Shopping & Services

The new redhead in town walks into an auto shop for an oil change and expects to be told her buggy needs about $500 in services to be safe. Not here. Gabe and his friendly, honest staff care about their customers -- they want to keep your business and attract your friends. He's been here "since my hair was still black" and is never short on smiles. The wall in the office is covered with certificates, awards, and yellowed newspaper clippings -- an archive of almost 30 years in a dirty (in terms of oil, that is) business displayed in dollar-store frames. The service is efficient: "You need to pick it up at 4:00? It will be ready." (And it is.) The location is conveniently located within skipping distance of kudzu-spreading condos in the booming Wynwood and Edgewater areas. All mechanics are ASE-certified, of course, and se habla español. Shop hours are Monday through Friday 8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., Saturday 8:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m.

José Luis Burgos is a barber at the Razor’s Edge in Miami Shores, where he has worked for eight years.

What is your greatest triumph?

1993 I left Cuba in a small boat, but soon the motor quit. So I started rowing. I rowed for hours -- through the night. I lost all my food and didn't have much water at all, but I kept rowing. Finally, after seven days, when my water was just about gone, I spotted a small island in the Bahamas. Soon I was spotted by an airplane, then picked up by the Coast Guard. That was the most dramatic thing ever to happen in my life

Last year we gave this little-indie-store-that-could the title of Best New Record Store. A year later, Sweat has won the hearts of all who deem themselves hip in Miami and has undergone some serious growing pains. The original location took a major beating from Hurricane Wilma, and the store was eventually relocated to a small warehouse at the back of English bar/longstanding live rock and roll venue, Churchill's. Could there be a better place for a record store? We don't think so. Fans can feast on Churchill's delectable pub-style grub and then wander into the tranquil aqua atmosphere of Sweat to rummage through racks of vinyl, CDs, and DVDs, as well as quirky toys, magazines, and locally made jewelry. Preloved records go for anything from one to five bucks, and for many of the new CDs, all you'll need is a Hamilton. Sweat opens late -- usually around 2:00 p.m. Monday to Saturday, but it closes at midnight. So after that killer local band plays its set on Churchill's stage, fans can creep back to the store to cop an EP. The store has its own book club that meets regularly to discuss edgy, well-written literary works. Plans to start craft and movie nights are in the works. A laid-back afternoon at the independent bastion finds a hipster clad in black, picking up albums by the likes of the Beta Band, Joy Division, Outkast, and Le Tigre. Lauren Reskin (nickname Lolo), the orange-haired, label-owning DJ/record store co-owner, is busy behind the counter, putting the finishing touches on the latest issue of the store's newest project, a funky, free zine named The Sweater. Late-period disco videos by Serge Gainsbourg burble in the background, screened on a gigantic TV set that dominates the small space. A hippie chick clad in paisley stumbles in, carrying an armload of old records. "Look at these! I found them in the dumpster," she exclaims, as Lolo leaves her post to shuffle through the pile. "Who would throw away records, man?" the hippie girl wonders. Old vinyl and young music lovers have found a good home.

The kind of store you find on every block in parts of Manhattan, Blue Note has dusty bins that are potential treasure troves. There's always some schmuck who bought the new Ghostface expecting hip-pop, or the Minor Threat discography because the guys from Good Charlotte mentioned them in an interview. These people can't handle musical truth, and because they have rushed to Blue Note and unloaded their barely used goods, you can capitalize on their bad taste. The only thing wrong with Blue Note is that visiting the store is a reminder that Miami lacks more like it.

There is no doubt that Museo del Disco has an enormous catalogue of Latin music on hand. What's not in stock is easily ordered -- which is typical these days. However, Museo del Disco offers a singular thing of value, one that is impossible to obtain from any Website: its owner, the exceedingly colorful and entertaining Hinsul Lazo. The fortysomething native of Pinar del Rîo, Cuba, is happy to talk about music -- or anything -- in prose purple enough to make a Rosetti blush. Here in his words is a description of the fantasticality of Museo del Disco: "It's in a warehouse district, and it's a gorgeous store. No, it's a beautiful store. It's like no other store in this city. Not because it's mine. That's the word from all the customers. They walk in and they're amazed it's so neat and organized. It's a warehouse but it's decorated like a dollhouse. The furniture's red, the walls are white. The light boxes around the entire store are red. It has pictures of all the old records, the Beatles' Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. What if you were looking for a Miles Davis CD or a John Coltrane or a Billie Holiday, some great CD? There are only two ways to find them. Either online, because that's where people go because they don't think any store's going to have them. Or you can go to my store. And you'll find it in my store. Because that's what it's about. My store's a music store. We special-order things for people. It's the old style. And by the way, nothing in my store is bootlegged or burned or counterfeit. It's all original product. From everywhere: Cuban, Colombian, Argentinean, Brazilian, Venezuelan, Mexican product. Buddy, everything. I bring in from Puerto Rico. I import directly from Cuba." So there you have it.

While serious vinyl fetishists might consider their post office box the hippest place on Earth, less-accessorized turntablists should mosey down to Grooveman Music to completely outfit themselves with all the necessary accouterments. You can literally walk in and purchase everything you need -- consoles, music, bags, clothing, and even sunglasses -- to play DJ in front of the mirror at home. Although this place might not have the stacks of old vinyl that DJs crave, it does have a good selection of current dance tracks both on vinyl and CD. And there are scads of listening stations. The music section is heavy with house, trance, electro, dance, and drum 'n' bass, but one is still permitted to indulge in the occasional guilty pleasure like Madonna or Depeche Mode.

You might not notice Freddy the Bastard's little corner of the universe while you're drunkenly moshing at a club, and even if you did, it would be easy to dismiss his wares as the DJ's play pile or the band's merch table. But if you choose to closely inspect Fred's wares, you'll find a cache of rare LPs, CDs, and books that's breathtaking and for sale! Then, when you actually talk to the proprietor about music or some similar bullshit, his high-octane enthusiasm will intoxicate you into buying records you didn't know existed. A recent émigré from Gainesville, Freddy has been dealing internationally for more than twenty years. Many record collectors know his mug because they have purchased rarities or new releases from him at concerts. The nice bastard (we know this is an oxymoron, but that's who he is) knows his stuff as well as anyone in town, but he hauls the product to wherever customers gather. Call or e-mail Freddy ([email protected]) so you know what nightclub he’s hitting next or to see if he has something you’re looking for. Give him your wish lists! He specializes in punk and hardcore but also serves the needs of goth, industrial, indie, garage, and grindcore kids.

Hard-core, soft-core, money shots, midgets, lesbians, and lube -- whatever your desire, porn shops are there to satisfy your craving when you can't have the real thing. Everything from Jenna Jameson DVDs to fetish fun compose the inventory of your everyday adult video store. But XXX Outlet is the true champion of lustful merriment. Monthly appearances by top-name adult actresses give patrons the opportunity to meet their favorite starlets and, on occasion, watch them perform a risqué show on a specially built stage. This touch of reality, unattainable with blow-up dolls and movies, is cheaper and more exciting than going to a strip club. For the rest of the month, stay occupied with viewing booths, playful lingerie, toys galore, and DVDs for $6.99 and up. Smoking paraphernalia is also available for additional debauchery. XXX Outlet is one of Miami's best-kept dirty little secrets. Hidden in the depths of South Miami-Dade, it's difficult to find but well worth the hunt.

Everyone knows the old joke. How many (fill in the blank) does it take to screw in a light bulb? Here's a new answer for you: None, if you take your lamp to Light Bulbs Unlimited. Just ask the helpful employee behind the counter, and he or she will tell you exactly what it will take to lighten up your world. Regular bulbs start as cheap as 34 cents; those craving a spotlight can purchase one for $6; and hydro heads can purchase grow lights for $6.75. It's easy to be dazzled by the array of cool hanging fixtures and lamps. A standing lamp with a row of round blue fixtures like six fish eyes will set you back $1995. A whimsical fixture with a silver parachuting man affixed to a silver minispotlight costs $240. A beautiful modern chandelier that resembles a shining spider web costs only $847.50. Fluorescents and miniatures, fixtures and novelty lights, colored bulbs and neons -- this place is positively glowing. Stopping by is a bright idea. You'll leave feeling positively illuminated. Ba-da-bum.

