Teenage Fan Club

The arrival of a 2007 calendar perplexed The Bitch. Wasn't 2006 only three months old? She could conceive and birth several litters of puppies between now and 2007.

And then she read this description of the calendar's contents: "For centuries, golfers around the world have been mesmerized by the smooth, supple, rolling hills of the golf course. The deep, tranquil bodies of water and the trees which stretch lazily to the sky; the exhilaration of the perfect drive! Now, The Bare Essence of Golf combines the beauty, grace, and elegance of the game of golf with the artistic sensuality of a woman's body. Curvaceous women and golf. What could be more alluring?"

Hmm ... a nude dude splayed across a hockey goal? Or is that too blue-collar? "Just envision what it must be like to move all around the golf course," slavers the calendar, "never knowing what voluptuously au naturel female may swing into your imagination."

What swings into the dog's imagination at the sight of naked females rolling around in pesticide-lush greenery with golf clubs, or emerging Venus-like from water hazards, is a nightmarish vision of an unfortunate skin reaction — or limbless agony inflicted by six-eyed water monsters that live off the golf balls and women who stray into their toxic puddles. But if that strikes your erotic fancy, the calendar is published by Art of Light, Inc. in Miami.

"The beauty and elegance of the game mimics a woman's body," says locally based photographer Ray Alonso. The calendar was his idea, one he says is unique and appealing. "Golfers are eclectic — which isn't to say aristocratic," he explains, "but they're into not only the beauty of the golf course but also other things: art, cigars, women...."

Alonso shot the calendar at golf courses around South Florida — the names of which he would rather not disclose — although the grounds of the Palmetto Golf Course at the Country Club of Miami and the rocky outcroppings at the links at Crandon Park are easily recognizable.

Floored Escorts
The Bitch needs only to peruse the back pages of this newspaper to ascertain that the occupation of "escort" is lucrative indeed. But until recently, she never realized the depths to which human females will sink to score a few Franklins: providing the "full girlfriend experience" for kinky tourists and business-tripping executives.

Ewwww! Thanks to former escort agency owner Steven Weiner, this conservative Catholic canine now knows more than she ever cared to know about Miami's underground flesh trade.

During a recent interview, Weiner (yes, that is really his last name) shared his experience running an escort service to help promote a yet-to-be-made independent film based on his double life as Orlando-based electrical contractor/Miami-based sex peddler.

So how did you end up selling booty?

It was right after 9/11. I was married to a beautiful Venezuelan woman. We have two kids. We were living in Orlando, but I would bring the family down to Miami on the weekends. I had a serious midlife crisis and developed this double life. Most guys would have had an affair or get a mistress. I built a successful escort service agency. I ran it from the end of 2001 until 2004.

Why did you leave the business?

Because my wife left me after she found out. I tried explaining to her that I wasn't fucking these girls but that I was running an escort service. The more I explained, the worse it got. I asked her to let me sell the business so I could save the marriage, but she decided to leave me anyway. She told all of her family and our friends. I lost everything. I thought she was going to rat me out to the police too.

Why are you publicizing your life as a pimp?

Well, escorts are not streetwalkers, and I treated escorting like I did my legitimate businesses. So I wasn't really a pimp. But to answer your question: I decided to tell my story because I have nothing left to lose.

Aren't you concerned this saga might pique the interest of law enforcement?

No. I have never been the target of an investigation. And I've been out of the business for more than a year now, so what can they accuse me of?

How does the escort game work?

Everything is done over the phone. Some girls would rent condos and offer in-call service, which means the client comes to visit them at their place. Other girls would do out-call service and go meet the client at their hotel or apartment. The client would call me and tell me what kind of girl they want. I would check to see who was available and set up the date. Some girls will do eight to ten guys in one day and make thousands of dollars. Normally it's a 50/50 split. But I would give some girls, the real knockouts, a 60/40 split. I would collect my money within 24 hours.

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The Bitch

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