That, at least, is the premise of Shit Miami Girls Say: A Nightmare on Calle Ocho, which debuted on YouTube Thursday.
"Ay! Hello, and welcome to my tales from the crypt. This is a story about a white girl on a trip," declares a caped character, surrounded by a skull, candelabra, and, of course, pillar candles straight out of a botanica. "She traveled from Broward to check out the 305. But little did she know she'd be trying to stay alive."
Amber, the white girl in peril, stumbles through a dark, smoky landscape, encountering South Florida stereotypes such as mean-girl chongas, a food-pushing tía from Cuba, and an air-kissing papi chulo. Horror-film sound effects and a parody of the rhyme from A Nightmare on Elm Street add seasonal spookiness as these ghouls attack via slimy come-ons, Cuban food, and vicious insults: "Where did you get that dress, Burdines?"
Like the earlier films in Shit Miami Girls Say, the Halloween special skewers South Florida stereotypes in typical funny-because-it's-true fashion. But this video adds a new layer of social commentary, mocking Amber for her horrified reaction to Miami tropes that are not actually scary. Yes, the papi chulo's gross gesturing is creepy, especially in this #MeToo era. But equally off-putting is Amber herself. "Is this America?" she whines, later admitting, "I should have learned Spanish." No shit, honey.
By the end of the video, you'll have laughed at, and with, the ridiculous Miami characters, but you'll be glad you're not some white girl who can't handle a couple of croquetas.