The coolest-looking Publix is probably the one on West Avenue in South Beach. It's designed by architect Carlos Zapata and is a gleaming glass testimony to SoBe chic. The Publix in the Plaza del Paraiso strip mall is on the opposite end of the city, and makes a statement about Kendall. It's a generic, sprawling branch that might not look cool, but you can get anything you need here. And do we mean anything. This Publix combines features from some of the supermarket chain's rivals. The plant and flower section is extensive and also offers clay chimeras, ceramic pots, and decorative garden accessories. The bakery is stocked with a dazzling array of breads, pies, pastries, cakes, and frozen desserts. The wine department curves inside itself like a maze in a lush's dream, with departments organized by country of origin. Hard-to-find bottles can be had here, like Fetzer Gewurztraminer, which costs $14. This branch of Publix is beginning to venture into Wild Oats territory by offering a slowly expanding section of natural and organic meats, including pork, steak, chicken, and buffalo. It also boasts the largest Greenwise section of any Publix in the area -- fully stocked with vegetarian frozen foods, specialty pastas, and rice infused with flaxseed oil. The very same R.W. Knudsen and Lakewood organic juices that go for a pretty penny at Whole Foods sell for $3.75 here. The beer department is a must-visit. The selection rivals that of many liquor stores and offers a stunning variety of local and imported beers, ciders, and colorful girlie drinks.

Every single thing in this place is organic. Much of it is local, and all of it is available for delivery. Delicious Organics is a three-year-old company owned by a young, beautiful, community-minded couple -- Jack and Annie Malka -- who believe in creating a market for all things environmentally friendly. (Seriously. They even sell recycled aluminum foil.) Creating that market means catering to convenience, so they offer online shopping and a weekly delivery service. They cull the best local, regional, and national produce and products; print your order; pack it for you; and deliver it in a cooler for a flat $9.95 fee -- whether you live in Boca Raton or Marathon Key. But if you want to pick up your own grass-fed brisket ($6.99 per pound), kosher cow's milk feta ($3.49 for eight ounces), or radishlike green kohlrabi ($2.39 for two), stop in Mondays or Fridays from 2:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m. If you don't have time to choose your produce online, or if you simply want to save money, try the weekly co-op boxes: Forty bucks gets you one filled with four to ten different fruits and seven to fifteen different vegetables to meet your budgetary and nutritional needs. Nutrition and convenience? Bring on that raw, grass-fed, Amish farm milk.

This is the mother of all dollar stores. We're talking twelve aisles of everything from crayons to cassava melons. Load up the cart with pet food, toiletries, home-improvement stuff such as caulking guns, and kitchen stuff such as pepper grinders and stainless-steel meat cleavers. A four-pack of CD-Rs, a pound of Kosher matzos, a ratchet screwdriver with six head attachments, a three-pound bag of onions, a Florida guidebook -- everything's 99 cents. Most of the merchandise comes from large-scale closeouts or going-out-of-business sales, making the 99-cent price point possible, according to store manager Alex Gurdian. "It's crazy. That's why you see that many people," Gurdian says of the 1200 customers who stream through on an average day. The store is open 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. all week.

Just as you'll never find a Forever 21 in the Bal Harbour Shops, you'll never score good, cheap thrift in the Design District. For that you'll have to venture to not-so-fashionable Liberty City. Douglas Gardens Thrift Shop is a sprawling warehouse of anything and everything you never knew you needed. Beaded evening gowns, retro dining room tables, campy cookie jars. Toasters go for as low as five bucks. Glasses for the kitchen cost a mere 50 cents. Then there are bedroom sets with sticker prices up to $2500. It's the Wal-Mart of thrift stores -- without all the lawsuits and stuff (instead proceeds go to the Douglas Gardens Jewish Home for the Aged). Hours: 8:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Monday through Saturday, 10:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Sunday.

In your attempt to hightail it to the Aventura Mall to get your Gap on, you may have unknowingly driven right past a true fashion treasure along Biscayne Boulevard. You won't find capris in C. Madeleine's -- unless they're from the Fifties, and they most certainly won't be khaki. A veteran on the vintage scene, owner Madeleine Kirsh pays exquisite detail to the items that go into her 10,000-square-foot boutique, which she opened four years ago. Its inventory arranged by decade, Madeleine's offers everything from Civil War military jackets (you gotta ask, because this kind of stuff is holed up in a back-room vault) to gowns admired by celeb fans such as Naomi Campbell. Although you may run into a few bargains, be prepared to pay for history -- this is, after all, a vintage store (not thrift) -- and it wouldn't be unusual to stumble upon a $60,000 mink coat. But then again, do you really need another pair of Old Navy gaucho pants?

The bottom line is this: Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. The duality is this: Customers might be desperate survivors willing to part with a treasured item for chump change, fully aware they'll never get it back. Or they might be regular folk who need a loan and are in a situation that requires them to pay usurious interest. The other duality is that pawnbrokers can be viewed as businesspeople who serve a need, or as slimejerks who exploit human weakness. Also, pawn-shoppers might find reasonable bargains or get hustled with substandard merchandise. But Quick Cash seems willing to help the desperate and serve the loanee. It displays a selection of apparent bargains and offers a clean and well-kept joint. There's all the standard gear: jewelry, guns, computers, guitars, DVDs, VHS tapes, videogames, TVs, stereo components, car stereos, mowers, power tools of all types. You can get a Tec-9 for $300 or a big ol' Glock .40 for $479; decent-looking (and fully tested) electronics generally go for well under $200. You'll also find a few oddities: a jai-alai cesta, a diving suit, a welder's tank. The clerks tend to be friendly, even jovial, which may salve the desperate and encourage buyers. They seem willing and eager to offer loans, conscientious about what they sell and for how much, and nice. Believe it or not.

Botanica La Caridad may seem an unlikely sanctuary. It's tucked inside a nondescript warehouse, surrounded by big-rig parking lots and underwear wholesalers. But it has become a favorite refuge for the downtrodden, the unlucky, and the demoralized. Ailing? Why not make an offering to La Caridad's life-size effigy of Babalu-Aye. A grizzled figure in a burlap cape, he heals the sick and guards the gate between life and death. Or perhaps you're haunted by pesky spirits. Try dousing yourself with one of the fragrant potions, like Agua Florida and Espanto Muerto, that line La Caridad's shelves. The shop also offers solutions to money troubles, legal woes, drug addiction, and family quarrels. "Basically whatever your problem, we can help," explains Jesœs Suarez, a spry 43-year-old Santer’a priest, whose family has owned La Caridad for more than two decades. Most days he performs rituals and doles out spiritual advice from the shop's modest back-room sanctuary. Meanwhile his parents, Enriqueta and Demonstenes, attend to customers on the sales floor, which is stocked with an unrivaled variety of Afro-Caribbean spiritual wares. Among them are fresh herbs, delicate ceramics, colorful candles, traditional clothing, fragrant oils, and elaborate garlands of multihue beads. La Caridad also carries some less-common (and more-intriguing) goods. Take for instance the plastic tubs filled with deer legs and horsetails. It's difficult to understand the import of such items without delving into the rich mythology of Santer’a -- and parsing the tastes and foibles of its deities. But the affable Suarez clan is eager to help even the most suave of tenderfoots learn about the oft-misunderstood faith. "This is a beautiful religion," says Jesœs. "We teach people to move beyond the hesitance and fear so they can experience its power."

On Saturday at 5:00 p.m. this indoor market becomes the epicenter of Liberty City, the area's downtown social and economic heart. It's where you can get your hair done, a tattoo, and an airbrushed T-shirt, and watch a bootleg DVD (no need to drop $10 to see 16 Blocks) -- all before you even think about shopping for threads -- which is an event all its own. But really, a trip to Flea Market USA is not only about what's on the to-buy list, but also about witnessing true community.

