Last night, Jimmy Fallon hosted the 62nd annual Primetime Emmy Awards, and he got about as many laughs as Hurricane Katrina, which hit five years ago yesterday.
Relying on a guitar, "funny" songs, and tweets from random Emmy viewers, Fallon once again proved to be the Keanu Reeves of comedy by thoroughly sucking. A pre-recorded bit with kids from Glee and cameos by Tina Fey, Betty White, and Kate Gosselin lacked originality, much like NBC's Thursday night lineup.
Fallon's best joke of the night wasn't even that good: "Some people in this business are so popular they can go by one name--Cher, Elvis, Rhianna--and some are so insecure they have to go by three. Please welcome Neil Patrick Harris." Doogie Howser's rebuttal, on the other hand, was good. He gave props to the Academy for allowing a gay man to host the Emmys two years in a row. Zing.
Maybe I have a personal bias against the Late Night host because NBC's
turned me down every time I've applied for a writing gig. Or maybe it's
because I know I'm funnier than he is -- in my sleep. I can do a
better job hosting the Emmy's hooked up to a dialysis machine.
To get a better idea of how badly Fallon sucked, rent Fever Pitch
and watch it while being water-boarded. That'll give you a good
assessment of what it felt like to watch NBC's version of the MTV Movie
Awards. Here are a few things I should have done instead of watching the
Emmys.
1. Watch paint dry.
I've painted several rooms in my life but have never actually watched
the paint dry on the wall. Don't touch it, don't touch it, and don't
touch it.... Okay, touch it. Sounds a little dull, but so were the Emmys.
2. Watch pre-season football
I don't know much about the NFL. I'm not a big sports guy, but I'll jump
on the bandwagon if the Dolphins go all the way. I recently agreed to
join my brother's fantasy league just to see what it's all about. Last night, the Steelers played the Broncos. I
could've done a freakin' scouting report instead of watching Fallon bomb.
3. Delete Facebook friends.
Every now and again I like to do a little social media clean up. If it's
a really hot girl that doesn't update her status all the time, she
stays. People I went to high school with but didn't really know, and
girls I've had drunken sex with are likely to be deleted. We have nothing
in common, and they're probably Jimmy Fallon fans.
4. Cook eggs and wait for salmonella symptoms to kick in.
What's the difference between a really bad stomachache and salmonella
poisoning? Salmonella comes from bad eggs and stomachaches are the
result of shit comedy. Get it?
5. Start #JimmyFallonJustBombedAgain trending topic on Twitter.
Maybe I would've gotten some relevant media coverage for starting an
anti-Jimmy Fallon campaign, or a couple more followers at the very
least.
--Victor Gonzalez
