Janet Reno High School's Fightin' Janet Renos Might Never Get to Fight

Imagine it. Every year, hundreds of parents in North Miami kiss their daughters goodbye as they're decked out in their finest sparkly pink minidresses and heading to their first prom, and then the mothers smirk: "Have fun at your Janet Reno dance party."


"What are you talking about, Mom? Why do you have to be so weird? Why do you always have to embarrass me in front of my friends? I hate my life."

"Settle down. It was a thing on Saturday Night Live, with Will Ferrell. It was... never mind." 

Well, thanks to a school-naming committee, this scene might never transpire. Students will never get to cheer their football team, the Janet Reno High Fightin' Janet Renos, on to state. The cheerleading team, the Renoettes, will never get to do spirit fingers in tasteful, muted, below-the-knee skirt suits. The marching band, the High-Steppin' Attorney Generals, will never get to perform a halftime show commemorating Reno's conviction of the Unabomber.

See, a high school in North Miami was supposed to be named for Janet Reno, former attorney general and Miami-Dade state attorney, but it now appears last-minute support is favoring Heat player Alonzo Mourning and his wife Tracy. 

The Alonzo and Tracy Mourning Senior High School Biscayne Bay Campus isn't a horrible name; it's just not nearly as fun. 

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Kyle Munzenrieder