Those who live on South Beach know what a hassle it is not to have a Target, a Whole Foods Market, or a PetSmart nearby. If we're going to leave our big-box-lacking island oasis for the sprawling retail jungles of the mainland, it had better be worth the drive. With the right tunes blasting from our sunroofs, the trek to Aventura Commons is an enjoyable little road trip. We wish the Target was a super one, but we're happy to have a Target next to a Whole Foods next to a PetSmart. There's also a Best Buy, a great liquor store -- Cellar's Wine & Spirits -- and The Original Pancake House. Ample free parking is always a delight to Beach-dwellers, and the people of Aventura are so darn friendly you will really feel like you've gone out of town for the day.

Mostly they travel by plane from farms in Colombia. Those that aren't destroyed by U.S. Customs are trucked into refrigerated warehouses for distribution to retailers. They are then sold at floral shops and by petal peddlers at intersections or roadside kiosks. Each time they change hands, flowers lose a bit of freshness while increasing in price. This versatile showroom, office, and warehouse allows the public to cut out the middlemen and buy directly from a wholesaler. Open Monday to Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m., this joint provides the highest-quality blooms: tulips from Holland or North Carolina (about $3 per stem), roses (a bundle of 25 for $10), carnations ($2 or so each), and tons of other colorful and sweetly aromatic blossoms priced to go. (Ask and they'll create a custom arrangement as well.) From large-scale florists to corner purveyors, this sweet-smelling depot serves everyone seeking the finest blooms.

Off the beaten path of Krome Avenue, New Source is almost exclusively wholesale, but the proprietors will make an exception if you pull up and start browsing. Not as orchid- or palm-centric as some of its competitors, New Source has acres of reasonably priced ferns, tropicals, and flowering plants. A lemon button fern, purple lantana shrub, or Mexican heather -- in a six-inch pot -- costs less than $3. There are plenty of palms -- from the Adonidia in a seventeen-inch pot for $120, to the Washigtonia in a ten-inch pot for $6.50. Red hibiscus in a ten-inch pot goes for $5.50, and bougainvillea on a trellis in a fourteen-incher is $30. Owner Raul Mendoza is friendly and knowledgeable. He'll help you find an exotic island plant or foliage ideal for your windowsill. There are also supplies such as ground cover, fertilizer, peat moss, and potting soil. New Source is open from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. Monday through Friday, and 8:00 a.m. to 1:00 p.m. Saturday.

Since the invention of photography, pictures have been thrown into plain albums where they fade into dust. Or maybe they're just crammed into boxes and shoved in a closet somewhere, forgotten until some distant aunt comes to visit and begs to take a look. Yet a recent artistic movement is redefining the way photos are presented. It's called scrapbooking, and it has become so popular that even Target has a section dedicated to the craft. If you want to make a beautiful scrapbook, though, skip the superstore and head to Scrapbooks & Stuff. This shop stocks even the things you never knew you needed for a fantastic memory album. It has stickers, die-cuts, ribbons, beads, and even decorative staples. An entire wall is covered with just the books, and each set of shelves is dedicated to a specific scrapbook category. It even shows samples pages of various adhesives. You can buy scissors that cut in a curvy pattern and hole punchers that make any shape. Before you purchase the whole store, however, check out the crop room -- just bring your paper, and the friendly staff will provide all the tools you need to create your book. If you're not confident enough to venture into the scrapbooking world on your own, register for one of the shop's many classes. Instructors will teach you some great techniques and make you a scrapbooking addict before the first page of your album dries. Hours are Monday through Thursday 10:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m., Friday 10:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m., Saturday 10:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m., and Sunday noon to 5:00 p.m.

There are plenty of pricey private schools in Miami where kids can get prepped for Hah-vard or Yale. They all have awe-inspiring campuses with topnotch athletic facilities and stimulating arts programs. But in too many cases, the youngsters must drive, walk, or bike to class. We chose Ransom Everglades because we want our kids to kayak to school. Or, better yet, if the wind is right, we want them to sail on over and slip the family sloop into the Coconut Grove school's Biscayne Bay dock. Then they can walk through the thick, old-growth hammock to class. Of course we like Ransom because of its quality academics, its Zen-like campus setting, and it's track record of Ivy League admits. But we love Ransom because of its pioneering eco-oriented curriculum (for twenty years, ninth-graders have been going on Outward Bound canoe trips to the Everglades) and its unique seagoing curriculum (marine biology, kayaking, sailing, a wooden-boat-building workshop). We also dig the school's long tradition of theater. A stone's throw from the Coconut Grove Playhouse, Ransom has classes on playwriting, script analysis, and even musical theater -- last year the school put on a production of the racy The Laramie Project. Total tuition: $20,400 per year. But don't give up hope -- you can apply for financial aid.

Dust-coated, cluttered, and filled with vintage goodies, A & M Comics looks more like your grandmother's attic than a retail store. Stepping into the dimly lit space, you have to be careful to bypass customers squatting over the extensive collection of comics piled in the narrow pathways. Very quickly you'll suffer sensory overload; the gems will be lost among the indistinguishable mass of stock. As your vision adjusts to the heaps of boxes and cellophane covers, it'll be easy to see why A & M has been around since 1974. Aside from the seemingly infinite amount of mainstream and independent comics, there is a well-rounded selection of collectibles -- an H.R. Pufnstuf figure, a $400 1940 Superman jigsaw puzzle, ancient porn magazines, and Mad magazine Issues 1 through 40. There's even an early edition of Charles Dickens's works. And the employees are pleasantly unpretentious. As the chatty fellow behind the counter will tell you: "We're messy and disorganized, but we have great customer service."

TO: Chuck Strouse, editor
FROM: Best of Miami research department
RE: Retiring a category

Boss, it's time to retire this category. Year after year after year, our intrepid team explores every nook of this fine city in hopes of finding a newsstand even better than Worldwide. Doesn't happen. Year after year after year, the award goes to this purveyor of all things readable and disposable. This place has all the big dailies, many small ones, and all the big mags, many so obscure they don't even have Websites; there's everything from the Nation to Taboo, from the National Review to Asian Cult Cinema, from Fishwrap to Bitch (which isn't about dogs). They even sell ice cream to enhance the browsing and reading experience. This is not good news, though. What does it say about a city that doesn't have great magazine and newspaper dealers all over the place? Not sure. Well go to Worldwide and read up on the subject. Thanks, sir. See you next year.

No, it's not a conventional bookstore, but hell, Miami is no conventional town. Chain stores dominate this field, and they're all pretty good, so if you have no patience, just go to one of them. But the street fair at this annual event spans one blissful, beautiful, blessed week every autumn -- this year it will take place November 12 to 19 -- and is a book lover's answered prayer. You can pick from pages in every imaginable category, and you can stock up on enough new publications to last until next year. Yes, the street fair coaxes every bookworm from here to Topeka to burrow out from beneath the covers, but half the fun is mingling with other people who love books as much as you do. To top it off, of course, there's the Author's Congress, where you can ask your favorite poet about just how he mastered that Cyrillic onomatopoeia. Heaven.

Okay, we're in South Florida, so there's no crackling fireplace with swirling snow outside, but dammit if this isn't the coziest, warmest, most conversation-inducing joint in town. People don't just exchange used copies of Dostoevsky or Darwin here; they trade thoughts, opinions, and ideas. And they go hunting, albeit in the shelves for things like a first-edition Jane Austen, an autographed Toni Morrison, or, say, the John Irving collection, 1982-1997. Steve Elliot and his family/staff might not have what you want in stock, but if it exists on this Earth, they will dig through tundra to find it for you. You can also bring in your used books. They don't always pay cash for them; sometimes they'll give you a ridiculously generous store credit instead. And, unlike some used bookstores, Kendall Bookshelf really doesn't carry new books, leaving that up to the suits down the street. In fact the Bookshelf folks love reading so much that they actually welcome the corporate stores with a "Woohoo! People reading!" attitude. What distinguishes this place from the Big B's -- and keeps it beloved -- is an emphasis on service and community. Staff members have a joyful and staggering knowledge of books and a near-photographic memory of customer preferences. Want a place where everybody knows your name? Skip the bar (and the corporate barista), grab some brewed java, and settle in.

