Between the karate-chopping, road rage-fueled meatheads trying to fight fellow drivers at red lights or the YouTube influencers and crypto bros cosplaying as Formula 1 drivers in their rented Lamborghinis, driving in Miami is for thrill-seekers and adrenaline junkies. The rest of us are just along for the wild ride.
If you are new to the area and need a quick debrief on Miami drivers, the r/Miami subreddit has a guide. It even comes with nice illustrations!
Introducing: The "I-95 Miami Driver Starter Pack."
Cars in Miami are evidently not equipped with blinkers, as you will likely never see a driver use one before changing lanes.
"Blinkers sold separately," the starter pack warns.
Speed limits are optional, while road rage is mandatory. Your fellow driver is likely a crypto bro wearing sunglasses (even at night). They might have a vape in one hand and a gun in another, so don't get too comfortable with your horn. They love the one-finger salute. There is also probably an empanada in their lap.
"Only law that applies is 'Don't get caugh,'" the starter pack advises (yes, "caugh").
As you dodge dangerous Formula 1 wannabes, mind the invasive iguanas trying to cross the street. There is also never a "good" time to avoid traffic. Whenever you check Waze, it will probably tell you it will take one hour to go five miles.
However, Miami Redditors noted the starter pack is missing a few items.
"The Mercedes is actually an Altima with a stamped badge on it for extra flex," one wrote.
"It needs more drugs, alcohol, and an Altima," another noted.
Another said the packs need to include an "I am MDC" sticker from Miami Dade College, a Miami Heat "Vice" edition license plate, and the illegal tint.
"Definitely needs at least one blunt," reads one comment.
Miami internet users have been having a field day, creating starter packs for the 305. Before the driver starter pack, another (extremely sexist) made the rounds on Reddit.
The "Miami Real Estate Agent Starter Pack" features a voluptuous woman in a short, tight bodycon dress with a Louis Vuitton handbag, black sunglasses, a Starbucks coffee cup, and kneepads (*eye roll*).
No, the post is not insinuating that female real estate agents in Miami like to rollerblade.
"Sorry ladies, but there is some truth in this," the post reads. Distressingly, it got nearly 2,000 upvotes on Reddit.
Luckily, Miami's fiercest club doorman also got in on the fun:
