Shopping & Services

Hello? Yeah, stupid, it's me. You are never going to believe this. Me and Jose went to Cracker Barrel, you know, the one in Florida City? Yeah, right, well, we got lost on the way there. Whatever. You know how the addresses in Homestead don't make sense, and we were stoned as balls anyway. Well, we found this awesome thrift store, like, in the middle of nowhere. I got an Alf T-shirt, and Jose bought a Mothers of Invention album — original vinyl! Not only that, but I also found an original Punky Brewster lunchbox! Jose got some stupid G.I. Joe dolls, whatever. And I found these kick-ass heels and, like, three supervintage purses. Now, get this, we paid three bucks for everything! Holy shit, right? Whoops, maybe I shouldn't say, "Shit." The shop is on church grounds!

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READERS' POLL WINNERES

Best Auto Dealership: The Collection

Best Bike Shop: Mack Cycle & Fitness

Best Bookstore: Books & Books

Best Clothing Boutique: Emporium

Best Gym: LA Fitness

Best Hair Salon: Control Salon

Best Hotel: Surfcomber

Best Liquor Store: Total Wine & More

Best Mall: Aventura Mall

Best Mechanic: Abana Auto Parts

Best Spa: The Standard Spa

At the risk of foiling any romantic chemistry between us, dear reader, for the purposes of this item we must describe our body. We are approximately 50 pounds overweight and have flat, wide feet. Imagine if a duck mated with Alfred Hitchcock. Now imagine that auteur paddling bird tried his hand (wing?) at basketball one afternoon and badly turned his ankle. Given the weight on his feet, the lack of supporting arches, and the seriousness of the injury, this would be a job for a masterful foot doctor. Especially if — we admit we're stretching the metaphor a bit here — the filmmaking duck had to catch a plane to the mountains of Utah for a hiking trip in two days hence. Let's tell the rest of the story straight: Dr. Gary Curson advised us against making the trip and offered to write a letter to the airline to assist in having the tickets refunded. When we refused, he prescribed industrial-strength ibuprofen, wrapped our afflicted foot like a mummy, outfitted it in an embarrassing boot, and gave us some ground rules for treating the appendage so it wouldn't be permanently damaged. All the while, he cheered us with some pleasantly corny wisecracks. There were no exorbitant charges on top of our insurance payments, and we enjoyed our trip — although we did much more drinking than hiking. Take it from a fat-ass duck: Whatever the opposite of a quack is, that's Dr. Curson.

Miami has a love/hate relationship with literature. Our beaches are littered with tourists' cast off pulp paperbacks. Our local luminaries are crime reporters cum authors. But that doesn't mean we don't appreciate the written word as much as your average American does. Just check out our libraries. Many of them are packed. And when Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Gimenez shut down dozens of them to save money last year, locals were rightly pissed. Luckily, Miami's best library was spared. No, we don't mean that pastel pleasure palace on South Beach. We like that branch, with its coffee shop, interior courtyard, and general law-and-orderliness. But downtown is our definition of a true library: a repository of rare and weird items such as limited editions of Florida authors and rare prints by Ed Ruscha, Robert Rauschenberg, and Andy Warhol. It's also where all Miamians — rich or poor, mansion owners or street dwellers — converge from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. Monday through Saturday and, finding a spot near a window, lose themselves in a musty book. So ditch your Kindle. ¡Vamos a la biblioteca!

Ever visit a city where the public transportation actually works? Like Minneapolis, where people take the light rail from the airport? It feels like you've escaped from the hinterlands into the Capital. (Yes, that's a Hunger Games reference.) Miami will probably never have good public transportation, what with our perpetually inept and greasy-palmed collective of politicians. But depending upon your starting point, getting to Miami International Airport by bus is — believe it or not — pretty damn painless. The Airport Flyer, as the express route is called, travels from South Beach to the airport and back with only two stops: one in Mid-Beach and one at the Earlington Heights Metrorail Station. It costs $2.35, a far cheaper option than cabbing it or parking long-term. If you don't live on the Beach, your journey gets more complicated once you transfer at Earlington Heights — but hey, what do you think this is, Seattle?

Best is such a subjective word, especially when it comes to parking. The obvious answer is whatever is cheapest and closest, but no one wants to hear your stories of parking glory. "Oh, you found a metered spot right in front of the restaurant? Great, good for you. Guess what? I just parked in what is quite literally the most buzzed-about and architecturally important parking garages of all time." Yes, we're talking about 1111 Lincoln, the Herzog & de Meuron-designed parking paradise that's been featured in every publication from the New York Times to Vanity Fair. You know you wanna drive up in that thing. You know you wanna glide your car into the clean concrete and wide-open vistas. You know you're gonna take a picture from the edge. You know you're gonna casually mention it once you get to wherever you're going. Is it always the most inexpensive and convenient place to park? Probably not. Could you make a strong case that it's the best? Obviously. Just admit it, you newly minted parking elitist.

Johnny Jr. wanted to go to that chain place for his birthday. You know, that one with the beetle mascot, or is it a pigeon? What, it's a rat, isn't it? After eating ten slices of greasy pizza, however, his stomach protested. Sadly, with his eyes crossed after four hours of playing videogames, he couldn't quite find the restroom. It didn't end well. Little Carlita, however, opted to throw her birthday party at Miami's own Cool-de-Sac. Her guests dined on healthful pizza with a vegetable purée deceptively hidden in the ingredients. Mom and Dad chose the tuna tartare. After playing dressup in the salon, she achieved artistic nirvana while painting ceramics. Little brother, meanwhile, romped through the tunnels of the indoor playground and wound down by building a magnet tower in the science room. Not a single guest protested when Aunt Ileana pointed out they'd all had a nutritious and educationally stimulating time. They just wanted to stay longer.

Miami is the home of palm trees and gorgeous hotels, but it's also a place where thousands of cats and dogs wander the streets homeless or abandoned by owners who move back North. Most of these animals have pretty lousy endings — winding up hit by cars on I-95, starving, or falling ill. The lucky ones, however, make it to the Humane Society of Greater Miami Adopt-a-Pet, where caring staffers and volunteers take the time to nurse unwanted and confused creatures back to health. The shelter also makes it a point to socialize them and teach them basic commands so Fluffy and Fido are more likely to be adopted. The shelter also has a clinic, providing low-cost spaying and neutering to stop the cycle of unwanted pets, as well as inexpensive vaccinations. And yes, this shelter has a no-kill policy, meaning that once an animal is brought into the system, it's safe until it finds a permanent home. If you can't adopt, why not spend your Sunday volunteering at the shelter instead of watching that Real Housewives marathon? If karma is a bitch, the least you could do is take her for a walk — or take her home!

Life ain't always a picnic in one of the world's most beautiful cities: road rage on the Palmetto, that endless parking-spot search on South Beach, the eternal quest to stay thin amid a lifestyle of constant partying. Sooner or later you realize you need to slow down, chica! It's time for a staycation at one of the most luxurious spa resorts on the planet. The famous Canyon Ranch in Arizona, home to the rich and famous who need a quick way to lose ten pounds before the Oscars, also has a Miami Beach resort complete with an insane number of amenities. Check into the all-suite hotel and you'll meet a team of doctors, therapists, nutritionists, and personal trainers, all designed to whip your mind, body, and spirit into shape in about a week. Beginning with beach walks and meditations, you'll be massaged, colonic'ed, kneaded, analyzed, pampered, and destressed every minute of the day. For when you wind down, your suite comes with a kitchen equipped with a juicer, blender, and fridge (perfect to whip up some papaya smoothies), and instead of a lobby, there's a gathering space where you can sip an organic cocktail before having a heart-healthy meal from a menu custom-prepared for you. Then climb the indoor rock wall, learn kickboxing, do yoga, or relax at one of the four gorgeous pools. With rates starting around $400 a night (and reaching more than $2,000), it's not cheap. But it's a lot less expensive than a week at the local cardiac care unit or psych ward.

Let's face it. Sometimes you gotta take a book, newspaper, or magazine with you when it's time to use the toilet. When that need arises during a trip to downtown Miami, the main library is ready to accommodate you. Step through the front sliding glass doors, and stroll to the periodicals or the fiction and nonfiction book section on the first floor to pick up some reading material. Once you've selected your literature, head back toward the front entrance and hang a right near the checkout desk to get to the bathrooms, which are saturated with disinfectants to eliminate any leftover hobo germs. In fact, the bathrooms are so pristine that you don't have to worry about catching anything when your tush touches the toilet seat. All the urinals, toilets, and sinks are operated by infrared detectors, so there is no need to fiddle with flushers or faucets. The bathrooms also feature diaper-changing stations for the wee ones, plus there's an extra family restroom. Just don't forget to return that reading material when you're done.