Ninety-year-old Luigi De Luca has been cutting hair for 25 years in South Florida, but the Sicilian can and will address any topic thrown at him with the air of a man whose knowledge far exceeds his chosen craft. Want to know about horseracing? De Luca has more than a few tips; he's been cutting hair at Calder Race Course (and Hialeah before that) for a quarter-century. How about opera? De Luca used to perform, and by his account, could have been one of the greats. He's happy to dish about famous tenors, national politics, or anything else. When you sit in Luigi's chair, the haircut is secondary to the conversation.

Christian Garcia was a sixteen-year-old boy fresh off his exodus from Cuba when he began stitching together suits with his father in 1961. Pops had opened a modest little shop on NE Second Avenue in downtown Miami. In 1989, after inheriting his father's trade, Garcia moved the family business to the City Beautiful, where the now 61-year-old tailor weaves suits, slacks, dress shirts, tuxedos, and sport coats. Christian Garcia is a bona fide custom tailor who does not perform alterations. "We have people from all walks of life, from rabbis to politicians to prominent businessmen," Garcia says of his clientele. "We carry strictly European lines such as Italy's Loro Piana, Parisian line Dormeuil, Scabal from Brussels, England's Holland & Sherry, and another ten smaller specialty houses." Garcia, who employs a staff of six tailors, promises a sophisticated gentleman can walk away with a great two-piece suit for $3,995. The shop is open from 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Monday through Friday; 9:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Saturdays. However, Garcia notes, you must make an appointment. "It usually takes about an hour-and-a-half to measure you, get to know you, your personality, your style," he says. "But if you want to come in at 8:00 in the evening, we are more than willing to accommodate you." Now that's class.

This excellent store has four locations in Miami-Dade, but this one employs the friendliest staff and is next to (first-rate Spanish restaurant) Casa Paco's excellent deli, so it wins. There are other shops specializing in guayaberas, the semiformal warm-weather shirt of choice for abuelos worldwide, but this joint combines the best selection -- long- and short-sleeve varieties come in every color and pattern, from Johnny Cash black to pinstripe -- and the best prices, beginning around $35. Guayaberas Etc. also carries high-end linen shirts and dress slacks, as well as women's clothing.

In Spanish, sentir cubano means "to feel Cuban" -- as if living in Miami and consuming your daily dose of cortaditos were not enough. So maybe this Calle Ocho shop should be called Ser Cubano, "to be Cuban," because if you weren't already blessed by birth, this store has all the ingredients to help you become, at the very least, a wannabe Cuban. Begin with apparel: Buy yourself a guayabera, a T-shirt with the emblem of a Cuban baseball team, and an enormous belt buckle emblazoned with the Cuban flag. Then move over to the cigar aisle, stock up on a couple of stogies, and grab a lovely taxidermied rooster for good measure. The music section is stocked with old-timey favorites like Beny Moré, Celia Cruz, and Barbarita Diaz, perfect to dance to while you make a café con leche with your new coffeemaker and a medianoche with your new sandwich press. (The place has cookbooks in English and Spanish if you need some help.) Don't forget to pick up a set of traditional double-nine dominoes, domino stands, and a domino table (there are cubilete and Spanish playing cards too); when you're not using the table for games, you can display a few antique yearbooks from pre-Castro high schools, purchased from Sentir Cubano's huge collection. Buy a framed display of old-fashioned currency to hang on the wall, plaster your car with stickers, and put some Fidel Castro toilet paper in the bathroom. If that isn't enough, check out owners Miguel and Maria Vazquez's first store, online at www.cubanfoodmarket.com.

Miami needs more guns. Simply put, the police are overburdened and understaffed, and it's clearly time for private citizens to take matters into their own hands. No one's calling for armed insurrection yet, just more "deterrence." Imagine the message you could have sent to that bitch in the SUV who almost ran you off the road without looking up from her Blackberry if you'd been wielding a .357 instead of your middle finger! With that in mind, it's worth noting that Ace's has won this award before, and for good reason. This is simply, beyond question, the Glock-totinest, cap-bustinest, armor-piercinest heater haven in Miami. The victorious smell of Cordite hangs in the air as soon as you enter Ace's, and you can hear the shots coming from the indoor range (rent a gun for $20 and pay $9 per hour for target practice); it's a reveille for all of those who are bad-ass enough to heed the literal call to arms. Ace's carries everything from purse-size pistols to massive Magnums. And the ambience is perfect: from the poster of kittens frolicking with handguns hanging over the gun safe, to the folks just in from the range comparing paper targets, to the happy chatter ("Now this round will go through two, maybe three people before stopping...."), Ace's is the place to get your gat and go forth -- for Justice!

"There used to be dive shops all over the place," says Judy Miller. "Now we're the only one in the area." As the owners of Divers Den Miami, Judy and her husband Jim have been running this one-stop shop for undersea fun since 1977. Experienced divers can rent or buy any equipment they need in this place, which is neatly tucked away in the Shops of Kendall strip mall. Uzzi gear? Check. Mares goggles? There are many pairs, ranging from $60 to $79. A Currents snorkel vest for $49.95? Snap it all up here. And wannabe divers can obtain scuba certification through the store, which staffs two instructors (one of whom is also a trainer of dive instructors, and a University of Miami professor). Dive training sessions are scheduled first in area pools and then with charter groups in the shallow reefs of the northern Florida Keys, and the review course costs just $150. But the best reason to stop by Divers Den is for friendly conversation with the Millers and to meet the store mascot, a galloping galoot of a chocolate lab named DuPont, who plops his furry paws atop the counter as though he's ready to ring up your purchase.

Ohh yeah! Feeeel the burnnnn! Ahh! Ahh! Oh I can barely lift my arm 'cause I did so many! I did over a thousand! Now look at my guns! Look at that cannonball bicep! Don't you just want to squeeze it? Oh yeah! Look, I can even flex my eyelid muscle! And I work this perfect buff bod at MPower's new location! It's a gleaming monolith to fitness! It's Globo Gym XXX-Large! An annual $469 membership gets you unlimited aerobic and yoga classes, supervised childcare, and free parking. For an additional $30 a month, you receive unlimited spinning classes. MPower also offers short-term plans such as an $80 one-month membership or $270 for six months. And for those of you who aren't complete without your faux tan, MPower offers the latest skin-baking technology. Tanning packages range from $12 to $160.

The smoky-sweet scent of tobacco permeates the air at the El Crédito Cigar Factory. It's an aroma that Ernesto Perez-Carillo Jr. has breathed all of his life. As a young boy in Cuba, he toured his father's tobacco farms. The family's factory was among the island's finest. But the clan moved the business to Miami after Fidel Castro's 1959 revolution and now the business Perez-Carillo Sr. began on the island in 1948 continues under the strong, capable leadership of his son. To honor his father's memory, Ernesto has outfitted the factory with mahogany humidors, rolling tables, and cabinets in the old Havana style. "Times have changed, but we try to keep the atmosphere that my father had in his factory," Perez-Carillo Jr. says. This little place on Calle Ocho has earned an international reputation. The four brands that the factory turns out -- La Gloria Cubana, La Hoja Selecta, El Rico Habano, and Dos Gonzales -- each has a distinctive flavor and shape. Employees are encouraged to experiment with the tobacco, to marry complex essences and aromas from Ecuador, North America, and the Dominican Republic in order to create a unique blend. La Gloria Cubana cigars are considered among the nation's best, ranging in price from $1.15 for the panetelas to $2.65 for the fat, pyramid-shape piramides. Cigar aficionados including Robert Goulet, Bill Cosby, and (ahem) Bill Clinton have visited the factory to watch the proud Cuban workers sing traditional songs while twisting stogies fit for royalty. Whether you're a tobacco addict, a curious newbie, or a connoisseur, you can stop by the adjacent retail outlet to buy a cigar, or call to schedule a tour and watch expert roleros from the motherland practice a longstanding island art form.

