Jersey Shore Damage Report: The Guidos Come to Town

Just a few months ago everything was right in the world. South Beach was home to its own particular brand of party trash, and the world's most famous guidos and guidettes were in their native Long Island/Statan Island/Rhode Island settings. Then MTV shook everything up and decided to set Snooki, the Situation and the other various tanned, gelled, and plucked creatures loose towards South Florida. In the first episode a rat from the past sneaks her way back into the house, a gorilla deals with the tough human emotion of love, and Snooki does laundry like a friggin' pilgrim from the '20s.

Hosting these societal misfits was a mixed blessing. This is Miami, we'll take anyone really, the good or the bad. And this case the good means Snooki. Humans have mated and reproduced and exchanged genes for thousands and thousands of years, and yet never has there walked a creature on this earth quite like Snooki. We may not agree with her politics (she likes McCain because he would have never put a tax on indoor tanning, obviously the most pressing issue of our lives. Two wars? Touchy moral issues? Recession? Who cares) but Snooki is a beautiful goddess of unique quality.

Then of course there are the others: Ronnie (an actual gorilla who escaped from the Bronx zoo one day and got electrolysis), Jenni (who had fake boobs and the brain of a tough talking mob enforcer implanted in her body on the same day), Mike "The Situation" (a succesful teen body builder who got his face ripped off one day in a tragic accident and had it replaced with that of a 47-year-old man), Sammi (a future Long Island MILF in training), DJ Pauly D (a man whose brain matter consist entirely of hair gel), Angelina (a rare breed of dumpster rat only found in Staten Island who can only speak the human word "classy"), and Vinny (literally just some random dude who's along for the ride for some reason or another).

They all set off for Miami on planes, trains and automobiles. Along the way Pauly and Mike get their SUV stuck in the mud and shoot off fireworks, and JWoww and Snooki encounter a man in South Carolina who, as Snooki says, "Fucks his sister for a living," and discover the joys of fried pickles.

Then the moment we had all feared for months occurred: they set foot in Miami. First Mike and Pauly show up, to be greeted shortly after by Angelina. Which cause Mike to make this expression on his weathered 47-year-old face:

Last season Angelina, the dumpster rat, scurried off after only three episodes because she was dating a married man who broke her heart and did not understand the human concept of "work." So she sat home in her dumpster, read the clipping from the tabloids people throw away, realized everyone else got famous, and decided to come back to get in on this "fame" thing. In fact, she has evolved some since the first season. She now uses actual luggage, just like real humans, instead of trash bags. She decides to room with Pauly and Mike and suggests that a drunk threesome might be in the future, which is a thought so natural and right it's almost beautiful, but vomit worthy at the same time.

The others start piling in. First Sammy, and then Vinnie and Ronnie. Of course, Sammi and Ronnie made sweet, sweet guido love last season, but broke up in between. Poor Sammi doesn't know what to do when she hears the various grunts and howls of her old gorilla lover as he enter the house. She can't see him. Not yet anyway, and she shed a quiet tear while remembering the rough embrace of the beast she loved. Poetic really.

Of course it's not a show yet. Not by far. We're still missing the two biggest pieces of the cast. The producers saved the best for last, and Snooki and JWoww finally arrive. Snooki in all her wondrous glory, and JWoww in a dress that looks like a slutty cupcake.

The other housemates, while checking out their new digs at the Metropole (which sounds like the name of a civic strip club), nearly step on Angelina, the rat, and scream "Omg, kill it, kill it!" But Angelina pleads, "classy," and her life is spared.

So let's see there is some hot tubbing, some hair gelling, and some primitive laundry.

JWoww accidentally destroys a closet in the pad and gets wine all over the girls wardrobes. This leads to Snooki doing some makeshift laundry and dropping, what according to my Tumblr dashboard anyway, was the quote of the night:

Last night we were truly all pilgrims from the (bleep)in' 20s, and pilgrims did laundry in sinks with running water back in the 1920s and talked with cowboy accents, according to Snooki. I don't know what kind of Thanksgiving plays they put on in Long Island elementary schools, but apparently they aren't like ours.

Later, as the crew prepares to head out, Snooki and Sammi share some deep thoughts about Ronnie.

"I just feel like i don't know," says Sammi.

"I know exactly how you feel," says Snooki.

Let the subtle comedy of that sink in.

Of course we have no breakthroughs on the subject, because the girls hear a strange squeaking in the back of the cab. Angelina the rat has snuck in yet again, and is chewing on some Cheetos she found in the backseat. She tried to bite JWoww's ankle, and JWoww wants to stomp on her with her stilettos.

"I'm classy, I'm classy," squeaks the rat.

"Oh fuck no bitch, you from Statan Island," replies JWoww.

Snooki just sits by and wonders if the little rat can cook dinner like that Pixar movie she saw.

The fight subsides and the group heads to Ocean's Ten, a place that not only have I never heard of, but no one I have ever heard of has heard of.

Here is where Sammi and Ronnie first confront each other, which of course leads to an argument. I wasn't sure about what exactly. I mean they were using actual words that sounded angry, and yet none of it made sense. Ronnie bellowed things like "ungrateful," and "I'll always win," and eventually the c-word while Sammi just stuttered and sobbed.

Defeated, she heads home with JWoww and Snooki in tow.

The remaining guidos, the boys and the rat, decide to head to B.E.D. an actual place we've heard of, probably because it's the rare Miami Beach nightclub that refuses to die. Then again, last time we heard about it was on an episode of Basketball Wives, so apparently they've got a liberal reality TV policy.

Ronnie the drunk gorilla starts doing drunk gorilla things. He pounds his chest. Walks around the room on his knuckles. Performs on stage for the humans like a good gorilla. Dry humps Jane Goodall in a corner. He does some sign language and then pets some pussy. At one point, he grabs a dirty looking blonde girl and climbs all the way atop the Delano hotel until he is brought down by shots. Tequila shots probably.

Angelina, the rat, squeaks something about how she wishes she could devastate Sammi with reports of Ronnie's behavior, but they're not friends. Except, she probably will tell her once she realizes that it'll just piss her off.

Back at home Sammi weeps silently, as Snooki tries to console her. Will Sweetheart and her gorilla lover ever reunite? (Yes, because the preview for the rest of the season spoils it for us.)

So what was the total damage for South Beach tonight: Well, the group visited a club no one has ever heard of, and another that never seems to die, so no businesses' reputations were irreparably harmed. The only real victim we're guessing is the poor, frightened cab driver who had to deal with the JWoww-Angie war.

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