Near Miami International Airport, the Florida Department of Transportation is entering the final stage of the agency's most ambitious project in Miami-Dade County. Known as the Miami Intermodal Center, or MIC, the facility will make connections to public transit much smoother from one of the busiest airports in the nation. Construction on the Miami Central Station, the center of the $1.3 billion project, is already underway. When it's completed in November 2013, county residents and visitors will be able to catch Metrorail, Tri-Rail, Amtrak, or a new commuter train servicing Miami-Dade, Broward, and Palm Beach counties from a sleek terminal that seems conceived by Star Wars filmmaker George Lucas. With its aerodynamic metal and glass exterior, Miami Central Station's $88 million price tag is worth every dime that taxpayers invested. Two years ago, the transportation department finished the first phase of the project, the Rental Car Center, a four-level, 3.4-million-square-foot building that houses every car rental agency serving MIA. Air travelers can take a people mover there, providing a seamless connection. All aboard!

CDs are dead, cassette tapes are belt buckles, and eight-tracks are a cultural relic good only for dating period movies about the '80s. Yet somehow the grooved-vinyl predecessor to them all lives on in the hearts of music enthusiasts young and old. Vinyl records are a physical link between our present and past, and no one in Miami understands that sentiment better than Yesterday and Today Records, located just off the Palmetto Expressway on Bird Road. For more than 30 years, this place has pushed rock 'n' roll relics to customers looking for the rare and retro. The store has an extensive collection of garage, psychedelic, disco, folk, funk, jazz, dance, punk, soul, metal, experimental, and everything in between. Record prices start at $1 and average $8 to $20, and besides music, there are plenty of cool vintage shirts, framed photos, books, magazines, and other memorabilia for sale, along with players, needles, and all necessary accessories. You can purchase records in-store or by mail order through [email protected], and the shop is happy to order anything you might want but can't find. But with literally thousands of records on hand, you're bound to find something for your collection.

Punk rock veteran Chris Critic started Critical Recording Studios five years ago to promote affordable recording for Miami bands. His motto has always been "By musicians, for musicians." The live drum tracking booth and microphone placement prove he knows what a drummer is looking for in a recording environment. The studio has recently expanded with departments dedicated to hip-hop, R&B, EDM, and the broadcast industry. There is state-of-the-art digital recording technology, vintage analog gear, and a stable of engineers and in-house producers who help create the sound you're looking for. Studio rates range from $39 to $150 per hour for packages that can include mixing and mastering. Beats can be leased for $30 to $50 or purchased for $200 to $500 for exclusive rights. Additionally, 24-hour rehearsal spaces are available for $8 to $30 an hour. Free consultations are encouraged, and a monthly open house includes a tour of the studio and a free recording session for a single for first-time visitors. Critical Recording offers a professional environment for musicians who want top-flight results.

Alex Constantinidis was born to teach guitar. His parents were top concert pianists and teachers in Ohio. They began his training in intensive classical and jazz piano theory at a young age. He attended Boston's prestigious Berklee College of Music, graduated from the University of Miami School of Music, and has been teaching guitar and keyboard lessons in Miami since 1982. He also loves rock 'n' roll. His Venezuelan wife, Sylvia, has two master's degrees in piano theory and composition from UM and is close to earning a doctoral degree in that subject from Boston University. She is an accomplished contemporary classical composer who has had pieces premiered all over the world, has a new album on iTunes, and is on the board of directors of the National Association of Composers of Venezuela. She has also written widely on composition. The two offer guitar, piano, violin, and vocal lessons that you simply can't get from a 23-year-old kid in a storefront "music school." The Constantinidises charge $35 to $65 an hour for serious musical instruction in various styles for all ages. Call 305-285-6887

There are more than a thousand bottles on the shelves of Happy Wine in the Grove, the second store in the Happy Wine empire. (There's also a location in West Miami: 5792 SW Eighth St., 305-262-2465.) It's billed as a tapas restaurant with a menu covering all the basics, from tortilla española to chorizo soaked in vino, but the real fun begins when you peruse the assortment of international labels representing every corner of the world, from France to Germany to New Zealand to the United States. Cardboard cases overflow with bottles, creating a maze of wine, but friendly employees are more than happy to guide you through it. Ask them to point you in the direction of 90-plus rated bottles, many of which are remarkably well priced under $20. In addition to educational monthly winetastings, Happy Wine even hosted a casual affair with celeb vintner Antonio Banderas while he was in town for the South Beach Wine & Food Festival. From a $1,100 vintage bottle of 2001 Harlan Estate Napa Valley Cabernet, awarded more kudos than almost any other Californian Cab, to a $16.99 bottle of 2009 Château Puech-Haut Prestige from the French Languedoc (given 93 points by Robert Parker), this wine store in Coconut Grove offers a truly happy assortment for enophiles.

Quiz time! Which came first: Aventura Mall or the City of Aventura? If you answered the latter, you'd be wrong. The mall opened its doors in 1983, while the city wasn't incorporated until 12 years later. That's right: This is a shopping center so massive they literally built a city around it. In the late '90s, Aventura Mall really came into its own via a major expansion, and in 2008, a new Nordstrom and more retail space sent the place right over the edge of sanity. And the mall isn't finished devouring real estate. Next up are more luxury retailers, some of which are fleeing the haven of Bal Harbour Shops. Case in point: Louis Vuitton, a longtime tenant of the ritzy open-air mall, set up shop in Aventura in July. Aventura Mall boasts an enormous variety of products and services on three floors and 2.7 million square feet of retail. With anchor stores such as Bloomingdale's, Macy's, and Nordstrom, and shops such as Diesel, Y-3, All Saints, M Missoni, Apple, and many others, you're guaranteed to get lost in a sea of commerce.

The employees at Leggenda Bridal Boutique are superbly accommodating, even if they won't let sweaty male New Times correspondents try on the dresses. Owner Sandra Zacharias has been in the wedding business for more than 20 years. Her boutique began as a bridal accessories shop before expanding into the Miracle Mile institution it is today. She now runs the store with her daughter Yanitza, and the focus on family is not limited to the staff; Leggenda dresses not only the bride but also all ladies attending a wedding — from the flower girls to the mothers of the bride and groom. The store's goal is to provide dresses for every special occasion in a woman's life, and it's not uncommon for customers at bridal appointments to bring pictures of themselves in prom dresses they purchased at Leggenda. The staffers know it won't be long before they are fitting the daughters of their brides for prom dresses. Leggenda tends to stock younger, trendier designs while also keeping prices affordable: Bridal gowns run $900 to $4,000, mother-of-the-bride dresses cost $600 to $1,200, and quince dresses are $600 to $1,200.

When you finally grow up, it's time to tear down your silly "room accents" from Target and invest in some pieces worthy of a page in Coastal Living magazine. Actually, that's just one of the many publications that have showcased some of the unfailingly tasteful finds for which people from all over the world flock to Stripe. The front room is color-coordinated in beachy whites, beige, and natural wood tones. The back room is home to antiquities and some modern objects in darker, denser hues. Exquisite French cast-iron-framed mirrors, dandelion chandeliers, tables made of coral and wrought iron, Norwegian lounge chairs in oak and leather, Fornasetti coasters made of seashells, life-size Italian ceramic greyhound sculptures, vintage metal birdhouses, vintage "tractor seat" stools, and authentic tribal beaded headdresses are just the beginning of the list of stuff to peruse in this dazzling den of elite artifacts. You could spend anywhere from $25 to $30,000 in this hub of antiques and collectibles. But even if your budget isn't boundless, Stripe is worth a visit, if just for the experience. Unlike some of the proprietors at other renowned antique spots on North Miami's "20th Century Row," owner Eric Cody is informative and friendly, even if you don't stroll in wearing $3,000 shoes.

This strip of shops near Biscayne Boulevard in North Miami is one of those I-can't-believe-it treasures that's nestled in a surprising spot. North Miami is better known for its corruption-entangled mayor than for its great shopping, but this strip brings a touch of affordable class and homey history that deserves a nod and a visit from anyone considering purchasing a chair or a fancy mirror that looks like a bejeweled birdcage. There's ITS Antiques, owned by Francine Peltz, a kindly woman who's been bringing rare and collectible antiques to Miami for more than 15 years. Aubery specializes in chic French furniture from the 1950s to the '70s but also offers a host of cool modernist paintings. April Antiques, just next door, features quality wood furniture and is owned by Jim Hodgdon, a friendly old guy who made his first furniture sale when he was a boy of ten. Finally, Cliff Sneed, who's been in the antiques biz for upward of 20 years, has rococo-style dressers, vintage nightstands, highboy chests, and time-tested tables and chairs that are so densely packed into his Golden Era Antiques that walking through the doors is like embarking on an antique-furniture expedition.

