Miami Beach Jellyfish Issues a Warning to Beachgoers

My existence stings. Yes, I'm pretty. Hypnotic even. Lucid and beautiful. Yet no one appreciates me. The real me. I'm just a nuisance! Do you ever feel like that? Is your prettiness also a poison? Do people look at you and run away? Are they scared of your beauty? It sucks. Like a gypsy outcast, no one wants to see me. I'm alone. There are many of us, but we vacillate through the sea alone. I don't want to be a nuisance.

Granted. I'll shut down your beach. Have you standing there like hands-across-the-sand. But I didn't ask to be beached. The ocean knows not pity. You see. Our lives don't last long. When the purple flag is waving at the lifeguard stand that is our banner, our Ole Glory, it's William Wallace time!! Fre-e-e-e-dom!!

So let us rest in peace. Tell those Pinecrest and Kendall kids to stop

poking us with sticks. Because we're capable of being a real pain. Hell

hath no fury like a jellyfish scorned. Trust me. Keep pissing me off. It will end with you peeing on yourself.

With wrath I'll strike down upon every

British and German tourist I see. Duck-dive a wave and you'll find me on

your face. You'll look like crew on The Flying Dutchman.

Continue to poke and prod, and I will sting because I AM a bitch.

Remember. Disrespect breeds contempt, even from the vulnerable.


want to hear a story? I had a girlfriend. Rachel. She washed upon your

shores ready for her salvation. Listen to this. Some hack wannabe Nip & Tuck

black market plastic surgeon picked her up and actually used her as a

breast implant. Stuck her in some Colombiana's chest in an office off of

Flagler!! Talk about disrespect. Sheesh!!

I will never

understand humans. Why change what is naturally beautiful? You're so

fake, Miami. God gave you a face yet you make yourself another.

Understand the power in being yourself!! Look at me. Admire my

naturalness. Then leave me alone.

Leave us all alone. Don't

pollute our waters with oil. Don't crush our reefs with commerce and

nosiness. And don't poke us with sticks when we reach our final


We don't want to sting you. It is just a natural

defense mechanism. We are here. And then we are gone. Life is too

fragile and delicate, just let us be. You might have seen me lately. We

were here in droves and then left. You can blame Irene. Her off-shore

winds blew us away. So you can have your beach back, for now. But be

weary. We will return.

And when that happens, just leave us alone.

That's all I want. To be left alone. Have you ever felt like that? Have

you ever stung someone out of defense? Yes, Miami. I think you can


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