Exclusive Pokemon Go Characters Released in Miami

Look outside. The streets are teeming with zombiefied screen watchers. People wander day and night through parks and parking lots. They’re trying to catch ’em all, dammit! These digital pocket monsters aren’t going to catch themselves.

Pokémon Go became a worldwide sensation literally overnight earlier this month. The mobile app game that allows players to catch adorable cartoon creatures, train them, level them up, and battle them for fake money and bragging rights has been downloaded more than 10 million times since July 6. It's more than a phenomenon. It’s a Pokénomenon, and Miami is caught in the wildfire like a hapless Bulbasaur before a Charizard.

Because the 20-year-old game is always debuting new Pokémon, New Times figured we’d help the geniuses at Nintendo come up with a few Miami-themed characters.

CP Level: Comes in 20s, 50s, and 100s varieties
Rarity: Very common
Area: Found all over, especially bathrooms in South Beach
Attacks: Hey Man Hustle, Rapid Speech Overload, and Pay Day (slowly drains the victim of money over the course of each round)

CP Level: Unknown
Rarity: Not as rare as it would have you believe
Area: Wynwood, downtown, creeping into Little Haiti
Attacks: Vicious Side Eye, Deep V Cut, Over Explainer (puts victim to sleep for three rounds)

CP Level: Everything 1.99
Rarity: Common
Area: Most mainland areas, with a high concentration in Hialeah neighborhoods; also can be found at the Swap Shop
Attacks: Bitch Brow, Chancleta Chop, and Spanglish Slap (immediately renders the victim baffled and prone to attack)
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Kat Bein is a freelance writer and has been described as this publication’s "senior millennial correspondent." She has an impressive, if unhealthy, knowledge of all things pop culture.