Despite the Magic City's carnival mesh of cultures, many furniture shops here are more vanilla than Topeka. After your eyes glaze over from a slog through the big-box furniture stores, all the dressers and cabinets look the same. Here's the antidote: Home Design Store. The family-run business culls pieces from several countries, such as India, China, and Indonesia, and aims to make your home décor unique. The products are solid wood, with a selection including teak, mahogany, elm, and Indian rosewood. And the prices are right, considering your home will look like it was furnished by J. Peterman after a voyage to the Far East: a rosewood table from India will set you back just $599, a stylishly weathered nightstand costs $369, and a sweet jade-hued ceramic Buddha straight from China is $299.

Matthew Miller has been blowing glass since he was 15 years old. He started as a shop rat at the University of Miami's Art After Dark program and then apprenticed with the best of the South Florida "art glass" community. He's the right-hand man of sometimes Miami-based Rob Stern of the world-renowned Pilchuck Glass School in Seattle. In 2005, Miller started his own company, Nickel Glass, and ever since has been filling custom orders for private clients, interior designers, and fancy hotels, as well as repairing high-end glass pieces from Murano, Italy. No other custom blower in Miami shows the full-time dedication to the craft it takes to be master of the glass.

It's not often you see your dry cleaner at the opera and she gives you a kiss and a hug. But Kim Coe is not your average dry cleaner. She is a stain-removing savant. And although she's not the cheapest in town, she's worth every penny. Her small store on Biscayne Boulevard handles dry cleaning for several South Beach hotels and even Miami City Ballet. But she will just as happily hand-finish your suit ($14.50), pants ($6.75), or shirt or blouse ($6.25). She even does alterations. But the real reason we keep going back to Kim is that she's like the aunt we never had. When Coe arrived in the United States from South Korea just before Christmas 1970, she had nothing but her daughter and $10. Walk into her store today and you'll see a woman at home in her self-made empire, right down to her dog Sparky and the Girl Scout cookies she sells on behalf of neighborhood kids.

While nearby Mary's Coin Laundry and Deli lures students, foodies, and night owls with café con leche, Cubanos, and other culinary perks at its 24-hour lunch counter, the recently renovated Coral Way Lavenderia has made family its focus. The launderette's newly repainted walls are adorned with cute paintings by local kids, while arcade games and multiple TV sets keep the little ones occupied as you separate the whites from the colors. For adults, there's free Wi-Fi and a pair of computers so you can check your email without having to stuff your laptop into your already-heavy laundry bag. Laundry sucks. Luckily, Lavanderia doesn't.

Every girl needs a great swimmy. It's imperative to the very nature of our femininity. Onda de Mar has our backs every time we stop in. To start, the bathing suits are beautiful and simple. The selection is high-end designer wear (ladies' suits mostly range from $180 to $200), but the store frequently has awesome sales of 50 percent off. The swimwear style is primarily European, which is fantastic because it's a change from the typical tacky, neon prints we see in most other Miami swim shops. Guys, no baggy trunks here. If you want a clean-cut look, this is your place. And ladies, the only decision you'll have to make is which pattern looks better on you: solids, stripes, or polka dots.

Skeptical or not, it's human nature to want to know what the future holds. But the average psychic always says you'll be going on a trip very soon or that the man of your dreams is just a failed relationship away. The more cunning ones will say you need to fork over more cash to get rid of some supposed curse or, worse, the evil eye. That's where Sandra Cheryl Richardson is different. The psychic, author, lecturer, and paranormal investigator isn't looking to deceive you. For $65 for a half-hour or $120 for a full hour, Richardson, a practicing wiccan priestess for more than 20 years, will read you the tarot cards or your aura and give you advice — that's the key difference, advice. She's more counselor than snake oil saleswoman, and perhaps that's why her customers are also her most ardent supporters. Richardson likewise teaches classes on developing your psychic powers and understanding the spiritual world. And you better believe there's an app for that — you can take Richardson on the go with the Wiccan Sabbats app (available in the iTunes Store). And even if you're not interested in a reading, perusing through Celestial Treasures' retail space is a must. There you'll find everything for the avid psychic enthusiast, including books, stones, tarot cards, and a chance to sign up for workshops.

Ever wanted something pierced? Ever wanted something naughty pierced? We know we're not alone, and so does New Age Body Piercing in the Grove. For 11 years at their Grand Avenue location, artists have been piercing every body part from head to toe. With the cleanliness of the facility, friendliness and professionalism of the staff, and affordable prices, you'll never feel better about fulfilling your masochistic tendencies. New Age Body Piercing has a plethora of body jewelry, from studs to spacers to barbells, so you'll definitely find something to suit your fancy — and to fit your new hole. The average piercing costs about $45, depending upon the jewelry.

Getting new ink is comparable to experiencing a major life event. You're essentially branding yourself with something you won't mind seeing forever. You might have a few stamps already — whether you got them in a drunken stupor one night in college or after having an epiphany, words, shapes, and pictures are all fair game in the tango between ink and skin. The first thing to do after you've decided on a tattoo is to choose a good place. It's imperative that it's clean, licensed, and safe. Friendly — and most important, patient — artists and staff are always a plus. You can get all of that at the finest tat shop in town: Salvation Tattoo on Washington Avenue. With its sultry purple-neon interior, comfortable couches, and topnotch artists, you can ink your body in style. It's only a $50 deposit for your appointment (with tattoo prices varying based on the complexity of the design), so the time is right to finally get that "Mom" in a heart you've always dreamed about.

It's Saturday morning. Grab your boo. Jump in the whip. And go get a fade, a weave, a brand-new nail job, and matching two-for-one tattoos at Flea Market USA. Tucked behind a ten-foot-tall chainlink fence, flying a bunch of tattered American flags, and painted faded shades of red, white, and blue, this enormous Liberty City shopping spot and ersatz community center is the epitome of 21st-century American capitalism in action. It's filled with teen loiterers, bargain-starved customers, and hard-hustling small-business people manning bootleg-movie tables, dollar stores, Chinese junk joints, barbershops, beauty salons, tattoo booths, and grub stalls. There's even a bunch of (rarely operational) indoor carnival rides for the kiddies. So whether you just need to stay fresh for Saturday night or your shopping list includes a samurai sword with a flashlight for a handle, a few vials of royal ginseng jelly, Hot Latin Head on DVD, a neon Jesus clock, or a supposedly "platinum" pendant shaped like a set of testicles, this is the place. Welcome to the USA, where ballin' on a budget never stops.

Gentlemen, please listen up. When it comes to buying your favorite lady revealing bedroom attire, do yourself a favor and skip the hoochie stores you might find adjacent to I-95 or the Palmetto Expressway. Show her you appreciate her lovely figure with the most refined undergarments this side of Paris. Headquartered in downtown Miami, Oh là là Chéri adds a sophisticated French flair to its wide array of reasonably priced bras, panties, bustiers, and baby-doll nightgowns, made from the finest blends of lace and satin that will have your fair maiden enthusiastically modeling for your pleasure seven nights a week. And Oh là là Chéri understands that beauty runs from size small to extra-extra-large, so even pleasantly plump sweethearts can feel seductive. "Lingerie is meant to be very special," Oh là là Chéri owner Nicolas Attard says. "A woman wants to feel good and sexy when she puts it on. So I put a lot of passion into our undergarments." Items in Attard's line range from $3.50 to $89.99.

After operating for the past few years as a family-owned online store, Man of Action Figures decided to buck the e-commerce trend by opening a brick-and-mortar outpost in Cutler Bay. Even if you haven't played with an action figure since your mother sold your Boba Fett at a yard sale (dammit, Mom!), this place is bound to make the kid in you as excited as if he just chased an entire package of Sour Patch Kids with a liter of Mountain Dew. Fight the urge to call Mom to demand a set of X-Men mini-mates, a 25th anniversary G.I. Joe, and the entire collection of WWE Classic Superstars figures. You make your own money now, remember? So calmly put the phone back in your pocket and buy yourself that Boba Fett. You know you want it. You deserve it. Oh, and pick up something for your own kid while you're at it.