Ordinarily the process of buying two-by-fours, screwdrivers, hammers, and dry wall is far from heartwarming. But purchasing a nail gun at Shell is strangely therapeutic. There's the great service -- almost everyone seems to be of Bob Vila quality; you can find an expert on mahogany, bathroom fixtures, and security systems. There's also the setting. Shell is stuffed like your grandmother's attic. If you buy an obscure item -- a rare screw, perhaps -- there's a chance some staffer will clamber up a ladder to pull it from a mysterious, unreachable place twenty feet high. But the reason we like Shell better than the entirely serviceable Home Depots of the world is not the service. Nor is it the setting, the presence of two million lineal feet and 330 types of molding, or the claims that it sells more stainless-steel fasteners than anyone in the industry. No, that's not it. It's not even Shell's seniority (it has been in Miami since 1928). We like this store because of its friendly details. The free coffee, free popcorn, free Gatorade, and the courtesy phone. Even if you're not a contractor, you'll have a good time at Shell.

Don't be spooked by the apparently armless camouflage-clad child mannequin that greets you outside. This shop on a busy stretch of South Dixie Highway has everything you'll need to hole up in a survivalist bunker during your next paranoid delusion about a United Nations invasion of South Florida. Of course, you have your pick of combat boots, camo, and personalized dog tags, but there's plenty of other intriguing stuff too. How about taking home an Israeli gas mask, a chest pack for your ammo clips, or a field guide to the M-60 machine gun? Why not try on a head-to-toe suit that makes you look like a deadly lump of weeds? Or maybe you could pick up some World War II replica insignia patches, a stun gun, or just a good old "Insured by Colt" bumper sticker. Get here before the UN does. Quartermaster Sales is open Monday through Saturday from 9:00 am. to 7:00 p.m. and Sunday from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

Tucked away in a little strip mall, Judaica Enterprises has pretty much everything you'd expect -- bins full of kippoh, educational Jewish children's games, menorahs of all varieties, and shofars of various lengths. What sets Judaica Enterprises apart is its extensive stock of Jewish texts -- more than 7000 titles, according to owner Joseph Bronstein. In the store and its nearby warehouse, you'll find books about Jewish cooking, Hebrew-language instruction, humor, Jewish history, marriage and relationships, Jewish travel, and a solid selection of Spanish-language Judaica. Bronstein and his staff will go out of their way to help you find what you're looking for. "People who work here are usually knowledgeable," Bronstein says with a sly smile. If you don't want to schlep out of your way, they'll ship your order to you. Judaica Enterprises is open Sunday through Thursday from 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., Friday from 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m., and it's closed Saturdays and Jewish Holidays.

It's Saturday night, and you want to get wasted. Not just giggling, slurring-your-words wasted -- your mission is to become intoxicated past the point of being in control of your bodily functions. Well, then King Liquors has what you need. Walk past the seemingly endless wine racks, which are laden with an incredible assortment of wine, champagne, and sake. Pass the wall of schnapps and curaçaos. Ignore the Johnny Walkers, which come in red, gold, green, and blue. Don't waste your time with the multihue cognac-laced beverages, the Alize, Envy, Hypnotiq, Destinee, and X-Rated liqueurs. You're looking for something different tonight. Something that looks like trouble. And there it is, sandwiched between Dooley's Toffee Liqueur and Jägermeister. Absente, Absinthe Refined. The real stuff has been illegal in America since 1912, but this dazzling, emerald green French import is distilled with Southern wormwood and still packs a 110-proof wallop. A mere $43.99 for a taste of la fée verte and the glamour of belle époque Paris sounds like a bargain. Quick, stock up on minibottles and a few six packs of beer for your less courageous buddies. Next stop is the nearest convenience store to score some sugar cubes.

These sister shops, which sit ten blocks apart on Calle Ocho, carry a wide variety of inexpensive yet tasty wines. They also offer some specimens so rare and prized they'd make the most seasoned sommelier salivate. Stashed behind Best Time's counter, for example, is a bottle of 1967 Château d'Yquem ($700) -- one of the most choice vintages from a famed Bordeaux vineyard that hand-selects each grape. The stores' uncommon vinous medley comes care of Philippe Douriez, their gentle-mannered French proprietor. Not only does he cultivate variety by rotating his stock, but he also searches out coveted vintages and welcomes new wines from little-known vineyards. In addition, he buys in bulk, which allows him to offer among the best prices in town. But customers say value and variety are just a part of the stores' appeal. Both locations have a low-key, unpretentious vibe and delightfully funky décor. (At Happy Wine, the carpet is tattered, the walls are covered with graffiti, and the water-stained ceilings resemble a giant Rorschach test.) And around lunchtime both morph into lively cafés serving tapas to a spirited, mostly Cuban crowd that clusters around tables crafted from wine barrels and rickety crates. Happy Wine also offers live music five nights a week, which brings merengue and salsa dancers out en masse and occasionally spawns conga lines. Note that Fridays are by far the liveliest, but they're also the most crowded, so it's best to arrive early if you want a table.

That's right: no grapes. You've gotta try it before you judge. The Schneblys make some delicious little wines from a local tropical harvest that includes mango, guava, and passion fruit. The clean, crisp nature of the carambola (star fruit) wine ($13.95) makes it the most reminiscent of a traditional white. The yummy litchi and mango varieties are basically dessert in a glass ... dessert plus eleven percent alcohol, natch. Schnebly is a tiny winery, with a pretty coral waterfall, that's within spitting distance of Everglades National Park. That makes it the southernmost winery in the continental United States, at least as far as we can tell. So yes, you have to trek to Homestead to sip. But there are advantages. After tippling, you can stop by Robert Is Here and pick up some juicy tidbits with which to enjoy these luscious, syrupy finds. Try the guava wine with cheesecake, and prepare to swoon.

Miami has beautiful women and wonderful weather. And trust that we're no slouch in the killer bud department. Our fair city might not have the stonerific rep of Humboldt County in California, Hawaii, Alaska, Oregon, or anywhere in Canada, but damn, if you know where to look and your pockets are deep enough, you can score some blueberry yum-yum good enough for a rap song. Tasty Mary Jane demands a quality smoking apparatus -- preferably a water pipe with an ice chamber to chill the smoke and filter the flavor on the way to your lungs. The best place to get a bong like that is High Tide. A random afternoon stroll through the spacious store can reveal a fascinatingly diverse variety of customers -- old hippies with gray ponytails, seasoned local veterans, and giggling, glassy-eyed University of Miami sorority girls all cluster around the glass cabinets. Laid-back attendants help you figure out the difference between a sherlock and a sidecar, or explain the finer differences between Philly, Dutchies, and Garcia y Vega blunts. Best of all, the prices are just right. You can buy a simple hammer pipe for $30, or invest in an ornate, display-worthy bong adorned with hand-blown glass butterflies for $300.

Dozens of pairs of two-dimensional eyes greet you as you walk into the dimly lit downtown establishment. Fruit and nude bodies garnish the deep-red walls. Friends and lovers lean in to listen more closely to the words escaping their companions' lips as they settle into plush, rosy furniture. A raven-haired woman sips a martini at the bar, absorbing the certain lustiness that pervades the still air. But just as the name suggests, Red Bar Gallery is not a burlesque, but a place to buy art and cocktails. Owners Danny Baez and Courtlandt McQuire have created a venue where affordable drinks and local art combine in a warm, living-roomlike environment. "We wanted to provide a local drinking establishment that wasn't trendy with a velvet rope. Anyone, whether they're dressed in a tuxedo or flip-flops, can come here," says Baez. The art, painted by mostly local artists, with a few internationals thrown in, ranges from lifelike portraits, abstract oddities, and geometric shapes that go for $500 and up. The talents of paintbrush slingers Daniel Osorno, Roberto Valera, BoDo, Mano, Marcy Grosso, and others can be admired along with a pair of mysterious paintings by an unknown artist. Every second Wednesday of the month, art connoisseurs have the pleasure of meeting with the painters. "We wanted to provide a venue for local artists while bringing the art community to Brickell," says Baez. Even if your artistic knowledge is limited to Picasso and some other guy you can't recall, the weekend DJ and tasty drinks are motivation enough to make Red Bar your partying destination. It's open Monday through Thursday from 4:00 p.m. to 2:00 a.m., Friday from 4:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m., and Saturday from 7:00 p.m. to 3:00 a.m.

