Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series. For more mugshots from Broward and Palm Beach, check out The Pulp.
Charged with: Aggravated battery, domestic violence
"Dat"? "Day"? "Pat"? Why?
Charged with: Aggravated battery
First he's arrested in some crazy apocalyptic bare-knuckle boxer getup, then in a Heat jersey, and now in prison-issue orange. This guy is like the Ken doll of mugshots -- you can dress him however you want. Next, we're requesting a unitard.
Charged with: Drinking on the street
This guy's mugshot is a better motivational poster than those "Hang in there, kitty!" photos with the cat dangling from the rope. (Which is saying a lot -- those posters work.) Screw your problems, yuppie, this dude just got arrested for the crime of having a cold one at home, but he doesn't have a home because he really likes cold ones, which should be a crime only if you're a total dick. But he does not give a fuck. Bring on the green baloney sandwich -- he gets hungry when he's drunk.
Charged with: Grand theft third degree
This lady is ready for her "Tell Me a Joke and See if I Laugh World Tour." You could put Chris Rock and Louis C.K. onstage with material they prepped for years relating especially to her life and family, and she would just look at them like they were trying to explain her calculus at 4 a.m.
Charged with: Aggravated battery on a law enforcement officer
Tattoo artists who stamp the forehead of an otherwise fine-looking gentleman like this one should toss and turn at night with the thought of the 401(k)s they've cost the world. They should hang a sign above their tattoo chair reading, "4,873 people made unemployable and counting!"
Charged with: Cocaine possession, resisting officer without violence, disorderly intoxication, prowling
Of course she was prowling. What a circa-1980s charge.
Charged with: Possession of more than 20 grams of cannabis, driving with license suspended
That's right, I'm including her just because I like her shirt. It's my last day -- I can do what I want.
Charged with: Drinking in public
Man, even Kobe Bryant's dad showed up to see me off? I'm verklempt. (Don't worry, we have a fine Mugshots Friday-administrating protégé lined up.)
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SHOW ME HOW
Charged with: Fugitive on an out-of-state warrant
Sir, are your tattoos supposed to make a grown man weep? You got the one bird going one way, and then the flock on your neck going the other... I'm sorry, I'm going through a lot right now, I shouldn't be reading so deeply into your tattoos.