Truly old-school Miamians who loved playing with remote control model toys back in the day probably remember a spot in Allapattah they could always count on. Tucked inside an old bowling alley on NW 36th Street at Ninth Avenue, Orange Blossom Hobbies was packed with people buying the latest RC cars, trucks, planes, and boats. Michael Jones remembers it too. He worked the counter there on and off for 25 years, starting when he was 10 years old. Today, the remote control buff is hoping to re-create the familial ambiance he came to know and love until Orange Blossom closed in the mid-'00s. The Homestead native and his wife Shannon opened Hobby Pro in October 2011 on the second floor of a retail plaza facing the south runway of Kendall-Tamiami Executive Airport. The couple stocks a wide array of gas- and electric-powered model vehicles and parts. If it's not in stock, you can place an order via Hobby Pro's website. "We're slowly building our inventory," Shannon notes. The shop carries an abundance of Traxxas brand electric RC toys, including the company's popular monster truck replicas such as Grave Digger, with prices ranging from $200 to $500. You can also pick up models for under $150, and at least once a month Hobby Pro hosts its Sunday Funday, when enthusiasts can play in the parking lot.

Tucked behind an IHOP on Hallandale Beach Boulevard, Reggae Land Muzik isn't so much a record shop as it is a reggae museum. Meticulously organized crates of hard-to-find vinyl give way to stacks of epic dancehall mix CDs and carefully catalogued cassette tapes. Whether you're looking to venture beyond Bob Marley for the first time or you're an avid collector on the prowl for a Don Carlos release from back in the day, the affable and informed owner, who goes by "Juicy V" or "Jah V," will be more than happy to weigh in and help you find what you're looking for. "I love this space. I love vibing with my people," the Jamaican-born Juicy says. For more than 18 years, he has been slinging riddims both new and vintage, amassing more than 100,000 vinyls during that time. "What you see up front in the store, that's a teardrop of what I have in stock." Now he's in the tedious process of uploading his collection to the store's website. "In five years, I'll still be uploading 45s."

For all of your religious and otherworldly needs, Botanica Nena is the place to be. Open for more than 42 years, this devotional botanica is a one-stop shop for pretty much anything you might need for practicing the art of Yoruba. The employees are knowledgeable and friendly, and there's a vast inventory ranging from candles to religious artifacts to jewelry. Herbs? Check. Porcelain soup bowls to hold orishas (or spirits)? Check. Libros de IFA (a key Santero text)? Check. Soperas and other tools for the warriors? Check. Incense? Check. Hell, even Anthony Bourdain visited Botanica Nena during the taping of his South Florida stop on No Reservations.

Inside just about any gay bookstore, you'll find a little porn. OK, maybe more than a little porn. Maybe a decent selection of porn. Fine, a lot of porn. Tons and tons of porn. Lambda Passages has got your porn; in fact, half the store is dedicated to video rental. But y'know what else it's got? Cookbooks. In its used-books section, you can pick up a few recipes from somebody's mom's gently worn kitchen guide. You can browse a selection of novels too, some of which might count as porn of the literary variety, and others so tame you don't even need to take them home in a brown paper bag. And if you swing by Lambda in search of a gift for that very special someone, you won't have to hit up Hallmark afterward; there's also a selection of snarky, gay-friendly greeting cards. Even the porn selection at Lambda is shockingly refined; amid modern skin mags, you'll find vintage issues of Playgirl and Playboy. Turns out Lambda's moderately sketchy location, right between the Wonderland strip club and the Jamboree Lounge on Biscayne Boulevard, belies its refined interior. This is a place for gay people who love sex, sure. But it's also a place where you can appreciate other stuff too.

Never let it be said that Miami is not a trendsetter. Well before pop-up restaurants and pop-up bars exploded in popularity, Miami began hosting a pop-up of its own: the Friends of the Library Annual Book Sale, which has been springing up during the holiday shopping rush for the past 11 years. For most of the year, the downtown branch of the Miami-Dade Public Library System is just an average city hub for book lending and covert napping. But for five days of every year, usually in early December, it transforms into this city's best bookstore. Tens of thousands of books, CDs, and DVDs are available for purchase, making it one of the largest book sales in South Florida. The prices reflect some killer discounts, so you can justify fleshing out your home library as well as picking up a couple of titles to wrap up as holiday gifts. And your friends and family won't be the only ones who'll benefit — sales proceeds go toward funding the library's cultural and literary programs. So when you buy a book to read, you're also helping others do the same. It's hard to get that warm, fuzzy feeling from downloading an e-book to your Kindle.

We don't know about you, but we take our personal safety rather seriously. We wear a helmet when we Segway to work in the morning, swaddle our children in cheesecloth and bubble wrap — holes for eyes, nose, and mouth, of course — and are terrified by revolving doors. So when it comes to exploring the mysterious, gaping maw of the Atlantic Ocean, we refuse to let some slack-jawed scuba instructor hold our life in his Corona-swilling hands. We shell out for the best, and the best in this case is Grove Scuba. Co-owner Bill Lamp'l is the only person in Miami who can actually train you to become a dive instructor. He's also an underwater photography fiend. Grove Scuba is a bit pricier than some other dive shops around town, but it makes up for the expense with cheap underwater camera rentals and a mind-blowing 57 dive locations in Miami and Key Largo. They include dozens of wrecks, reefs, and a statue of Jesus. Open-water scuba certification costs $475, but dive novices can try a two-dive intro course for $195. If you decide to get certified, those dives count toward it.

It's hard to pin down this joint's business model, where everything is painted garishly and music — often gangsta rap — blasts loudly enough to be heard down the block. It's as if the unique and wonderful brain of its proprietor, Ron Cater, exploded in store form. He sells skateboards and parts, including ornate and hypercolored models from skate companies such as Zero, Black Label, and Dogtown. There are new and used bicycles, especially awesome-looking, tricked-out, neon-painted fixed-gears. Then, near the back of the store, there's his Halloween costume collection. He specializes in creepy stuff. And don't forget the glass cabinet full of intense knives and swords. Cater sells everything at a reasonable price and fixes bikes and skateboards for much less than your average repair spot. He's the best part of the business — a Jheri-curled, lean white dude who will bombard you with shit talk while he fixes your flat tire for $8. Maybe Cater's business model is simply revenge. He says he opened Team Iguana Sports to terrorize his enemy, who owns the more corporate bicycle shop across the street.

Surfers are pretty loyal to their gear shops. They also like to keep those places a secret from kooks like you. So if you're a noob to hitting the glassy breaks of Miami's beaches, you'll want to find a place that appeals to your inner Johnny Utah no matter your skill level. Island Water Sports has been a South Florida fixture since 1981, and it caters to all kinds of surfers — the vets, the amateurs, and even paddle boarders and wake boarders (sorry, goat boaters, you'll have to get your kayaking gear someplace else). They have a crapload of every kind of product you'll need, like surf boards made by Channel Island and Aloha, to name a couple. They carry wetsuits from O'Neill, Quicksilver, and Rip Curl, and stock a myriad of Gorilla Grip, X-Trak, and other accessories. Pretty much whatever you need, they sell. Best of all, they have a killer staff waiting to answer any and all questions about the beautiful art of surfing. Need a tip on when and where to catch the best waves in town? They'll tell you. Because unlike condescending, snobby surf shops around town that cater to only "their own kind," the dudes at Island Water Sports actually give a crap about their customers and will steer you in the right direction with their friendly, knowledgeable advice. Then you'll be ready to play hooky from your office job, and when the boss asks if you did anything productive, you can answer, "I caught my first tube today, sir."

Attention, Magic City men: It's time to stop wearing ill-fitting suits. Your crotch should not get lost in a sea of fabric, but it also shouldn't be so tight that we can tell if you're circumcised. No, gentlemen, it's time to slap down some cash for a suit that every man should have in his closet — a real man's answer to the little black dress. Yes, you'll have to spend some serious money if you want a properly fitted suit, but it will be worth it once the ladies see you in it. Duncan Quinn's Miami outpost, located on the ground floor of the Moore Building, started out as an Art Basel pop-up in 2009. However, when Basel left, Quinn stayed. Now the store is one of three in the States (the others are located in New York City and Los Angeles). Store employees reflect the Duncan Quinn style — edgy "GQ meets rock 'n' roll"-style suits and accessories. Shirts, jeans, ties, and cuff links are available, but the real treat are the bespoke suits. Items range from $100 for a T-shirt to $5,000 for a custom-made suit. But rest assured, everything here is either designed or handpicked by the store's namesake himself.

The northwest section of Miami-Dade County, bounded by the Palmetto Expressway, Florida's Turnpike, and Interstate 75, is an urban cyclist's paradise. From Palm Springs North to Doral, you can cover 20-plus miles of rugged terrain that takes you through a suburban utopia, a concrete jungle of industrial warehouses, and patches of sensitive wetlands overflowing with melaleuca and palm trees. The die-hard riders who tackle these roads rely on the services of GM Bikes to keep their spokes well lubed and in tip-top condition. You can trust head bike mechanic Yulien Rodriguez and his crew to provide topnotch service, whether it's fixing a simple flat tire or a complete overhaul of your two-wheeler. The prices are reasonable. A new tire runs less than $30, and a tune-up is $45. Shop owner Isabel Rodriguez makes sure GM is always stocked with top-of-the line cruisers and road and mountain bikes from Giant, Fuji, Jamis, Intense MTB, and Felt, to name a few. Prices for a new cycle range from $200 to $5,000. The staff takes the time to make sure customers find a bicycle that fits their needs. And once you've purchased a new bike or fixed up your old one, join the GM folks for their weekly Saturday-morning runs to Dolphin Mall, one of the more adventurous tours in Miami-Dade.

