As Memorial Day approaches, Miami Beach is gearing up to make tens of thousands of Urban Beach Week visitors feel like unwelcome houseguests who deserve to be ripped off and thrown in jail.
The city can change mayors, commissioners, and managers, but it doesn't seem to matter. They all get the same memo that lays out racist guidelines for dealing with large, predominantly African-American crowds. It reads something like this:
Dear [insert name of Miami Beach politician or bureaucrat]:
As you settle into your new post, please consider this: One of your most important responsibilities is to make black people uncomfortable during Memorial Day weekend. Turn the city into a police state whether or not our visitors spend millions on hotels, restaurants, nightclub parties, and scooter rentals.
You'll want to deploy the city's entire police force and bring in reinforcements from other law enforcement agencies to harass and intimidate our guests, particularly if they are black. Over the years, we've closed Ocean Drive to traffic, placed checkpoints near the causeway entrances to the city, and deployed license-plate readers to target visitors with suspended licenses or arrest warrants. For 2018, we have a special surprise: We'll ticket motorists who play loud music and even threaten to arrest noise offenders.
Of course, these tactics usually lead organizations like the NAACP to condemn us for cracking down more on Urban Beach Week than non-minority events. Pay no attention! It is our job to cater to the racists. We don't want non-minorities cowering at home because there are predominantly black crowds enjoying our beautiful beaches and sunny weather.
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Last year, we hosted an air-and-sea show. We said it was to honor the U.S. military. But really, we just thought it would help turn away black tourists because they'd have a harder time booking hotel rooms. Don't talk to the public about this!
One other thing: Encourage local business owners to make as much money as they can this Urban Beach Week. Don't enforce price-gouging laws. Let hotel owners charge five times the normal room rates. It's no problem if valet companies nail drivers for $300. And look the other way if restaurants and bars charge ridiculous prices for a hamburger with a daiquiri.
With luck, we can force Urban Beach Week to relocate to Miami Gardens. That's where most of the black-oriented events are held anyway. Of course, we can't outright tell African-Americans not to come to Miami Beach. But we can spank them, beat them, take their money, and throw them in jail.
Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.