Magic City Kitty - Help, I'm a Hi-Tech Call Girl!

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Hello, Kitty

A few nights ago I was at a club with a few of my girls and we got reeeally hammered. More like flashing-random-bathroom-attendants tipsy than unconscious-in-the-ER drunk, but out of control is out of control, right? Anyway, we partied pretty hard, and by the end of the night I was glued to my phone, texting like a wild woman. I was playing phone roulette, sending all types of freaky messages to ex-lovers. The next day, I was bombarded with “Girl, I’m coming to give you this good dick” texts. This is becoming a pattern for me, both the night-of text-fests and the morning-after regret. I don’t usually (I said usually) follow through with the drunken plans that I make, but please help before this gets me in trouble.

Tex. S. Toast

Dear Tex,

Hmmm common problem ya got there. The next time you’re sending out a booty-text, look around the club and I bet you’ll see dozens of other cellys lit up and engaged in erotic exchanges. And I can even put my own two cents in and let you know that this Kitty has gotten slizzzured and climbed up the wrong tree a few times herself, if you know what I mean. So Tex, your question is definitely one that needs to be addressed. Because unlike its prehistoric cousin - the drunk dial, the drunken text is easier to execute under any circumstance. You could be taking communion from the pope himself, texting someone for an ass-appointment, and no one would be the wiser – but that’s between you and God, hon.

Plus, when you type in words and press “send,” there’s no sober voice on the other end to bring you back to reality, so you’re liable to say some shit that you would NEVER say out loud. All in all, the drunken text is a pretty bad call – no corny pun intended. My advice to you – and myself - is to text the all the dirty, sappy freaky shit to the people you’re getting drunk with. They’ll realize that it’s the Grey Goose texting them and not you, and laugh you off. But Miss Toast, make sure that you tell your girls the plan because one of those heffas might be so drunk that she may actually think that your “Fuck me” text was for her, and she might take you up on your offer. Hey, no theory is without it’s flaws – and since when is an opportunity to get to know a friend a little better not a good idea?

Got a question? Email the Magic City Kitty.

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