We have a rule when choosing where to shop: If we can buy a product from an Eastern European man named Walter, that's where we go. We buy our loaves of bread from a Slovenian baker named Walter. Our pirated channels come from a Ukrainian cable guy named Walter. See the tile in our kitchen? The guy who laid it goes by Wally. We think he's from Poland. Anyway, when it came time to buy a scooter — the need hits you upon acceptance that you're never getting that promotion to Chicago so you might as well wear only shorts, learn what the hell jai-alai is, and commute on a little two-wheeled apparatus powered by a blender motor — we snubbed the purveyors of brand-new Vespas. We want a cheap and enjoyable way to flit around town, not a second mortgage. So we found Astro Scooters, where the brusque, grizzled Walter Presic showed us a neat lineup of mopeds. Their prices range from $400 to $600 — a big money saver considering they get more than 100 miles to the gallon. If your moped breaks, Walter shows up at your door with a toolbox. Oh, by the way: Unrelated to his scooter business, Walter rents tools, which is the most old-school business since, like, renting leaches. Like we said: Eastern European dudes named Walter. They'll never fail ya.

Got a quinceañera coming up? Junior's senior prom is just around the corner? Or perhaps you're forming a posse to celebrate your last night in single's land? Best let Ocean Drive Limo get you to the banquet hall or strip club in one piece while you get your crunk on. Since 1995, company CEO Richard Bennetti has been piloting limousines for every type of baller. Whether you prefer a sleek Mercedes-Benz S550 or a 24-person party mobile, Ocean Drive Limo is the place for chauffeured rides around the Magic City. The company's celebrity clientele includes Kim Kardashian and the cast of The Real Housewives of Miami, and it's the exclusive limo service of Barton G. Prices start at $90 an hour for a minimum three-hour rental for a basic limo. But we advise splurging on the Ford F-650. We're talking about a 300-horsepower steel mammoth that is a roving version of LIV nightclub. It boasts a stargazer ceiling, two laser lights, and aircraft light tubes to go along with a fully stocked bar. When you roll up in this beast, everyone will know you're a bigger Bawse than Rick Ross.

Stressful credit checks, pushy salesmen — buying a car ain't fun. Unless you're flush enough to make your purchases at the Collection, that is. Located in a gorgeous Spanish Revival building on the corner of Ponce de Leon Boulevard and Bird Road, this Merrick Park institution has been supplying South Florida's exotic-car market with some much-needed class for 30 years. You can find everything short of a Lamborghini or Bugatti here — Ferraris, Maseratis, Aston Martins, Porsches, Jaguars. The Collection's brand-new McLaren showroom — South Florida's first, and one of only ten in North America — even has a Formula One vehicle on display, should you be in the market for a spur-of-the-moment racecar purchase. And with a Ferrari boutique that sells watches, shoes, and T-shirts branded with the Italian carmaker's trademark horse, the Collection is open to daydreamers too. Unlike most dealerships that cater to a wealthy clientele, the Collection has salesmen who won't treat you like a chump if you tell them you're just looking.

Tired of the two-hour ride on the Metrobus from your house in Hialeah Gardens to your job in downtown Miami? Well, if you have a credit score that terrifies financing companies, consider visiting the used car sales staff at Latin Motors in Allapattah. You won't have to worry about any Don Ready clones who live by the credo "Live Hard, Sell Hard" here. The salespeople are easygoing folks who are sympathetic to the situation of people down on their luck and trying to get some decent wheels in order to survive in auto-dependent Miami-Dade. With a couple of pay stubs and a utility bill, you will get approved. Latin Motors even promises to refinance your deal in six months if you hold up your end of the bargain by paying your monthly installments on time. The year-old dealership carries a varied inventory, from simple sedans such as Honda Civics and Volkswagen Jettas to pricier models like BMW roadsters and Hummers.

From bustling Biscayne Boulevard, it looks like a regular gas station and car wash. But saunter inside and — boom — this Chevron station slaps you in the face with sleek, immaculate luxury. Flat-screen TV sets everywhere. Fresh pastries behind glass. A gaudy espresso machine, complete with real ceramic miniature cups. A lounge with comfortable seating and armchairs covered in the type of upholstery that still resembles the spotted cow it came from. (Don't know why that's classy, but it is.) Free wireless Internet. Friendly employees. And the gas prices hover near the county average. Forget filling your jalopy or getting it washed. You might start frequenting this gas station just to get some work done and hang out.

Don't you hate those shady mechanics who don't give a crap about you, let alone your '97 Honda Accord? How about the grease monkeys who sell you things you don't need, like seat-belt insurance and door-handle user guides? Well, at J & M Auto Doctors, they care for not only your car but also your safety. The best antidote to that cynical mechanic hatred bubbling up in your stomach is honest, reliable, and speedy service — from minor repairs like a flat-tire fix, to the extremes of a blown-out engine. J & M has been in business for more than 13 years and will be around to work on your kid's car too. Another perk: If you have to leave your ride there, there's a rental car agency a half-block away.

Whether you drive a '94 Saturn with a sagging roof or a luxury Italian speedster with leather detailing, at Executive Car Care, every vehicle is treated like a Ferrari. The shop is nothing more than a tent in the middle of a parking lot next to a Burger King, but don't judge a book by its cover. There are several wash options, but even the cheapest — just $18 — buys you a loyal team of workers who scrub every inch of your jalopy by hand, inside and out. For vans and SUVs, Executive charges $20 and $25. For 45 bucks, you can get the works: a wash and wax, a generous coat of Armor All inside and out, a good scrub for your plastic floor mats, an interior vacuuming, and air freshener. Executive's employees might not speak the best English, but they are beyond fluent in the language of making your car kick ass.

Living on South Beach means fearing the fickle wrath of the flash-flood gods. Take a walk around the neighborhood after a heavy rain and you'll find half a dozen people furiously bailing out their cars and cursing at the heavens. Assuming your vehicle starts, the best bet to salvage your ride is to take it across the causeway to Just Right Car Wash in Wynwood. For $25, Just Right employees will drain your vehicle of the foul-smelling liquid sloshing around your feet. For $65, they'll vacuum your car's crusty crevasses and shampoo it from glove-box to trunk, leaving you with the fleeting, false impression that you have a new whip and not a 2005 Honda Civic with more miles on it than Joan Rivers. Speaking of ladies, Just Right offers them a discount every Tuesday. Check out the company's website for other special offers. And in case your car isn't the only thing that needs work, Just Right is located next door to a barbershop where you can get some pimping too.

Owning a dog or cat is a joy. That little bundle of fur just oozes unconditional love and devotion. But it's not all fun and games. Pets, unlike that carnival monkey you won by spraying water into a clown's mouth, need shots and medication. And, like humans, they get sick. So what do you do when Fido is filled with fleas or Tiger is yakking all over because she ate a bad lizard? You take your little friend to the Coconut Grove Animal Hospital. It's been around since 1965. One look at the wood paneling reveals that nothing has really changed since then — including the old-fashioned care you would have expected 40-some years ago. Dr. Michael Marmesh Jr. and his daughter Dr. Kate Marmesh attend to your darling with the gentleness of a small-town vet who stepped out of the pages of the Saturday Evening Post. The clinic is open six days a week and you don't need an appointment (except for surgery, dental work, and boarding), which means that if you forgot to renew Minky's rabies tag the day before your big vacation, you can just waltz her right in and be seen. Don't you wish your shrink had the same open-door policy?

Shopping on Lincoln Road brings a mismatch of national retailers and cheesy tourist traps. That's why Alchemist easily stands out. With two locations on either end of the pedestrian mall, Alchemist doesn't need to advertise with double-D-size mannequins. Instead, it takes a minimalist approach — think Paris or New York — with its layout and décor, which, while stunning, isn't noisy and doesn't overwhelm the selection of both men's and women's clothing, accessories, and shoes. Our favorite location is the carefully curated store at 1111, inside the flashy designer parking garage, that affords a view of Miami Beach and beyond from its fifth-floor perch. Labels and designers such as Rick Owens, Dries Van Noten, Lydia Courteille, Alaïa, and Givenchy can be found here. That also means you better have disposable income or a credit card with a high spending limit if you plan on taking anything home — prices range from $225 for a top to $45,000 for jewelry. However, the salespeople are friendly and helpful to everyone who stops by, meaning you won't get shooed away if you don't look the part. There's a bonus attraction too: If you are shopping at the 1111 location, look up. Those mirrors above you do more than give off a reflection. Installed by rAndom International, the 44 mirrors are part of a kinetic installation that moves as shoppers walk around the store, making a visit to Alchemist a true interactive experience.