There is plenty of feng shui and good mojo going on in this delightfully aromatic shop to keep your Buddha buddies happy. The shop has all the incense, candles, and beautiful statuary you need to create your own sacred meditation altar in your home. Friendly Bagua staff members are quick to tell you more about the one-of-a-kind handmade bags and clothing they carry (which are earthy without being too hippielike), and they will be happy to help you find the perfect book or CD for your friends who really need to relax. You will also find unique gifts for new moms and babies, like irresistibly soft teddy bears and floppy dogs that are filled with soothing lavender and can be heated in the microwave to provide a comforting warm friend in the crib ($15 to $28). Then there's the fizzy and bubbling elixirs to add to the bath (starting at $5). What we really love are the parties held every Friday night from 8:00 to midnight. With music, dancing, tarot readings, and free wine and snacks, this little shop is sending its good vibrations throughout the Buena Vista East neighborhood.

This fashion and beauty barge opened in 1989 with a handful of stylists and a couple of manicurists. The little shop grew into a bustling full-service salon, spa, and boutique that has never lost its charm. (Rick and his wife Raquel are the charming couple at the helm.) Rick knows hair, he knows what look is right for you, and he isn't afraid to tell you. He has Edward Scissorhands-like speed and precision, as well as the talent of a master chemist with the colors. "Reds can be tricky," we've heard him say, as he explains that the copper red, rather than the Merlot hue, is a better choice for one lightly freckled client. "But not everyone can pull off a red; you need to have the right skin tone." Rick spends quality time with you and makes you feel special when you are in his chair -- he is there to take care of you. "Would you like some wine?" he is always quick to ask. "We have a nice Pinot Grigio ... or do you want a snack?" And he makes sure you're happy and tells you you're gorgeous before you leave. If only we could get all men to treat us this well.

Look around your bathroom. There's something about the Softsoap dispenser, the Ivory in the shower, and the Barbasol shaving cream that's simply depressing. Concern about smelling good, after all, demarcated humanity's rise to civilization. The art of perfume has been considered a delicate and careful process since man was practically rolling around in horse manure. But judging from a typical cosmetics shelf, we have succeeded only in emanating a faint odor of baby powder. The Boys can help. They specialize in European lines like L'Artisan, Diptyque, Lothantique, Hierbas de Ibiza, and D'Orsay. They carry one scent, in a squat terra cotta jar, that has been manufactured by the same Italian monks for centuries. They also offer free, gorgeous gift-wrapping. Perusing their shop, a cool refuge on Miracle Mile, is to be surrounded by delicate bottles and floral labels. The packaging of a set of Portuguese soaps makes your heart melt -- some cultures understand that beauty should extend to even the most quotidian objects. Eau de toilette, perfume, soaps, cosmetics, grooming products, room sprays, candles ... whether you prefer lilacs or lilies, sweetness or spice, you will leave here smiling.

The Skin Institute has been doing facials for fifteen years, and it offers some fourteen different versions, each tailored to specific skincare problems. While some treatments sound more like something you would want to order at a bar rather than slather on your cheeks (The champagne caviar facial? The tequila facial?), each concoction is developed for maximum effect. "They work too," assures director Sheila Treadway. "They're not just gimmicky." All the facials, including serious ones to treat clinical acne or sunspots, are priced from $60 to $80. "We try to assess what kind of skincare problems someone has beforehand, and we want the patient to decide based on that, not because one is cheaper than another." The Skin Institute takes a holistic approach as well -- suggesting changes in lifestyle to bring crazy skin under control. Best of all, there is no hint of snooty spa attitude: They've even been known to offer discounts to teenagers with bad acne.

The budget-minded fashionista wears her clothes until they have holes. She invests in sensible yet sexy apparel and stays abreast of trends not by purchasing a new outfit every weekend but through careful buys of low-budget accessories. The right baubles and bangles can speak volumes, and at the right jewelry store they cost less than $10. Adriana Bijoux is located in the middle of a wholesale fashion strip mall. The store is not much to look at from the outside, but its wares are available at both retail and wholesale prices. The salesgirls are sweet and helpful, and the jewelry is fashionable, colorful, and varied. Bracelets, earrings, and necklaces retail from $5 to $20, and the store also carries a decent selection of low-slung, big-buckle belts and snappy handbags. For even better bargains, bring a group of girlfriends and buy in bulk.

Franz Kafka was so sickly and miserable that he whiled away half his life in sanatoriums and wrote volumes about man's alienation in a grotesque, unintelligible, and hostile world. A visit to his funky South Beach namesake (open 7:30 a.m. to midnight) might have improved his humor. After all, its gracious staff and low-key atmosphere are enough to put even the most anxiety-ridden existentialist at ease. The pleasant vibe is thanks, in part, to the benevolent Deamici family, which owns and operates the business. Some member of the clan is usually around to lend customers a hand or, if needed, a sympathetic ear. Kafka Café also offers fast Internet access for just $4 per hour -- far cheaper than its South Beach competitors. And it has dozens of magazines you won't find elsewhere. Looking for the latest issue of Action Pursuit Games, the paintball enthusiasts' rag? Kafka has it, along with Feminist News Journal, Fly Tyer, and Concrete Wave. It also sells French, Italian, Arabic, and Spanish newspapers and cheaper-than-cheap used books. Hardcovers run just $3, softbacks a paltry buck. There's no discernible order to the shelving; The Ann Landers Encyclopedia sits cheek and jowl with Ice Hockey Made Simple and A Nietzsche Reader. So be prepared to do some trolling. But your effort will almost certainly be rewarded. And once you're done hunting, you can kick back on a sofa, enjoy some treats (think Nutella crpes, fruit smoothies, crisp salads, and espresso drinks). Or, better yet, take in some deliciously quirky art, like the armless, chartreuse-and-indigo mannequin that dangles from the ceiling.

Someday soon Internet access will be as free and universal as television or radio today. For Miami Beach that future is now. Following a national trend of city-provided wireless service, the Beach will install its much-anticipated network over the next few months. The service will be free to anyone with a wireless-ready computer system, and is expected to cover almost every neighborhood within city limits. Free wi-fi makes economic sense as a draw to visitors, and it is welcome competition for residents; however, its true value may be revealed only after the next hurricane. Following Wilma, disconnected residents searched all over town for a place to blog about the storm.

Ideally a tea shop should be like the beverage itself: inviting, soothing, and worth leisurely enjoyment in balmy afternoon hours. Tasty enough to share with your girlfriends, sweet enough to share with your mother. Théine captures that vibe to a tee, so to speak. Tucked away on a quiet Coral Gables street, the welcoming nook serves up delectable gourmet lunch and a truly noteworthy three-course tea service. Replete with dainty biscuits, cakes, scones, sandwiches, and tarts made by down-to-earth tea maven and store owner Kyra White, the extravaganza is well worth $25. When the soft-spoken waiter presents you with a handsomely bound menu of teas and tisanes, you'll feel like English royalty. Jasmine Pearl, Margaret's Hope, Mexican Chai, and Indian Darjeeling -- the perfectly steeped brew needs no taint of sugar or stain of cream, as the proprietress would recommend. But because she's an excellent hostess, bowls of adorable sugar cubes and a crystal decanter of milk sit daintily on each table.

If you prefer Fendi handbags but will accept the more budget-friendly "Fendi-inspired" variety, Mr. Pocketbook has your purse. Its flagship store in Miami's scrappy Fashion District (2850 NW Fifth Ave.) is a windowless cement block, but inside is a world of evening bags, wallets, totes, coin purses, satchels, and luggage. A sleek sequined shoulder bag retails for as little as $12 -- cheaper if you're buying wholesale -- and even the most flamboyant of shoppers will find a purse to her liking. Feathers? Buttons? Neon colors? Mr. Pocketbook has it all.

