Swank. It’s the first Nicaraguan feature film made in two decades, and it’s exactly the kind of movie that…
When you think of cone bras, borderlines, and virginity, it’s only natural to think of Madonna, right? Didn’t she create all of that or something? With her lace fingerless gloves, Madonna was at the forefront of ’80s fashion. She was probably the first to wear chains, and taffeta and tulle…
What’s the best way to stop a war? Take off your clothes, do some collage, and head to the World Erotic Art Museum. Join the protest tonight from 6 to 10 p.m. as WEAM launches the next phase of its assault on America’s military-industrial monster with “Sexual War Politics,” a…
Next time you find yourself alone in a fitting room and in need of an objective fashion opinion, consider your options: You could ask a salesperson, but he or she will likely tell you that you look fabulous just to get a commission. You could snap an awkward photo of…