Talk about full-service! Where else can you go in Miami for a cut, blow-dry, and pedicure before shopping for an entirely new wardrobe? Oh, and while you're at it, pick up food for the week, some treats to nosh on, plus something for that annoying butt itch! Did we mention those things are all for your dog? In all seriousness, pampered pets dress better than their human counterparts. Take a walk down Lincoln Road any Saturday afternoon and you'll find Chihuahuas in tiny Juicy tracksuits, spaniels in Ed Hardy shirts, and poodles in Pucci. See that Yorkie in the tiny Heat jersey? His mom bought that at Dog Bar. How about the bulldog in the "Bitches Love Me" tank? Yep, Dog Bar. This place has a fashion for every clotheshound — from the Dalmation that's a dominatrix (in a leather studded collar) to the terrier for Trayvon (in a dog hoodie). Add in designer bedding, nutritious foods, a grooming salon, and a holistic remedy selection where everything from flea bites to separation anxiety is addressed, and you have yourself the Bal Harbor of bitches.

We let our dog write this one: Hi! My name is Rocco! You don't have any chicken, do you? I like chicken! I like my family! Sometimes they leave me. Why do they leave me? Do they not love Rocco? Was I bad? Did they find that turd behind the couch? I thought that was the perfect crime! But it's OK that they're leaving me! Because I like the place I go when they leave! There are no cages! There are lots of buddies and room to play! There's a bunch of stupid cats in another room! The people are nice to me! It's called — I don't know what it's called. I don't know where it is. I just get there by getting in the car! I don't know how much it costs! I don't even know what costs means! I forgot — did you say if you have any chicken? I like chicken! (Ahem: It costs $37 to $44 nightly.)

Guns! Guns! Guns for everyone! Guns for the whole family! How about a Taurus .40 for you, sir? A song at $449.99. And what about a sweet piece for your sweet piece? She'll be the envy of her friends at Junior League when she's packing a hot-pink Taurus .380, hers for only $349.99. We have the ammo too, but maybe first you might want to get her one of these nice engagement rings like she's been asking for. Treating yourself? We have a wide variety of AR-15 semiautomatic rifles — starting at $499 to keep in your weekend bag and up to $1,299 for this honey of a conversation starter. Guns aren't your speed, you say? Not even antique pistols? What about swords? No? What about this fotocopiadora here for $375? It used to belong to a little old lady right here in Allapattah who used it only a few times to copy her ass cheeks. Fine, then how about a rocking horse for five bucks? A Ms. Pac-Man arcade game in near-mint condition for $999? You'll stay up all night playing it, but that's no problem because we have several dozen coffeemakers for only $9.99 each. What's that, sir? Good eye. You've spotted the small sign behind my bulletproof glass here. Yes, "We Have XXX Movies." Things are bad for masturbators in this economy, but their loss is your gain. Name your price, but don't go so low that you turn something beautiful into something cheap. ATVs for $925 apiece? Guitar Hero III for ten smackers? Most of our adding machines are $14 to $16, but you can have this one for six bucks — as is, of course.

The Stars and Stripes flaps triumphantly near the entry to a rectangular fortified warehouse near midtown Miami. A sign over the metal front door announces, "Guns for the Good Guys." A year since opening his 4,000-square-foot armory, gun shop owner Dave Johnson has quickly become the go-to guy for folks preparing for the improbable zombie apocalypse or the very real threat of a ghoulish hurricane. Three long glass cabinets are stocked with a stunning inventory of pistols, from Berettas to Glocks to Smith & Wessons to Walthers. Prices for new guns range from $200 to $1,200. "We have more [assault] rifles than any gun store in Florida," Johnson boasts. "We also do a lot of consignment sales, as well as buying and trading used guns." It'll take more than just bullets to survive the walking dead, so Johnson offers end-of-days survivalists all the equipment they can use to stay alive when the electricity goes out. For instance, you can buy a hearty supply of freeze-dried gourmet food with a shelf life of 25 years. Dishes include savory stroganoff, pasta alfredo, cheesy lasagna, and teriyaki chicken and rice. In the event you need to pull off a quick escape from a horde of brain eaters, Johnson's Firearms sells $325 bug-out bags, which contain all the things you would need to survive on the run for 72 hours, such as a small ax to chop tree limbs for a fire, a first-aid kit, a hunting knife, a map of the continental United States, and trail mix. Of course, it helps to know how to defend yourself against different types of threats should all hell break loose. Johnson offers a specialized $90 course led by NRA-certified instructors who teach you how to shoot a gun, properly handle a shotgun or rifle, and defend your family in a home invasion scenario. Johnson also takes great care in helping first-time gun buyers choose the right firearm. "We take the time to sit with our customers to find out why they want a gun, whether it is for home defense or for carrying it concealed," he says. "A new gun user doesn't understand the difference between a concealed .380 and a large-frame .45 for competitive shooting."

Vintage Liquors has a multiple personality complex. Is it the hipster liquor store with staff that can tell you the difference between the $20 bourbon and the $200 Pappy Van Winkle? Is it the cute wine bar that you might find in some back alley in Paris? Or is it an old-school no-nonsense place to grab a bottle of tequila for the condo party you're going to? Frankly, it's yes to all of those questions. And why shouldn't it be? This little store is filled with surprises. Like a kid in an adult-candy store, you'll want to try every flavor of the potent potables sold here. But what to buy? Monthly tastings and events such as Vodkapalooza and a tequila run allow you to try before dropping cash on a new kind of booze. The wine bar, complete with Enomatic pouring robots, turns a trip to the liquor store into an evening out.

Sunrise in Miami Beach. The clubbers are back in their hotel rooms, and the international papers have just been delivered to News Café. Two tables away: She's not wearing any makeup but for a gentle dab of red lipstick, most of which has been kissed onto her cigarette. Her eyes are inscrutable behind sunglasses. Then she opens her $5.20 copy of Le Figaro and you know to say something mildly xenophobic, perhaps about Arabs, and within moments you're making love on the sand across Ocean Drive. Or she's reading La Gazzetta Dello Sport ($5) and you lower your demitasse long enough to say that Inter has been merda since Mourinho left, and then it's back-of-the-net back in her suite. Or she's reading the Daily Racing Form ($7) and, even though the sun isn't fully up yet, you buy her something cheap and strong and next thing you know, you're seeing just how sturdy the locks are in the café's tastefully decorated bathrooms. News Café has pared back its selection in recent years but still offers six international papers Monday through Saturday, plus the Guardian Weekly ($4.50), dozens of foreign magazines, and all the New York newspapers (except Newsday, which beautiful strangers do not read). It's one of the last places in Miami Beach to get a newsy dose of the real world 24 hours a day.

Want to find the real Miami? Stop in Vilar Cigar Shop on a Friday or Saturday night, buy yourself a Maximus Double Corona — you might spend $17.50 on the stogy, but honestly, the extravagance is kind of the point — and walk upstairs to the lounge with supple leather armchairs. The place will be crowded with successful men of all ilk — doctors, lawyers, entrepreneurs — shrouded in fragrant tobacco clouds and animatedly arguing in English, Spanish, and glorious Spanglish. The owner is Henry Vilar, who is also a baseball agent specializing in representing players from Cuba and the rest of Latin America. Shoot the shit, drink beer or rum, slam dominoes, and puff away. This isn't the kind of scene you can find in Minnesota.

Hey there, fella. It's time to let that special lady in your life know that your love is meant to be. But where to buy the rock to show how much she rocks? For more than a quarter-century, Elena and Arie Paz, owners of Richard's Gems & Jewelry, have helped thousands of grooms design eye-popping, ice-encrusted I-will-never-leave-or-hurt-you bands for their brides-to-be. Customers can watch the on-site master jeweler mold the ring and set the stones in it from start to finish. Or you can pick a big diamond rock that can be put on more than a hundred styles of mounting rings decorated with smaller round-cut diamonds that range in price from $875 to $4,500. If you're the kind of guy who wants to show your fine lady she is worthy of wearing a crown, splurge on the $6,700 blue-sapphire and diamond ring — inspired by the one Prince William gave to Kate Middleton. For the stoic man celebrating 60 years of marital bliss, Richard's stocks a blinding array of diamond bracelets, earrings, and necklaces that will remind her why she's the inspiration in your life. We recommend the 3.46-carat diamond pendant shaped like shooting stars set in white gold (only $4,489!) or the absolutely exquisite 2.80-carat pavé-diamond circle pendant that goes for $5,512. Located in the Seybold Building in downtown Miami, Richard's is open from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Saturday.

