It's that time of year again. The beaches are packed, the bars are slinging shots all night, and the petty thieves of Miami Beach have thousands of easy marks. Spring breakers have returned.
And no one is happier than the tourist-junk-shilling shops along Lincoln Road and Washington Avenue. Each year, these classy establishments -- you know, the ones with the mannequins modeled after genetically modified porn stars -- turn out a new batch of T-shirts aimed at drunken college students with stunted senses of humor.
Sometimes they reference pop culture. Sometimes they announce how badly their wearer wants to get laid. Either way, they're important indicators for those of us who live here year-round: When you see these shirts, you know to avoid the person inside it. Or try to score a one-night-stand if you're desperate. Spring break be not proud.
1. Boobies Make Me Smile
Then you, sir, have come to the right place (by which we mean a tourist trap with double-D mannequins in the windows).
2. Miami Bitch, With a Side of Boobs
It's midnight in South Beach. The moonlight is magical. A guy in a "Boobies Make Me Smile" tee stumbles on his way to the Clevelander and is helped to his feet by a beautiful woman. As he stands, he locks eyes... on her tank top with bare breasts airbrushed on it. Who says there's no such thing as love at first sight?
3. The Freudian Cigar
Subliminal message: You're doing it wrong.
4. "I Get This From My Dad" onesie
When you're buying your stupid and offensive spring break attire, it's important to ask yourself: Who benefits? In this case, it's not the father with the baby wang. It's not the mother, who's so sexually dissatisfied that she's using her child to act out her passive aggression. And it's certainly not the baby, who's doomed to a lifetime of therapy the moment he's dressed in this gross getup.
Look, Einstein was cool. But South Beach spring break is about tanned, lunky himbos, not an intelligent white guy who uses no hair product.
6. Free Hugs
Aw, an adorable kitten that wants a hug! Aw, your adorable baby, who is adorable like the kitten! Aw, South Beach's most terrifying locals now have free license to touch your child! Aw, take it off your kid. Seriously, she's going to get kidnapped.
7. Got Molly?
Whether you're referring to MDMA or the child in question above, the answer is probably yes.
8. Girls Gone Wild film crew
It's funny because boobies! But part of the proceeds from each T-shirt sold probably go to Joe Francis, and that is unacceptable.
9. Harlem Shake
Or, y'know, don't. Seriously, stop it.
10. Hello Titty
Turning the children's character Hello Kitty into a sex object is a prime example of society's sexualization of youth, which can have disastrous effects on the emotional development of young people, especially young girls without strong role models, but whatever, let's go do shots and get sunburned.
11. I Survived Spring Break
Not if I find you first.
12. F*** Me, I'm Famous
F*** you, you're lying.
On the surface, these fake-lifeguard tees aren't that offensive. But what happens when somebody on the beach actually needs a lifeguard, and some drunk asshole in this T-shirt gets pushed into the job instead? Minus 100 points for lack of social responsibility.
14. I'm Loving It
Somewhere in the Midwest, the failed standup comic who created this T-shirt is trying so hard to write a bit about how "women are like fast food, am I right?" (He's failing, obviously.)
15. Thrift Shop
Fact: This T-shirt costs $25.
16. I'm Still in Miami Bitch
Redfoo and SkyBlu are on hiatus. Will LMFAO's reign of terror in this city never end?
17. Sexy and I Know It
No. No, it will not.
18. No Boyfriend, No Problem
You had me at "no." Then you kept going.
19. Party Naked
This shirt would make a lot more sense if it said "Haulover" instead of "South Beach."
20. Shark Attack
"Some people come to South Beach for the beaches. Others (a lot of them, judging by the T-shirts in this roundup) come for the boobies. Me, I just have this weird fantasy about getting my leg chewed off by a shark. Wanna hang out?"
Aaaaand YOLO. Because YOLO. Always YOLO.
Follow Ciara LaVelle on Twitter @ciaralavelle.
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