Drive down Miracle Mile and you'll begin to notice a subtle pattern. There's David's Bridal (39 Miracle Mile), Bridal City (326 Miracle Mile), and Coral Gables Bridal (141 Miracle Mile). There's Chic Parisien (118 Miracle Mile) -- specializing in, yes, bridal. Miracle Mile really should be renamed the Get Hitched Three-Quarter; all told, there are close to ten shops specializing in wares for the big day -- or days, if you're a multiple mater. (Plus the jewelry stories specializing in engagement rings.) So if you're about to tie the knot for the first, second, or fourth time and you need to bedeck bridesmaids or find a frock for a flower girl, there is no better place in Miami-Dade, or possibly the planet, than the Gables. And best yet, when all of your sartorial needs are met, you can take care of the icing on the cake, literally. Head to the Wedding Cake Gallery, conveniently located at 30 Miracle Mile.

The mind says Marc Jacobs sun dress, and the wallet says Target sweatpants. Mom called it "Champagne taste on a beer budget," but only those who have the malady know just how much it sucks. The afflicted are a persistent bunch, however. They will have their pretty clothes, and they will have them cheaply. Maruchi may not have chandeliers or a pianist on Saturdays, but brands like BCBG, DKNY, Juicy Couture, Esprit, and more can be found at reasonable prices. Name-brand jeans and bikinis for $30, dresses and shoes sometimes 60 percent cheaper than they should be. Maruchi is the mecca.

If you thought discreetly buying condoms was hard (no pun intended), try the checkout with a twelve-inch, double-ended, glow-in-the-dark dildo. Now that takes balls. All joking aside, we understand this sex-toy-buying business can be somewhat nerve-racking, which is why Déjá Vu Love Boutique gets our vote. Yes, the shop stocks the more traditional items such as Kamasutra lotions, candles, and skimpy lingerie, as well as toys from the Phallix collection, porn-star approved gadgets, and lower-price devices that keep your pocket (and other parts) happy. But it's the reassuring notion that a dirty old man is unlikely lurking in a corner of this well-lit shop that makes it a fave among the female clientele. In addition, rest assured that prices are competitive and shelves always well stocked with the latest, greatest, fastest, and strongest devices around. What's more, the staff is always friendly, unobtrusive, and polite. And they've got you covered if you fear even entering the store; this is 2006, so you can simply order your private products online.

When it comes to tattoos, there are two kinds of people: the mousy and the masochistic. The former usually squirm with fear and nausea when they hear the low hum of the ink gun as it nears their flesh. On the opposite end of the tolerance spectrum are the pain enthusiasts who seem almost elevated with euphoria as the needle pierces their skin a hundred times a second. The approach to being tattooed isn't the only point of contention among body-art fans. Quality and taste are often sensitive topics. Just the mention of South Beach and tattoos in the same sentence elicits eye-rolls from some elitists as they conjure up images of butterflies and tribal patterns. But there is one sanctuary where the two words don't produce a cringe from aficionados. Whether you have a sleeve or virgin skin, barb-wire biceps or sparrow-adorned hips, South Beach Tattoo Company can give you quality work. Ken Cameron and his inked buddies have an impressive repertoire that includes portraits and traditional, new-school, and Japanese styles. From Mark Ryden's Rose painting to decapitated Frankenstein's monster heads to fiery dragons, all works include vibrant colors, exact lines, and quality workmanship. First-timers need not worry about condescending retorts to their naive questions: The staff at South Beach Tattoo Company is not only talented but also pretty nice.

Take a deep breath. Slowly let it out. Crunch! Oh, yes. The thrill of the pierce -- that pain followed by an exhilarating endorphin rush -- is as exciting as the sparkly new ornament now dangling from your body. While most piercing places are really tattoo shops with a sideline, at New Age you don't have to hear that annoying buzz while you're waiting to add a little bling to your nostril, belly button, or tongue -- the most common piercings Luis has seen at the shop he's been poking around the past five years. "But people are starting to get more into cartilage," he adds. The shop was remodeled a few years ago, and it now glistens with glass cabinets and a counter filled with shiny, shiny rings and barbells. The soothing green color scheme is classy, and the tile floors are clean. "It's a little more inviting and clinical," says Luis. There's a sofa and television for chillin', and a case of scary medical tools to peruse while you're trying to keep your mind off that big needle that will soon be going through your tragus. But don't worry -- Luis has a gentle touch, and he's the sweetest and most charming piercer we've ever met. Tempted but not sure what you want to get done? The Website has photos that show almost everything -- including graphic images of impaled genitalia. Basic piercing ranges from $45 to $55, including starter jewelry and detailed care instructions. Luis will remind you to come back to have your piercing checked a few times. He cares about the hole he's put in your body.

Sebastian lounges on the plush floral sofa, while Peaches prefers the cool tile floor. Samantha perches in the wicker love seat; and as she turns her head, her Swarovski crystal and pearl necklace sparkles in the soft lamp light. For Chloe, lounging on the chaise is fine for now. But should any of the girls feel a little lonely, there is always a Lap Nanny nearby, ready to offer up TLC by scratching itchy lobes or rubbing biscuit-filled, burbling bellies. Welcome to Salon Poochini, a grooming spa, cage-free daycare, and hotel for pampered pooches. Much like their furry brethren who frequent other grooming shops, canine visitors to this place are familiar with the whirl of the clippers and the feel of shampoo on their wet fur. And much like their nonfurry owners who visit fancy groomers, customers here find high-end prices: A bath starts at $25, a haircut at $45, and an overnight stay at the hotel, including "daycare, meals, brushing, hugs, and kisses," starts at $55. Here purebreds and mutts alike enjoy extras such as the run of the shabby chic hotel, rhinestone barrettes, and the option of watching three huge flat-screen televisions. Of course all three TVs are set to one station: Animal Planet.

Your Yorkie is making lots of mistakes. Your dachshund is a runaway risk. And Sparky refuses to sit pretty. You can take care of these out-of-control hounds by contacting the K9 experts at the Miami Obedience Club. For the past twenty years, they've been teaching Miamians how to teach their dogs. This is no joke, no two-hour seminar. It starts with an intensive eight-week course -- you'll begin by learning the basics, such as simply how to get your dog's attention, but you'll soon progress to more complex tasks, like lying down, and staying. The Miami Obedience Club has a Montessori-like approach. It's all positive. Dogs are rewarded only for proper behavior; they're never punished. The school, which meets every Monday night, has swift-moving, hour-long classes, but it always includes homework. And if your pooch has potential, you can take more advanced classes. Three levels are offered at 80 bucks a class. This is the place to get your dog on the track to "best in show."

Owner Joann Gaetan has more than fifteen years of experience, and her enthusiasm for animals shows. She and her staff can spruce up even the frizziest of pets. Your Labrador can get a short hairstyle that will make him look like a shiny new pup. Your Yorkie will break loose of all those tangles and be left with glossy, mat-free locks. Full grooming ranges from $30 to $70 and up. Hours are Tuesday through Friday 7:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m., Saturday 8:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.