When we go to the barbershop, we don't want our head shampooed. We don't need women in top hats and corsets attending to us. And we don't want to pay more than $20. Sadly, that disqualifies most of the cabello chop shops in town. Thankfully, there is now the Amici Barber Shop in Miami Beach. In exchange for a single, dirty green portrait of Andrew Jackson, a barber here will cut your hair quickly but carefully. Seniors and kids get their strands snipped for $15. Amici's barbers will even rub your scalp vigorously with a brush for no extra charge. We know because we tried it. At first the sensation was a bit strange, but after a while, we fell into a Zen-like trance from which we have yet to emerge. We may not have gone to work or answered the phone in a week, but we are looking — and feeling — pretty damn good. Amici's interior, meanwhile, is a pleasant but efficient white-tiled space with the obligatory TV set or two. An English-speaker is usually on hand in case you need to translate some detailed instructions, such as whether you want your neckline tailored, boxed, or cut into a swallow tail. Best of all, Amici is open seven days a week, so there are no more excuses for showing up at work Monday looking like Tom Hanks in Cast Away.

If you survive all 9,000 kettlebell swings, hand-stand pushups, dead lifts, pullups, wall balls, box jumps, and overhead squats, CrossFit 305 promises to make you so tough you could tie an alligator in a knot with your glutes. If you've never tried CrossFit because you're afraid of red-faced and spitting militant trainers, stop watching trashy TV — this ain't Scared Straight. The trainers here have better things to do than to bark orders — namely to explain the WOD (CrossFit-speak for "workout of the day"), to encourage members, and to correct improper form. The thinking behind CrossFit is that if you never do the same workout twice, you'll constantly confuse your muscles and you'll end up in the all-around best shape and at the highest functional fitness level of your life. Peter, Sean, and Alex are among the certified CrossFit trainers who will assist you at any one of the seven classes offered weekdays at the gym. A more limited schedule is available on the weekends, including a yoga class on Sunday. When you notice that all of those air squats have manifested themselves as a solid, high-riding, and sexy culo, you'll understand why CrossFit is Miami's gym du jour.

Walking into Unknwn is like strolling into the pages of some mind-blowingly hip fashion magazine like Nylon Guys. With a mix of establishment-approved, up-and-coming fashion labels (Band of Outsiders, 3.1 Phillip Lim, A.P.C.) and street-wear brands (Warriors of Radness, Crooks & Castles, Stussy), the Aventura Mall outpost is a must-visit for any guy. This is designer wear at designer prices, but they aren't into the stratosphere (check out some sleek A.P.C. jeans for $158 or a 10 Deep varsity jacket for $154). There's stuff for the ladies too, but Unknwn stocks the kind of menswear that until now has been suspiciously hard to find in Miami. And oh yeah, it's owned by some guy you might have heard of: LeBron James. He's six-foot-eight, plays basketball, is kind of a big deal. The Heat forward teamed with a group of friends, including longtime pal Frankie Walker, to open the boutique, but the inventory is the real star here. Even if the owners were unknown, we'd still stop here to stock up our closet.

Sure, Bal Harbour Plastic Surgery owner Dr. Michael A. Salzhauer (AKA Dr. Schnoz) is probably most notorious for his supercontroversial, allegedly anti-Semitic "Jewcan Sam" music video contest, a 2012 rhinoplasty promo prank that seriously pissed off the uptight, humorless dorks at the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. But he's been fixing effed-up faces, problematic proboscises, droopy chins, saggy boobs, flabby bodies, and flat asses for the past decade and a half. So ultimately, the Schnoz is a true pro. With a medical degree from the Washington University School of Medicine (not to mention a ton of practical experience at Miami Beach's Mount Sinai, the University of Miami Medical Center, and the Cleveland Clinic Foundation), this self-anointed "Nose King of Miami" is a board-certified plastic surgeon who also happens to be an avid Twitter user (@DoctorMichael), iSurgeon app developer, author of a children's book about "Mommy makeovers," outspoken advocate for enhancing animal self-esteem by means of "Pet Plasty," and total marketing genius. Every year, Doc Salzhauer rescues 600-plus patients from Mother Nature's mistakes with his near-magical plastic surgery skills, performing all kinds of complex cosmetic procedures, including nose jobs, breast augmentations, liposuction, tummy tucks, face-lifts, Botox, and fillers. Whether you're a socialite, celeb, or mommy looking for a complete body makeover, call 305-NEW-NOSE. 'Cause nobody's perfect.

Your boss has been on your ass again all week about those TPS Reports. You did not get the memo. Your cubicle mate keeps doing that thing where she hums that Katy Perry song for hours at a time. The office smells like reheated Hot Pockets. Unless you can take the copy machine out back and go gangster on it with a baseball bat, there's only one option left to save your sanity: Get a massage already! More specifically, head to Massage Isles & Wellness Center in Sunny Isles Beach, where a classic 60-minute massage runs just $99 (plus tip, of course). Massage Isles has a boatload of specialty massages too, from a couple's session ($195 to share a room during the rubdown) to a sports massage aimed at athletes ($99) to a pregnancy massage for those who've been lugging around an extra human being in their belly for months ($99).

Fact: The events industry is a scam. No matter what item you're shopping for, sellers will immediately double the price when they learn you're buying it for your wedding, your daughter's bat mitzvah, or your 50th anniversary party. Anything sentimental, really. And in a city like Miami, where appearances count for a lot, florists can be among the worst offenders. That's why it's so refreshing to visit Hirni's. This isn't some fancy, over-the-top floral shop on wedding-crazed Miracle Mile. It's a quaint cabin on the southern edge of the city staffed by a flurry of friendly, flower-happy ladies who know their stuff. Walk into the showroom any time of year and you'll have your pick of premade arrangements in all sizes and colors, celebrating whatever special occasion is just around the corner. On the covered patio, you'll find freshly growing potted plants for sale. And if you'd like something a little more personal, it's easy to sit down with a designer and explain what you're looking for; the open layout of the country-style studio means you can watch as designers assemble your piece. But flowers for events is where Hirni's really shines. The store owner, Janice Tate, personally handles orders for large events. She is a no-nonsense, down-to-earth lady with an encyclopedic knowledge of the plants she sells. She knows to ask the important questions, like whether anyone in the wedding party might be allergic to the exotic flowers you've requested for your bouquet. She can offer advice drawn from years of experience, such as which flowers are likely to wilt in the sun during your niece's quinceañera. And she respects your bottom line — a refreshing oddity in the business. Tate knows that when your event looks good, her business looks good too, so she'll do everything within her power — and because she owns the place, that's a lot — to make it perfect.

Are you ready for a craniosacral massage? It's not some twisted fetish thing involving skulls and male private parts. It's a spa treatment at Exhale Miami that gently removes accumulated stress from the central nervous system and facilitates meditation. If you're looking for a treatment that works on the surface, try the Glow Body Scrub, which uses dry brushing, a citrus sugar scrub, and white tea lotion to make your skin feel like it's 1992. If a little poke is what you need to relax, try Exhale's many acupuncture and fusion therapies. (What did you think we meant?) There's also reiki and cupping for alternative-healing junkies. Want to take a more active role in your relaxation? Exhale is universally praised for its incredible yoga instructors, who offer group and private sessions that leave devoted students blissed out and begging for more. Especially popular are the Core Fusion and Exhale Slow Flow classes, led by Jodi Carey, a former Broadway dancer who's been teaching yoga for more than a decade. Then suck some Zen right through your pores with a Cool Beam facial, which uses antibacterial light to spark a collagen growth spurt. What truly makes this full-service spa exceptional is its professional and friendly staff members, who keep customers coming back whether they're full-time residents or twice-yearly passers-through.

Suffering from the ever-present Miami shine of sunblock and sweat? Fear not! At Skin Institute, not only do you walk away with the cleanest face in the 305, but also you're treated like royalty while trained technicians scrub the grime from your pores. Between the complimentary juices made in-house and the bag of freebies you leave with, the facial is just the icing on the cake. Depending upon how disgusting your skin has gotten, you can opt for an "Acne Maintenance Facial," which is $70 for 80 minutes, or a scouring "Deep Pore Cleansing Facial," which runs 60 minutes for $60. Feeling the need for more of a pampering session? Enjoy the $90 "Champage and Caviar Facial" for 70 minutes of heaven. And if caviar isn't good enough for your face, spring for the $300 "24 Karat Gold Facial," during which you are slathered and caressed for 140 luxurious minutes.

