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Dancing With The Stars Finals, Night One: Viva William Levy!

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Last week we had to bid farewell to Maria

Menunous and Derek, and with them, the last shred of drama on Dancing With The

Stars. William Levy, Katherine Jenkins and Donald Driver are all very

accomplished dancers, for celebrities at the very least. But they also seem to

be nice people who don't blow up at their partners at the drop of the hat,

which is probably part of the reason why they got so far.

But let's face it -- stupid drama is half the fun of this show. Maybe if we're lucky we'll get a montage of Jaleel White's

greatest hits tomorrow night!

On the upside, at least William Levy is making Cuba proud (or as proud as a DWTS contestant can make a nation of people, anyway) by sticking it out until the very end. We'd stay out of Little Havana tonight if we were you, just in case Levy doesn't win it all and rioters take to the streets. Or something.

William Levy and Cheryl start the finale's

"judges' choice" round with a cha-cha to Pink. Did you know that last night was also

the finale to the TV series House? It's true! It's no longer going to be on TV

anymore with new episodes. Remember when the whole country had House fever and

it was the only illness House couldn't cure? We hope that William Levy's career

takes off and he stars in a Spanish language adaptation of House called "Casa."

That was a perfect joke, just like their dance. They earn a 30.

Katherine Jenkins and Mark paso doble for their

judges' dance. Judge Len helps them

with their dance, which is the obligatory once-a-year matador-inspired dance.

Guys, there's not that much more you can do with the bullfighting cliché. There's going to be a rose and a slain bull and not much else. Move on to

another barbaric sport, like cockfighting or professional football. They get a

30.

Donald Driver and Peta finish the first round

of dances with an Argentine tango to Jem. The judges encourage the couple to

have less filler in their dances. So naturally they start their dance with a

little act where Donald crumples up a piece of paper in a move that wasn't

filler at all. What was on that paper? Not to promote baseless speculation, but

maybe Donald and Peta are terrorists hellbent on carrying out their mission,

which at the very least would add some intrigue to the finale. The judges give

them a 29.

The second round of the finale is the Freestyle

Challenge, where the only rule is there are no rules. Seriously, no rules at

all. Sure, they're likely going to adhere to the basic aesthetics of

ballroom dancing, but hypothetically they could get up there and eat a meatball

sub, which hasn't been done on DWTS since Chaz Bono was on last season.

William

and Cheryl dance to Shakira earning a 29, Katherine and Mark do a very

versatile dance for their second 30, and Donald and Peta end the evening's dance

with a cha-cha to Cowboy Troy. Really, Cowboy Troy? The rapping cowboy friend

of Big & Rich? That's the route you decided to go in the finals? You

couldn't have picked that Eurotrance version of "Cotton-Eyed Joe"? For whatever

reason they are rewarded for their decision, getting a perfect 30.

That's it for night one of the Dancing With The

Stars finale, but the competition isn't over yet. Tonight is the 24-hour dance

challenge, where the teams must learn a dance overnight. It's just like

studying for finals in school, except far less snorting Ritalin. We assume, anyway.

Who's looking

good so far? Katherine and Mark have been flawless, but we love a Miami

connection so it'd be hard not to cheer for William Levy and Cheryl. See you tomorrow

night!

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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