Ranking South Florida's Creepiest Mascots
HotShot-Strikers Facebook

Ranking South Florida's Creepiest Mascots

This past Monday night, the Los Angeles Clippers unveiled their new mascot: Chuck the California Condor. Unfortunately for Clippers fans, it was not therapy-session-giveaway night. The image of Chuck will haunt their dreams until the end of time. Chuck's ill-fated debut got us thinking: Which of our South Florida mascots are creepiest? On a scale of one to Chuck-the-bloodthirsty-California-strangler-Condor, where do our furry pals rank?

Here is how the South Florida creepy-mascot power ranking went down. 

Ranking South Florida's Creepiest Mascots

8. Burnie (Miami Heat)

Burnie was born with a green basketball as a nose yet somehow is the least creepy mascot in South Florida. Think about that. Everyone loves Burnie. During a single game, you might see Burnie dance to Beyoncé and shake it to golden oldies. He sees no color, age, or gender — you're judged only by your Heat fandom. The one downfall of Burnie is he always has this curious look on his face that makes you wonder if he's not quite sure if you're food, but other than that, he's as lovable as they come. 

Ranking South Florida's Creepiest Mascots
@StanleyCPanther

7. Stanley C. Panther (Florida Panthers)

Stanley C. Panther really should be the least creepy mascot on this list, but we don't know him as well as Burnie, so we're playing it safe. Though it wouldn't surprise us if Burnie were living a secret double life that involved cocaine and escorts, Stanley C. is just just a big ol' teddy bear you want to snuggle with in a cold ice rink. Negative points here for the tail dangling between the legs, but our minds tend toward the gutter. It's a tail. Keep telling yourself: It's a tail. Stanley is the sort of mascot you could call if your car needed a jumpstart outside a Walmart at 1 a.m. 

Ranking South Florida's Creepiest Mascots
@RoaryThePanther

6. Roary the Panther (Florida International University)

Look at Roary — he's just a fun-loving guy. He's so much fun we almost look past the fact that he's not wearing pants. Almost.  Not really. It's definitely weird that he's dressed like an FIU sorority girl ready for bed. On top of that, we realize he took the time to put on shoes, but not pants, which brings up an entire new set of questions. Roary also tends to make us uncomfortable with the way he is constantly holding his tail, but that's something we can work on. Stop, Roary! We don't want to look at your tail! Yes, we see it gets fatter at the end! Put on some damn pants!

Ranking South Florida's Creepiest Mascots
Wikipedia

5. Sebastian the Ibis (University of Miami)

This has nothing to do with legacy or tradition. This has everything to do with the eyebrows, the oddly outdated hat, and the beak-twisting move for which Sebastian is famous. Sebastian permanently has the confused look a mean dog gives you right before it turns on your ass. It's that look a German shepherd gives you the moment before the shit hits the fan. The next thing you know, you're standing on top of a Honda Civic and begging for someone to call animal services. 

Ranking South Florida's Creepiest Mascots

4. Billy the Marlin (Miami Marlins)

By most mascot standards, Billy the Marlin is pretty tame. But his nose, for so many reasons, makes us extremely uncomfortable. Billy has been around the block for quite some time, so at this point we just assume he's harmless. Until he kills your family because you wouldn't sell your home to the Marlins so they could build a new parking garage. We're also fairly certain Billy takes his Marlins paycheck directly to the racetrack. He probably has a drinking problem and smells like cigars. He reeks of regret. 

Ranking South Florida's Creepiest Mascots
T.D. The Miami Dolphins Mascot Facebook

3. T.D. (Miami Dolphins)

Totally nothing creepy about a dolphin with human appendages — nope, nothing at all wrong with that. T.D. doesn't even try to be a dolphin, which makes things worse. He just goes about his day like a normal dude, acting like you won't notice his head is that of a dolphin. T.D. puts his hands on his hips way too much, like wayyyy too much. It's getting to the point where it's obvious he's either implying something or really proud of the heat he's packing under those strings. 

Ranking South Florida's Creepiest Mascots
via @FAUTransfer

2. Owlsley the Owl (Florida Atlantic University)

The longer you look at Owlsley, the more you're certain behind those bright-blue eyes is a mascot capable of committing cold-blooded murder. Owlsley probably looks at your girlfriend just a tick too long. Owlsley can't speak, and his go-to move is to point at people, which is a combination that makes us have 911 pre-dialed just in case we need someone to hear our cries for help when he strikes. 

Ranking South Florida's Creepiest Mascots
HotShot-Strikers Facebook

1. Hot Shot (Fort Lauderdale Strikers)

Hot Shot is probably a nice guy, but his cartoon head is straight-up nightmare fuel. He is two-sentences-of-speaking-Latin away from us calling a priest and scheduling a barn exorcism. If you awoke to find Hot Shot standing over your bed and you beat him to death with your alarm clock, no jury in the land would convict you. Look at the concern on the faces of these children Hot Shot is visiting. You'll count one-half of a smile. You can actually see people identifying the nearest exit. It's clear the adults in the room aren't even sure who invited Hot Shot. He just showed up. 

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