Helmed by Dr. Marcy Alvarez — a young, supercool, and hysterically funny dermatologist and University of Miami grad — Lincoln Road Dermatology is a new boutique-style medical office specializing in all things zit, mole, mark, and, above all, hair removal. Go in for a consultation regarding your furry back, fuzzy feet, overgrown armpits, and tragic bikini line and Dr. A will tell you what it takes to get you looking like a newborn in no time. Her secret: the Lightsheer Duet, which is virtually painless, faster, and more effective than most lasers. And it has a larger spot size, so it covers more surface area with each touch. It's suitable for most skin types, and results are seen after only one treatment. Typically, you'll find your trouble spots virtually hair-free after only four to five visits, and the total cost is less than you might think. Woohoo! All you gotta do is strip down to expose the fur, put on some sunglasses, lie back, and deal with the weird feeling of having a machine gently suck at your (sometimes naughty) bits. If you're embarrassed at the thought of having the doc zap parts of your body you have never seen, just giggle uncomfortably and she'll ease the experience with some lighthearted conversation. Or you two can debate the merits of why some guys dig bush and others prefer their lovers' private parts to be as slick as a Barbie doll's.

Going to the hair salon can be pretty damn stressful. You're basically trusting some relative stranger (unless, of course, your stylist is your actual relative) with your precious tresses. And let's face it — even air traffic controllers screw up once in a while. We can't think of a more appropriate time to be a little buzzed than when someone is working with scissors or a 450-degree flatiron near your face. Problem is, most salons don't serve booze. Which is why we love Rik Rak. Not only does it serve beer and wine, but there's also a full espresso bar. Skipping off to the salon on your lunch break? Order a salad or sandwich from Rik Rak and eat it in the styling chair or take it back to the office after you've been properly coiffed. And if it's one-stop shopping you're after, check out the shoe selection here. Because after spending an hour getting a winter's worth of dead skin scraped from your heels, you'll need a new pair of peep-toe pumps. In a city of convenience, Rik Rak is the only place we know where you can booze it up and actually look better than you looked before you started drinking.

A man can tell a lot about a woman by her hair. Is she the type of gal who hits the ground running out of bed and off to work, or the kind to wake up two hours early just to make sure every strand is in place? Whatever your preference, every type of lady loves Salon Vaso. Sure, it's a little pricey (haircuts run from $40 to $90, with color treatments costing up to $320), but we're talking about hair here. It's easily the most recognizable thing about a person, so why shouldn't you treat it well? Salon Vaso is the spot to spoil your locks. It offers more than just cuts: Check out the keratin treatments for $200. The customer service is supreme, and with the salon's chic décor, you'll feel like a million bucks.

Whether you're beating your hands to a pulp hauling fish out of the Atlantic Ocean or banging those cuticles on a keyboard all day, sometimes nothing feels better than getting your nails done up properly. At Brickell Nail Spot, 35 bucks buys a perfect French pedicure: no missed corners, no jagged filings, no uneven tips. Don't you hate it when the manicurist makes your cuticles bleed? It's the worst. You don't get that here. Just beautiful nails at a reasonable price (a regular manicure will set you back $15, with pedicures for $30). The shop is clean and relaxing, it's open Sundays, and you don't need an appointment. And the really attractive owner makes for great scenery while you're getting your digits done.

Why would a Miamian ever need a tanning salon? Beats us. But for people who don't want to take advantage of the free sun, Tan V is the next best thing. The attentive staff and clean facilities make a visit pleasant enough that you won't miss the sand in your butt crack and loud stereos in your vicinity. And with two locations in Miami Beach and Coral Gables, you're never really that far from a quick spray or tanning bed session. The real advantage here comes from getting a membership, which starts at $19.88 a month and allows you to use an array of tanning beds, from standups to traditional beds. But if you want to spare your skin future visits to the dermatologist, do the VersaSpa spray tan, which starts at $39 for three sessions. Just avoid going full-Snookie orange.

Walk into this joint and you probably won't feel like you just entered a sex shop. As long as you ignore all the dildos, lube, and floggers, that is, and focus on the clean, well-lit ambiance and the polite, cheery clerks. But who wants to do that? Dixie Adult Book and Video is like the Gap of porn shops. Apart from the extensive collection of sex toys and other pleasure enhancers, Dixie offers a wide and varied collection of skin flicks. Wherever — and we do mean wherever — your sexual tastes lie, you will find your fetish on DVD at this den of deviancy in the Dirty South. But why take the movie home when you can watch it right there? Dixie has a megaplex, fools. You read right: a megaplex. There are not only private viewing booths ($5 for 30 minutes) but also full theaters, which means you can sit in a darkened room with a bunch of other hornballs and watch pornos all day. Yes, all day. For ten bucks, you can relax in the theater for as long as you want (or can), and for $12, re-entry is allowed — which means you can leave to eat lunch or buy a pack of Juicy Fruit and go right back to your porn. Talk about getting more bang for your buck.

In business since 1979, Shoe Gallery is a true Miami classic, but it's not the kind of store that rests on its laurels. The inventory here is always forward-thinking, and the store's reputation means they often carry super-limited-edition kicks that you can't find anywhere else in the state — and sometimes the world. Looking for the latest special-edition LeBrons? Got 'em. Want high-fashion collaborations like Missoni for Converse or Jeremy Scott for Adidas? Got 'em. On the hunt for $50 kick-arounds? Got those too. There's a reason Shoe Gallery is the first stop in the 305 for sneaker freaks (even of the celebrity variety). It's because there are few places in the world that keep their sneaker game so on point.

We 20-somethings are really busy sticking it to The Man. We don't need no offices or 9-to-5 slave gigs. We're just fine selling our handmade wares on Etsy and blogging our way to the top. But slouching in front of a computer in bed all day is no way to live. Starbucks is famous for its Wi-Fi, but it's too played-out, crowded, and corporate. So where does a web entrepreneur go to get some work done while maintaining authenticity? There are plenty of cute coffee shops, bars, and sandwicheries around the city to get your blog on, but why pick one when you can have all three? Lester's is the perfect place to post up on your laptop with some premium coffee, craft beer, or wine. Plus the place boasts a solid menu of wraps, sandwiches, and snacks to hold you over while you toil. The prices are reasonable — a shot of espresso is $1.75, and a delicious cappuccino is $4. If you're in a boozin' mood, there's also local beer such as Monk in the Trunk and Jai Alai for $6. Need a distraction? There's foosball, darts, and an array of awesome niche magazines to flip through. The atmosphere is laid-back with a fun sense of humor. (One wall is dedicated to awesome mustache pictures. If you bring in that hysterical photo of your dad from the '70s, the friendly staff would be happy to add it.) When you're finally done staring at Facebook — um, working — you can walk across the street to Wynwood Walls and enjoy works from some of the best street artists in the world. Now that's what this generation is talking about.

The Duncanson family grows and then hand-cuts its own nongenetically modified, 100 percent organic-certified wheatgrass, sunflower greens, pea shoots, mung beans, chickpeas, legumes, barley grass, microgreens, and much more — all using an organic soil mix and desalinated sea water. They have been farming wheatgrass in Miami since 1989, and you can find their products at just about any spot in town that cares about real organic food (including Whole Foods and Athens Juice Bar in Miami Beach and the Juicery in Brickell Key). Even better, visitors are more than welcome at the immaculately clean indoor garden where the Duncansons grow their high-grade grasses. They'll probably offer you a free shot of wheatgrass to try, and then you can buy a pound for $14, juice it yourself, and become one with the Green Revolution.

Wanna scare the rabbit shit out of your leporiphobic nieces and nephews by dressing up like a six-foot-tall talking bunny named Sam who chuckles incessantly, screams for fun, and eats little kids instead of carrots? Go see the dress-up experts at Dixon Costumes, an enormous emporium of outlandish ensembles that's been in the business of renting full-body fur suits ($125) and vintage papier-mâché rodent heads ($60) to plush fetishists, Easter celebrants, and creepy uncles since 1926. Maybe, though, your sibling's children think bunnies are adorable and cuddly. In which case they might suffer from crippling coulrophobia, living in fear of pasty-faced psycho clowns named Checkers who smoke secondhand stogies, cough blood, and kill indiscriminately with a comically oversize pair of scissors. Well, Dixon still has you covered. Just pick up a red wig ($7.50), a pair of comically oversize plastic shoes ($16), a grotesquely bulbous nose ($1.50), some pancake makeup ($5), semirealistic gore ($1.50), a so-called Big Shot Cigar ($1.50), and a bag of faux murder tools. Now all you gotta do is get dressed, perfect your homicidal giggle, hide under the kiddies' bed, and wait.