Pepe Billete's Guide to the Best of Miami

This week, New Times released its annual Best Of Miami issue, highlighting its editors' opinions on the best Miami has to offer. For the second year in a row, I'm the proud winner of the reader's choice for Best Twitter, yet somehow, the guy responsible for choosing it officially for the paper chose someone else. They tell me it's a conflict of interest to give it to me because I work for the paper, pero i say VPLP.

So this year, I decided to cagarme en todo el mundo and do my own Best Of Miami picks for all of my readers. I've decided to only highlight the areas that I found important because:

1. I'm doing this alone, and this shit is a lot of work, and
2. This is my list y pongo lo que me sale del culo.

So here it is: The official Billete Best Of Miami (abridged version).

Best Place for a Guy to get a Haircut
The Chop Shop on Biscayne


mark of a good barber in Miami is different than most other cities.

Aqui cual quier comemierda te puede hacer un "fade", pero try to find a

guy that can fix your beard/mustache without making you look like you're

the lead singer of a bachata group. I don't know about you, pero ya yo

estoy muy viejo pa esa mierda. A couple of years ago, I was on my way to

meet up with una jevita en el downtown and I wanted get a little trim

on el bigoton beforehand to look extra pinguo. I stopped at a place that

happened to have the New Times "Best Of" winner's banner hanging

outside, and it absolutely blew me away. The place is called the Chop

Shop, and it's one of the most professional and diverse barber shops I've

ever been to. Ahi los barberos can do everything from make you look

clean and professional to shave una foto de una morronga on the side of

your head. "Money Mike", "Dee," and Ray are by far some of the most

talented, professional, and entertaining barbers in Miami. They'll make

you feel right at home from the second you walk in, and they won't let

you walk out of the place looking like a bootleg Wisin y Yandel. Y si te

gusta la jodedera, every Thursday, Club Space's own Dj Radamas hosts a

radio show from inside the shop. El lugar esta empingaisimo!

Best Place To Cheat on Your Wife/Husband
Tarro Boulevard


tu estas pegando tarros en Miami and you don't know about Okeechobee Road in Hialeah, estas mas perdido que un tete en el culo. Okeechobee Road from the 112 to about 12th Avenue in Hialeah is like the Vegas strip

of fuck motels. Seriously, it is absolutely amazing. There is something

there to accommodate every level of infidelity conceivable. From a one

night stand with una sucia, to a romantic night with your on-going

mistress, Tarro Boulevard has the motel you're looking for. My personal

favorite is called "The Executive," because each two-story room has its own

garage on the bottom floor. Eso si esta "classy" con cojones! I also

recommend this place as a final destination to any man over the age of

30 that still lives with his parents or in an efficiency in Hialeah

that's taking a girl home with him for the night. Your chances of

looking like un muerto will decrease dramatically and you can finally

stop making up elaborate guayabas to explain your living situation.

Best Local Photo Blog


me cago en el Instagram vente-mil veces. I am convinced that app is run

by a bunch of comunistas. They've kicked me off twice after having

accumulated well over 5,000 followers, simply because one or two people

didn't like some of the pics I posted. No warning, no strikes, nada.

Just a swift VPLP. I only used Instagram because, like most men, I like

looking at culo and interesting shit. Da la casualidad que there is a

local site that is dedicated to posting just that. Deadfix is a

photoblog that makes no qualms about what it posts. Jeva, carro, yerba y

culo. Just the right combination to keep any man entertained for hours

while he procrastinates at work.

Best Person to Call When You Are in Tremenda Candela
Franklin Jara and Associates


needs un tipo de confiansa that they can call when they are in a bind.

Just recently, The Huffington Post did a story on me que por poco me da

un infarto pa la pinga. I called Franklin and he put me at ease

immediately. Mind you all of this occurred on a weekend, and Franklin

and his staff went out of their way to give me all of the legal advice I

needed at a time cuando me estaba cagando en la hora que naci. That's

the kind of personalized service a lawyer should give you. Don't settle

for anything less.

Best Local DJ
Dj Nalgas

Miami is home

to two of the best DJs in the world: Oscar G and DJ Craze. You can

catch them performing at some of the best parties in Miami on occasion,

but these guys have stepped into a realm of notoriety all their own. It's

unfair to compare them to the guys on the grind at the local level.

For that reason, I have to give the title of Best Local DJ to Dj

Nalgas. In a time when every comepinga with an iPod and a computer calls

himself a DJ, the test of the true DJ comes in his ability to read a

crowd, and in that arena, Dj Nalgas is tremendo pingu. He's gained

notoriety from starring in my Facebook Comemierdas video, but the guy is

much more than just a talented actor. Yes, he will probably try to

sonarte un pingaso if you look halfway decent, pero his name is DJ

Nalgas. Que coño tu esperas?

Best Strip Club
Club Playmates


me, a strip club is a place where the transaction between the stripper y

el macho is clearly defined. I give you money, y tu me paras la pinga.

While I am a huge fan of King of Diamonds, that place is more like

the Cirque du Soleil of bollo than it is a strip club. All the dancers

are acrobats that just happen to be naked. While it is a pretty amazing

place, KOD is for people that don't mind blowing a couple thousand

dollars in a night just to look like un pingu. I can respect that. Pero

don't embarrass yourself by going there if you're just a regular guy on a

budget that wants a lap dance and a drink. Pa eso, metete en Club

Playmates in Coral Gables. The girls are gorgeous, the drinks are

reasonably priced, and you don't have to spend two months' worth of checks

to look like un pingu. Every time I go, me paso la pimera hora hablando

with the bartender they call "Cream" about how great Los Heat are, and

looking at her pechugas. Afterwards me compro una botella en el VIP that

usually lasts me the whole night, y a gozar bollo! How can you beat

that, pipo? (If you're really hard-up on cash and you don't mind a

c-section scar or two on your dancers, metete pal Stonewall en Hialeah,

pero make sure you take a body condom and a Z-Pak with you.

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Miami New Times staff