Sure. Maybe lots of vets can cure an iguana. But can they do a duck, a fish, and a rabbit along with the lizard all in one day? Exotic animal veterinarian Marc Kramer can. Dr. Kramer graduated from Cornell University College of Veterinary Medicine in 1999, and joined the staff of the Avian & Exotic Animal Medical Center in 2000. Soon he built a large and diverse client list. Exotic vets "are a rare breed around here," Dr. Kramer points out. "There aren't too many who want to work with anything other than dogs and cats...." Dr. Kramer didn't find his animal calling until he was in college. "I didn't come to that realization until my last year of college. I wanted to be a biologist. I always really loved animals; I knew I wanted to work with animals.... I got to work on a lot of field projects in different states and countries ... and I worked on wild animals." Some examples of the exotics he's treated include "unusual primates, like lemurs, bush babies, and other monkeys; porcupines; skunks; and anteaters," but he wonders why someone would want an animal -- like an anteater -- that has such a specific diet. "You have to make this insect gruel for them.... A lot of problems we see are people not feeding the exotic animals right and not keeping them in the right environment." But it is that variety in the job that keeps it exciting for the handsome young doctor. "Coming to work every day is a new challenge. I'm still seeing different animals, which keeps it fresh; we're pioneers." He recently performed surgery on a Siamese fighting fish and a water frog. "You have to put a special anesthesia in the water, and then take it out of the water to operate, while dripping the anesthetic water on its skin." Such a challenging career does keep him busy. "I don't have a normal, easy schedule. I'm on call after-hours," he says. That means he puts in plenty of nights and weekends. So what does he do with his little free time? "I like to get outdoors as much as I can, canoeing and kayaking around Key Biscayne and the Everglades, and I take salsa classes a few nights a week. I've been dancing for about two years." While you would think that a vet would have a menagerie of pets around the house, Dr. Kramer prefers to keep it simple. "I just have cats and turtles now. I enjoy everyone else's pets.... I don't want to have to come home and clean up a zoo." He also spends a lot of time on his computer, moderating a discussion group for exotic vets, and he writes for veterinary magazines and does presentations at conferences. "It's important to share the knowledge since this is such a small field.... There's a growing interest in vets going into exotics since there is such a demand for it."

"Would you like some popcorn?" asks the attendant, with a Cheesecake Factory-like smile. Then there are the free bagels, the full-service espresso bar, the comfy couches, the flat-screen TV sets, the periodicals. This is not a beauty salon or a Starbucks. It is simply the waiting room of The Car Wash. And that's not the best part; there's also the Fifties-era music, the cheery staff, the fact that as you're sipping a latte and reading In Style, your Ferrari is getting soaped, scrubbed, buffed, and polished by a whirlwind of man and robot. And the prices are fair: The entry-level Daily Wash is $9.95 (interior, exterior, window-cleaning -- pretty friggin' clean). The Works Wash goes for $19.95. Not only do the folks at The Car Wash do a fabulous job, but they also do it quickly. During our latest test, the dirty Pontiac became a spotless, pretty-smelling car in roughly fifteen minutes. But hey, The Car Wash's waiting room is so pleasant you actually feel like telling them to take their time.

What with the horrendous traffic, the endless construction on major roadways, and our immigrant-heavy population, driving in the Magic City can be a decidedly dangerous experience. If only more people learned from Victor Montalvo, owner and head instructor of A International Driving School. With the kind of patience that can be accrued only with more than 30 years of teaching, he ventures onto Miami's most chaotic roads every day, gently coaxing terrified students into the fast lane. Most of his clients are teenagers, who can sometimes be impatient with the slow-paced instructions of a 62-year-old man. Victor does some of his best work with the older adult pupils, whose fear of the road is a much more serious impediment. "My oldest student was a lady who was 74 years old," he says in a thick Ecuadorian accent. "She never drove before because she used to live in New York. When her husband passed away, she came to live close to her sons. But the son sent her to lessons, because he couldn't take her to the doctor or the supermarket, and she was spending too much money on taxi cabs. It took a while, but I taught her." Victor works almost every day. "I like to be involved with the students, to make sure they get their license. Now I'm getting old, but I keep teaching," he laughs. When asked if he ever gets annoyed with his job, Victor shrugs and says, "I try to be patient. There's too many bad drivers here." But one all-too-typical moving violation gets under his skin. "People will just jump from one lane to another, driving fast. I don't know what's the hurry. Sometimes when I'm teaching, they cut right in front of us, don't use an indicator, nothing. I say, oh boy! And I have to use the brakes and let them pass," he exclaims, increasingly animated. "When I see people doing stupid things like that, I always wish there were cops around to see. But I can do nothing except teach my students the right way."

You don't have to go to the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge to find cheap gas. This spankin'-new Hess station has fuel that consistently ranks among the area's least expensive -- ten to twenty cents less than other pumping places only blocks away -- at its twelve credit-card-ready pumps. There's one cheap diesel pump too. Air for your tires is free, the bathroom is clean, and the store is well stocked with, among other things, a beer selection that includes Red Stripe, Guinness, and Modelo. The station is open round-the-clock.

Do you still get chills when you think about buying a new bike? Or have you settled for getting a generic two-wheeler at Wal-Mart? Why not relive the excitement of your kiddy days and stop by Bike Tech. It carries cycles of the mountain, road, hybrid, and cruiser variety. Prices aren't bad. For instance, you can get a Raleigh Retroglide 7 for about $285. You'll find the right helmet and shoes and anything else you might need for your next ride. The place even has bike shorts to fit your five-year-old, and suits for that triathlon you've been saying you'll try. The staff is friendly and can answer any bicycle question. Professional mechanics can help with everything from a flat tire to a wheel that's not true (if you're not sure what that means, you'll find out next time a tire begins creaking against your brakes). Bike Tech also has a great discount program that gives members fifteen percent off purchases. It's open Monday through Friday 10:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m., and Saturday 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.; closed Sunday.

When Miamians are sick of things lying around their homes, many list said items on Craigslist. And this, my friends, is a way for two-wheel bargain hunters to snarf up a deal. A recent search turned up two $200 BMXs, in perfect condition, both being sold for less than $60. A slightly used GT was going for $25. If you're a total Cheapy McCheap, type in the maximum amount you're willing to spend next to the search box, and you'll get bikes in your range. If you can't be bothered to, like, exercise, you can also find used electric scooters. And if you're thinking of joining a Latino gang in L.A., every once in a while you can even find a custom low-rider bike. Most of the listings are in Miami, but there are also some in Hollywood and Fort Lauderdale.

Those who aren't scooter people have a difficult time trying to fathom how anyone can get on one of those things and traverse the Hummer-clogged streets of the Beach. But some people dig that squealing buzz, feeling the wind in their hair, and savoring the druglike effects of the blurring neon lights in their peripheral vision. If you're ready to hop on, call up South Beach Scooters and they'll ease you into it with a free lesson and friendly encouragement. Rentals range in price from $15 to $50 an hour with unlimited mileage, and brands include Peugeot, Daelim, MZ, TGB, Binetto, Mondial, and Adly. Still not feeling the scooter-dude in you? Maybe a Segway or one of those electric fun cars would be more your speed. The friendly staff will even pick you up and bring you back to the shop if you get, well, Hummered.

If money were no object, you'd be sipping bourbon on the back of your private yacht right now. Seeing as that hazy fantasy probably won't calm your ocean-going ganas, get a few friends together and split the cost of renting a craft at Beach Boat Rentals. Few powerboat rental places come close to Beach Boat's prices, and those that do usually bump up their prices for weekends and restrict your cruising range. At Beach, you have your choice of eight boats -- all with current-model-year, four-stroke outboards, according to owner Anthony Marzilli -- from a 22-footer with room for five to more expansive 24-footers with front deck seating. Prices for a two-hour rental range from $130 to $220, while four hours on the water will set you back $200 or more. Inquire about specials on half- and full-day rentals, tours, and charters. Gas and taxes are extra, and no deposit is required. Beach Boat Rentals is open from 9:30 a.m. to sunset every day.

One of the great things about big-city living Miami style is the ease of escape. When traffic jams and noisy people give us woe, we can board an eighteen-foot sloop, unfurl the main sail, and catch a ten-knot breeze. Once we're safely offshore, the wind powering us across Biscayne Bay, we can pour a few mimosas and enjoy a spectacular sunset. All is better. Miami, home of the U.S. Sailing Team training center, is a sailor's paradise. Problem is: We're not rich. We don't own a boat nor do we have maritime friends. So we go down to Matheson Hammock. The good folks at the Castle Harbor Sailing School have a dock filled with rentals. They're priced reasonably -- $50 an hour (if you take the Harbor 20s) or $60 for the Santana 22s. And if you want to go out with a large group -- charter a big boat -- the 35-foot Gone with the Wind can be yours for $400 a day. The Harbor 20s are specially equipped for quick rigging and novice sailors. Also, if we're a little concerned about our skills, we can take a freshen-up lesson at the Castle Harbor school, which is stocked with racing veterans.